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Old 09-04-2009, 07:14 PM
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Dog of Hellsing Offline
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Default Re: Mirror, Mirror

XD I got this done a lot sooner than I thought I would.

Introduction: Poor Smoochum. The story opens with her wanting nothing more than to be pretty, and the subsequent (and cruel) taunts of a cold-blooded (forgive the pun) Jynx. This hook isn’t one of the action variety, but of the drama (or angst) variety. A nice touch, indeed.

Plot: Interesting. I’ve seen stories where Pokemon want to evolve to become stronger, or want to evolve into a certain form if they have different evolutions possible, but I don’t think I’ve seen one where a Pokemon wants to evolve for the sheer reason of becoming prettier. It’s not overly complex or anything, but it’s fresh and is definitely good enough for a little Smoochum.

Length: A solid length for Smoochum, so no problems here.

Detail: ^^ This was good, to be sure. However, you could have fleshed our the surroundings and all just a bit more; how dark was the cave? What did Azumarill look like? What did Meringue look like? How did the water after Azumarill’s Rain Dance feel to Smoochum? The more details you provide, the more vivid the story becomes, the more real. And the more real a story is, the more people will care for its characters. Also, keep in mind that other sensory details are vital to stories. Things like touch and scent are relatively easy to include, while taste (which you included rather craftily in this story) can be one of the harder things to include. Also, the surroundings at any particular moment in the story can affect which senses can be employed. In a pitch-black cave, it’s pretty much impossible to describe how anything looks until something changes (such as the darkness lifting, or lights appearing, or something like that).

At any rate, this was good for a Smoochum, so I’m not really complaining. I’m just giving you some advice for your future stories, which I’m sure will only get better.

Grammar/Spelling: Not bad, not bad at all:

Quote:
Smoochum was waiting for a Pokemon to enter the cave. Anything would to as long as she gained enough experience to evolve into the ever elusive picture of beauty; that's when she saw

Smoochum thought she would get the upper hand by ambushing the Azumarill. To do so, she would need to watch from high ground. Little pink hands pulled the Smoochum's weight up the side of a small plateau in the cave. Once there, she crawled to the drop and stationed herself, ready for combat.
~There are two things here I want to point out. The first is the bolded “to”, which I believe should actually be “do”.

The second problem is bigger. The end of the first paragraph just cuts off, and then when the next one picks up, it’s obvious we’ve missed something. I think maybe you either accidentally left out a part of the paragraph or maybe deleted it on accident. I gathered from the second paragraph that Azumarill and his Trainer had come into Smoochum’s sight, but what’s missing is exactly how this came to be.

Quote:
Instantly, he uncurled scrambled out of the way.
~You need an “and” between “uncurled” and “scrambled”.

And really, that’s about all I noticed XD. Nice job.

Battle: Hm. This was a bit one-sided, really. Azumarill totally kicked poor Smoochum’s butt, while the latter only managed to get off an Icy Wind (or was it Ice Shard?) and what appeared to be a Psychic. And a failed Sing lol. Even though Smoochum is Simple and everything, I feel it could have really done a bit more damage to Azumarill. I was glad to see a few non-damaging moves, but Azumarill’s Defense Curl left me confused. Why did Meringue have him use that move? It seemed kind of random >>…I know you said she was trying to encourage him, but Defense Curl just seems so…well, random lol.

Anyways, the battle could have been a bit better, but as it is, I’d say it’s good enough for a Smoochum. The fact that you used the surroundings a bit only helps you (as it always helps the author). Try to make your battles a bit more two-sided in the future and you’ll probably have no further problems.

Outcome: I totally wanted to say “OMFG NOWAI U PHAIL LOLWTFBBQ?!?!” but then I got attacked by a rabid Alucard who said he’s the only one who’s allowed to cause misery and depression. So I have to say Smoochum Captured! And now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go get treatment for rabid Vampire bites.
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