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Old 10-20-2008, 09:08 AM
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Ataro Offline
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Default Re: Power plant problems (NEEDS A GRADE!!!)

Story/Plot: This was nothing really surprising since it was simply another common plot – trainer-walks-into-forest-and-captures-Pokémon. However, this is your first story, so that is not much of a problem yet, for an Elekid anyway. Though, I found it hard to believe when Alan bumped into the hiker. Alan was just 14 years old, so it’d be rather impossible for the hiker’s head to hurt when Alan should be shorter than the hiker. At most, it’d be the stomach/belly that hurts. As an overview, I also have to say that space out your story more. Although your doing paragraphing throughout your story, press ‘enter’ two times, so it’d be like:
Quote:
“Alan walks…..”

“Then, he bumped…”
Although you cannot see how it affects your story from that tiny example, you can perhaps look at other writers’ stories, and you can see the difference in yours and compared to them. (Yours’ being chunked up.)

Introduction: You did provide some information that a reader will want, although you can still improve on it. Instead of simply saying what his hair was styled like, his size, why he left home, and such, you can perhaps introduce him in a wavier manner. A good example of what you did would be,
Quote:
Alan Baxter rubbed his eyes as the bright, morning sunlight erupted through the emerald trees. He groaned softly as he stretched his arms. Alan dopily got out of his muddy sleeping bag. He stumbled over a rock and tripped.
Basically, that was simply a jumbled up of sentences telling us what he was doing, and you can note that I didn’t say ‘describing’ but ‘telling’ instead. The reason was simply because throughout the quote, you barely used any connectors between sentences which made me sad. Without the use of connectors, it makes your sentences appear random and… boring. From that, we can change it to…
Quote:
Alax Baxter rubbed his eyes, as the bright sunrays in the early morning erupted through the emerald trees. As he groaned softly while stretching his arms, he dopily got out of his muddy sleeping bag. All of a sudden, he stumbled over a rock and tripped onto the ground.
It might not be the best, but you can at least see the changes, as he rubs his eyes to getting up and to the tripping action. By plainly saying ‘He stumbled over a rock and tripped,’ you’re expressing no time sequence. Such words/phrases like ‘suddenly’ or ‘all of a sudden’ can bring wonders by transforming a boring sentence into a slightly more excited version of a sentence.

Grammar/Spelling: Seriously, you really have a lot of those capitalization errors which can be easily corrected by yourself. Perhaps you didn’t know this, but the first letter of all Pokemon-related words must be capitalized. Such examples would include ‘Pokemon, Geodude and ‘Thunderpunch. I’m actually guessing that you know this since you did capitalize at times, but at other times you didn’t, which gave me the impression of you rushing through the story. Take your time to perfect your story, and read through again after you’ve completed it and you’ll be able to fix many of the errors that you are committing now.

Quote:
Alan Baxter was 14 years old, had short, spiky hair and was small and skinny.
I’m not sure if the age needs to be spelt out in words too, but better be safe than sorry. All numbers below 100 usually need to be spelt out in words, except for dates. So in this case, it would be ‘fourteen’ instead.

Quote:
“Growlithe.” The pokemon yapped happily.
You need to change the full-stop after Growlithe to a comma instead. Most often, you normally don’t use full-stops in such similar cases, but a comma.

Quote:
“If it’s a battle it wants, lets give it to it.”
That should be changed to, "If it's a battle it wants, let's give it to it."

As you read books or articles, you can also learn to observe their use of punctuations and apply it to your own piece of work.

Length: Yeah, this section was pretty well done, so good job!

Details/Description: Throughout the story, there was hardly any description done. You’re doing a really basic level of description where you simply say one of the things you can see on the surface, like the sleeping bag. Sure it was muddy and all, but what does mud even looks like? Basically when writing your story, take it that the readers are blind-folded; hence you need to describe things in the five senses – sight, sound, feel, taste and smell. Of course, if you have sight and perhaps one of the other four, I’m really happy already since I can actually visualize what you’re writing. And trust me, it makes a huge difference to your story/outcome.

Battle: This was probably the only part where you had descriptions continuously. :P This portion was not too bad but it could use a little arranging of paragraphing with the speech and such, not to mention lengthening. Based on a simple Pokemon, this was perhaps a really borderline battle. Another advice to you would be to make use of your surroundings. Since you’re battling in a place filled with so many machines, this should be where Elekid really gets some advantages, being an electric-type. Make use of your surroundings and introduce more attacks, then you can have an even better story.

Outcome: I thought about this and changed my mind a few times but in the end, I still decided on Elekid not captured! Most of the sections were actually sufficent for the Simple category Pokemon and besides, this is your first story. You'll just need to fix up those punctuations that are similar to/what I listed and capitalize those words accordingly and last but not least, paragraphing!! However, if you want to include more description and stuff, that will be great as well. You're really rather good for a first-timer but once you fix up those points that I've listed, Elekid will definitely be yours! Good luck. Feel free to PM me for a re-grade when you're done. :]
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Last edited by Ataro; 10-20-2008 at 09:50 AM.
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