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Old 02-13-2009, 09:35 AM
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Scytherwolf Offline
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Hiding from metal coats...
Posts: 6,989
Default Re: Through The Eyes Of A Flareon

This looks pretty good so far-the description and the battle were great! I don't know anything about the plot yet, so I can't say anything about that, but I'm excited to see where this goes.

I found a few mistakes:

Especially since the attack was one of the worse to hit me.

“FEEL THE WRATH OF MY FIRE!” I out-burst, boiling hot flames inside me.
I can understand what this meant but it sounded a little strange. Maybe "yelled" or "screamed in anger" would be better?

My friend swung around and savagely used a Leaf Blade attack with her tail on the Golem, which injured the foe badly due to the super effectiveness.
This also sounded a little strange, but I'm not sure if it's really wrong or not. I think putting "due to its type disadvantage" instead would sound better^^

I liked the brief part at the beginning explaining a little bit of Dusty's history before the battle, and I liked the battle as well because it was both exciting and it wasn't too easy-I don't like predictable fights so this one was really interesting. One thing I think you should include in the next chapter is the emotions and feelings of the opponent's pokémon as well as the two main characters' emotions. It can be easy to show from the main character's point of view.

I'm excited to know what the plot of this will turn out to be, so I'll be sure to keep reading future chapters! (Also, about the Guest Star thing, would I be able to make a character?)

Good luck on your story!

Thanks to Lunar Latias for the banner and Kirimori for the picture!

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