Thread: Poliwag Power
View Single Post
Old 01-06-2009, 07:42 AM
Ataro's Avatar
Ataro Offline
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Location
Posts: 20,271
Send a message via AIM to Ataro
Default Re: Poliwag Power (WWC) (Needs A Grade!!!)

Story/Plot: Hmm well, Sean arrived at a place that has lots of fishing ports, apparently famous for fishermens. If only you named this certain place a name, and gave a little background story of Sean, it'd have been better and not just kinda random. For example, how did Sean arrive here? Where was he from?

Also, I find it kinda weird when Harry, dressed in a tuxedo, was fishing. That's just too random and it seemed like just an excuse to fit him in the story blindly. Not that Harry cannot be wearing a tuxedo and fishing, anything is possible. However, it would help if there was an explanation about that. Character's background info again.

Grammar/Spelling: You definitely need a spell check, or at least type or copy and paste it in MS Words before putting it on the forum. Not that your grammar/spelling is that bad or anything and in fact, your dialogue basics are all pretty good. Just some missing commas here and there.

Such things can be easily avoided by spell checking it OR simply reading it over to look for such errors. Also, don't forget to capitalize the first letter of every Pokemon word, because I see phrases like 'use sonic boom' which is wrong. Capital 'S' and 'B' please. Other than those mistakes, there's not really any major ones left.

Length: No problem with this.

Details/Description: Well, at least you did try to describe much more than your first story. Not a bad attempt at all, but for ways to improve, you can try giving details without looking as if you stopped the entire story and let the details come out like a machine was saying it, then you get back to your story. Basically, it is describing with the flow of the story, or how I'd say it.

If you're still unsure, you can always read some stories that has received good comments about the Details/Description and note down the way they write. Of course, practice makes perfect.

Battle: Rather good, except for one factor. It made me sad when Growlithe took a Water Gun from Poliwag and instead of appearing hurt and weakened alot (type advantages), Growlithe got real mad instead and released its rage on Poliwag, without even appearing tired at the end. This needs some modification, since even though how determined Growlithe is or how mad he is after taking that shower from Poliwag, it is still a fact that he is weak to water. So... at least some signs of him being hurt while still attacking Poliwag or perhaps after it would have been better.

Outcome: Since this is just your second story and I see great improvement from your previous one (considering I graded your first one :D), Poliwag captured! Just be sure to work on the things I noted, and have fun with your thing.

Is it just me or are my grades getting shorter and shorter? :x

EDIT: Oh and, Growlithe can't learn Scratch by the way. :P
urpg stats . the ultra dex .
avatar image courtesy of emma-kins .

Last edited by Ataro; 01-06-2009 at 09:49 PM.
Reply With Quote