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Old 11-10-2008, 04:15 AM
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Starkipraggy Offline
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Gundam Porygon ZZ
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Default Re: Staring Death In The Face {PG 13}

Well, this took me a bit because I read your other stories and grades to get a feel of how you've been doing for this.


I got a little lost here until I scrolled up. Yeah.

Considering this is a chaptered thing, while it is okay to continue straight from the previous story, doing a little recap is good for new readers (in this case, new graders xP). Anyway, I know what Adam's hair and eye colour is, but I don't know how tall or how short he is. I know where he is, what he is doing and has been doing, but I don't know what he is going to do. Fine. Some introductions are made for the reader to expect the unexpected, and I'm guessing that's probably what you're trying to do here since a lot of rather nutty things happen after that.

Your introduction is fine. Pwass.


Let's start from the top.

In your PokeDex entry, there are a large amount of repeated facts. Next time if you use a PokeDex entry, streamline it on your own by removing things that are repeated, such as 'a gene that is not found in Horsea'.

You had me confused about where Adam is. Hoenn has no land link to other regions, so how could there be a road to Hoenn? It was only later on then you told me that he's going to Olivine to take a ship.

Okay, so Adam and this thieving (censored) start brawling. You had me confused before that as well. If the man is running towards Adam, then he would have seen Adam. Thus when Adam ran towards him, he would have noticed as well. Then why is it so easy for Adam to knock him over? Surely he would have noticed Adam's low running stance. Considering that the thief succeeded last story by skill and not by chance, it is highly unlikely that he would be so... daft. Work on it.

And then there's this:

A rain drop of sweat dripped down from his forehead, and dripped down towards his chin, as he slowly let his arm fall towards the scarred mans head. Then a centimeter away, Adam stopped. He had realized what he had been doing.

“What am I doing” He said to himself.

“I’m taking your life, because I have a grudge against you” Adam said staring at the man.
I'm seriously not getting you here. @_@ He's about to kill a man, then he stops, then he says that he's taking the man's life, but he doesn't and walks off. You probably need to rephrase this.

Is it just me, or is there at least one person screaming every story? xP

The rest is okay. The fight with the thief seemed really filler-ish though, like you just wanted to add more characters to your story.



Your errors are mostly the same as last time! >:( While capitalisation is mostly gone, you still have missing punctuation marks, especially in the vicinity of speeches. Have a look at this:

“Go Seadra” Adam ordered
It should be "'Go Seadra!' Adam ordered."

Again, you frequently forget to have a punctuation mark at the end of your sentences.

And you're confusing its and it's again. Let's try this again.

its = 'his'/'her' for 'it' (i.e. Taco ate its own filling oh no.)
it's = It is. (i.e. It's burning!!! Aieeeee!)

Oh, and try not to use things like 'weren't' and 'wasn't' and whatnot outside of speech. If a character isn't talking, you have to spell it out. 'Weren't' becomes 'were not', 'wasn't' becomes 'was not', so on and so forth.

You get originality points for having someone scream 'Agggrh'. Although it sounds more like the person got his windpipe cut off. @_@ It's a good try.

Other than these, you have very few errors that are more a matter of preference than an absolute neccessity. Keep it up.

I can see you're making an effort to improve since you don't have random capitals any more. Now, you should try to work on your 2 other major problems :3

If you're trying to say the attack name Extremespeed, it should be Extremespeed. No spacing between Extreme and speed, and E in Extreme capitalised. Just like in this paragraph.

Pwash. Desu.


Fiiine. It's only a Medium mon.


Well, everything was described pretty well except the random NPCs and Nurse Joy, even though we all know what Nurse Joy looks like. And you didn't really describe the house beyond ordinary like most. Well... what's ordinary? For some countryside person in China, ordinary could be pretty ramshackle. And you didn't really describe the fire.

It was fine, but it could have been better, but there's always room for improvement for everyone. :3


You seem to be trying to describe the battle instead of using attack names. Well done.

It's a rather interesting battle. I like how Growlithe set more of the house on fire so Seadra couldn't attack because it had to beat back fires. I still think Adam should have been thrown into a part of the wall where there was fire just to cause more chaos. l3

BTW Growlithe doesn't learn Extremespeed, only Arcanine does. Dx Try Agility boosted Take Downs or Flare Blitz.

Basically Growlithe got beaten up by three mons. Fair enough. Although I must say that Houndour is more than a match for Growlithe since Houndour packs Flash Fire and Dark-type to aid its Crunch.


It's a pretty good story overall. You just need to work on descriptions, your grammar errors >:( and your introduction/plot. Never, ever leave the dots for the reader to connect. Make sure everything is explained.


Growlithe CAPTURED

See you around.

EDIT: Short Grade is short xP

Mons are here though

私はグレダーです--I am a Grader

Last edited by Starkipraggy; 11-10-2008 at 04:29 AM.
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