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Old 09-25-2008, 11:15 PM
Rekhyt's Avatar
Rekhyt Offline
Elite Trainer (Level 2)
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 2,315
Default Re: Tales of a Torchic

Okay, for a start; do everybody a favour and don't rate your own fan fic. This most certainly does not deserve five stars and lying to everyone saying it does is seriously pathetic.

That said, this story is an extremely big improvement from your last and I'm glad you listened to some of the advice given to you. Unfortunately, you didn't read all of the advice given to you or you would've known not to post something that wasn't completely finished. According to your edit message, this work isn't finished and that isn't cool. I said it in your previous thread and I'll say it again; no one wants to read a story that isn't completely done. It's like going to a football match and leaving at half-time. You don't know the result and you're left feeling empty inside because it was a waste of time going to it. The same applies to reading this story.

"Let's go to the mall little chicks!"
There shouldn't be a space after the first speech mark. Whoever taught you that was a terrible English teacher. Seeing as you've done it a hell of a lot in later sentences, I'm just going to leave it at that and you can fix the rest.

"Don't wanna, Mama!"
You're addressing someone so you put in a comma and whoever was talking stopped talking there so you put in a speech mark to indicate that the little speech is over.

"Nonsense, Flare!"
Missing the comma again.

"Mama, me and my sis Flame don't wanna go!"

"But Flare and Flame, I gotta go pick up my prescription for my leather jacket that says BIG MAMA on it."

"Mama we are an exploration team!"
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold up. One second you're using speech marks and the next you switch to script formation? What's up with that? It makes absolutely no sense and you should never throw two separate styles of writing together. Keep it one way or the other because being grammatically incorrect isn't going to attract readers.

Also, you spelled prescription wrong.

"So what! IF I WANT MY JACKET THEN I CAN GET IT! --deep voice--
What the hell are you on about, man? Deep voice? I honestly don't understand why you threw a few hyphens in there. Just state it normally:

"So what? If I want my jacket then I can get it!" He replied in a deep voice.
It looks much better than incorrect grammar. I'll tell you that much.

I'm not touching the rest of the story because it just gets more ludicrous and crazy. Seriously, if you wanna write a story that people will want to read, learn how to use a Spellchecker. Read a couple of books and see how they're written. You're making silly grammatical mistakes that don't need to be made.

My biggest piece of advice would be to get a beta reader. Someone who can help you improve your story and make sure it's fit for the public to see. I'm sure that some people would risk making their eyes bleed to help you with your writing.

Wait until you post the next chapter. Make sure it's finished as well. No one wants to read something that's only half the quality it should be.

I don't see where you're going with the plot. One second the main characters are talking about getting leather jackets and the next they're rocking the joint filled with Caterpies because a bulletin board told them to. It doesn't sound like something a lot of people would want to read once they saw the way you write.

And where's the description? I know you're posting your writing on a Pokémon board, but some people may not know what a Torchic is. I admit that I got bored of only seeing speech marks and no real narration. In fact, I didn't have a clue as to where the hell they were. You've gotta make things like this clear, mate.

Just put more thought and care into your writing and you'll be okay.
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