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Old 07-24-2009, 11:01 PM
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Default Re: The Sevii Island Medley - Finally finished and ready!

This is up way earlier than I expected, I happened upon quite a bit of spare time today…

Story/Plot: First and foremost, I’d like to tell you that this was a pretty impressive story. You have improved so much since the last story I’ve read of yours those 700 years ago, give or take a decade. It was a very interesting location you chose, the Sevii Islands are probably the most forgotten area out of every region and I liked how you moved your characters between them instead of basing the entire story on one.

The plot itself was also pretty exceptional, it was like reading an upgraded version of the anime without having to listen to the corny voices or repetitive storyline. That said, I do have some things I’d like to address without completely ripping apart your story. :P

The first is the pretty huge lack of character development and practically non-existent personalities. You have (obviously) two groups of characters, the protagonists and the antagonists. But instead of brining each of them to life with key traits and characteristics, every one of them sounded exactly the same as the other. By this I mean, if you took any piece of dialogue from one of the evil characters, and tacked it on to a different evil character, I wouldn’t be able to tell the difference because they all seemed to be written with identical personalities. Same with the good characters.

Don’t get me wrong, there were quite a few excellent lines and remarks that dripped with individuality, most memorably from Julia and Mr. Vanni. But the overall character experience was just a bit disappointing to me. Especially since, if you hadn’t made a clear reference between what Lostelle or Katrina said, it would have been very difficult for me to tell them apart.

I think the reason that this is even an issue is because you just have so many characters in this story. And to be frank, the majority of them hardly had any purpose in at all (Brittany, Barry, Ron… to name a few). When you drown a story with so many characters, you lose the very important ones in the huge mass of shifting dialogue. I think if you had cut out a good amount of the minor ones and combined their tasks into the more important ones, you would have given yourself more time to make the others more interesting by giving them unique qualities.

I will say though, there were some characters that really shined in the time they were allotted, most specifically the pair of Ralts. I found myself chuckling at more than one scene of theirs. :P Kind of ironic that you gave so much spice to the two characters who didn’t talk, hah. Regardless, you have clear talent and are capable of creating some really amazing characters if you give them a bit more attention.

Another thing I noticed that I’d like to point out to you was that you kind of made your story cliché by the way you let your events unfold. You’re probably thinking “wtf…?” about now, right? XD Well, you have your main character, Katrina, who is clearly caught in the middle of this adventure. But, somehow magically knows how she is supposed to act as if she’s getting her next move from some kind of ‘Story Adventure Survival Guide’. She makes comments like “Now we pursue them.” , “Now we get help.” , “Now we sleep.” and instead of these random encounters happening naturally, them seem planned. This is something that can turn a great story sour since it progresses in such a way that about a third of the way through, the rest of the story becomes entirely predictable. My advice to you is that when you plan out your stories, be wary of giving them a more natural flow, otherwise you end up with momentum that feels entirely forced.

Apart from these things, however, there is very little to critique. You did a wonderful job creating this world and adventure, even having it all tie together and make sense. The best stories are the ones that end before you know it, and that’s exactly how this one was. It hardly felt like 150k because you didn’t throw in a bunch of filler nonsense. So thank you for that, and the effort you’ve put into this really shows.

Grammar/Spelling: It was a pain in the rear to actually find something to put here, to tell you the truth. Your grammar is way above average, and I think I found a grand total of one and a half typos in the whole friggin story. Your sentence structure is ridiculously … flawless. Great job, dude.


"Wow, Lostelle," the older girl replied, "You seem ready for anything." The pink-haired girl just giggled.

"But now, we really do have to get out of here," said Katrina. "And I have no idea where we are anymore."

"That's me," she responded, smiling. "I was running from one of those Team Rocket goons when I found this Pecha tree behind me." She pointed to it.

"They didn't feed me all day, so I ate a bunch of them, and then I met these two Ralts. But I don't have any Pokeballs to catch them with."
These are from two different parts of the story, and at first I figured you just accidentally hit the enter key, but then it happened again so I figured I’d point it out just in case. The same person is talking in both paragraphs in both of these quotes, yet you split the dialogue into two different paragraphs. No need to do that. Kind of makes it confusing because I get the impression someone new is speaking.

The room had just enough room for the four people.
This isn’t really a grammar error, but more of a sentence that’s not so pretty. Try not to double-up on words in the same sentence. It’s one of those things that kind of make you cringe while reading. Both a homonym and homophone here. D:

At any rate, this section of the grade is boring and you pretty much owned its face anyway. So, moving on…

Detail/Description: The kicker with what I’m going to say here is probably going to be incredibly confusing, so I apologize in advance and let me know if I’m making no sense at all…

To start, it was a good job. Everything was well-described, but that’s kind of the problem. The majority of the visuals were lifeless adjectives packed into just about every single sentence. An example here to help further explain:

The glass doors in the front opened as the girls walked closer, welcoming them inside. They entered a well-decorated lobby, with a large, empty fireplace and a number of comfortable-looking red armchairs. On the walls were hung an assortment of artistic photographs depicting wild Pokemon. To the girls' left, a woman in a red vest stood, with a bored, tired look on her face, at a reception counter.
Alone, there is virtually nothing wrong with this. But, paragraph after paragraph in this story it developed a pattern of some form of adjective -> noun, adjective adjective -> noun, adjective -> noun. There are endless ways of describing that don’t even include adjectives. Try using similes and metaphors; compare the color of the vest to something else red and so on. I personally like to describe with this method because it’s so much easier to put yourself into the story and make it funny/happy/depressing or whatever mood you‘d like to convey in that scene. Adjectives are great, but when you pack them in so much it soon becomes tedious to read.

Another thing that I think would help you is to pick more original adjectives. This can turn a dull sentence into an awesome one, just like you’ve done with these:

Meowth fell to the ground, with a deranged smile on its face, and was unable to raise itself up.
Lostelle did the same, and the older girl listened as her companion dozed into a symphony of quiet snoring.
Both of those are pretty pimptastic if I may say so myself. Very original and they make those scenes pop.

Now I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, because you really did a great job with detail, I just figured a more advanced author would prefer a more advanced critique.

Length: x_O

Battle: These were all pretty rad. I especially enjoyed how you wrote that final Rage attack by Charmeleon. I’m sucker for emotion-based descriptions. There’s honestly little you could improve on here considering you covered every base like and expert battle writer. The only thing that made me a little sad was the fact that the two rarest Pokemon had the shortest battle, and one didn’t have one at all. :(

But it’s cool, because the rest of the story makes up for it.


Outcome: Uhh… well…

Swinub, Ralts, Ralts, Happiny and Munchlax all captured! BLIPPIN DUH

P.S. This has nothing to do with anything, I just thought it was rather humorous:

Someone entered the clearing by way of the service road, riding on an elegant-looking Rapidash and yelling, "Team Rocket's got more people coming!"
Pretty much reminded me of Paul Revere, except it was THE ROCKETS ARE COMING instead of the British. Not sure if that was intentional, but I laughed. :D
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