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Old 09-17-2009, 11:27 PM
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Default Re: The Fruit Vampires |Ready to be Graded|

Introduction:
I was given a back-story which was filled with description and a nice lead in into the plot. It started with dialogue, description and something interesting. You have nice introductions. My only suggestion is to try and make the descriptions easier to read. To just say what the farmer is wearing is a bit blunt. Try incorporating it through fluid wording.

Example;
Quote:
“Excuse me Sir... we have heard that you are a great investigator!” An old man stated. He stood in front of the investigator, showing a prime example of the steriotypical farmer. He had extra-large overalls that hung from one shoulder. Calloused hands carried a traditional pitch fork that was leaning dangerously close to his lengthy beard.

"Can you help us?" A pleading right hand stuck out to make a deal, while the left adjusted a bright blue cap. He fiddled with the cigar in his mouth, awaiting an answer.
That was probably an overdramamtization, but you get the point, right? xD

Plot:
There's a mysterious vampire stealing fruit from plantations, so the farmers call in a detective. On the surface, that seems like a really awesome plot. I was intrigued by the whole back story. What got me was what happened at the end! You added in a fire, which seemed like a complete afterthought. It was short and pretty pointless. If you cut that out, I could still see Zubat and Buizel going along with the Detective. (Or if you expanded on it and made it more believable, that's great too.)

Always try to include why. Why were Zubat and Buizel stealing fruit? Why were they working together? Is the detective being paid?

With longer stories, when things go unexplained, it won't reflect well on the grade.

Dialogue:
You had nice dialogue. It was believable and put in all the appropriate places. The two things I had problems with I explain in the grammar section.

Grammar:
I found several errors, but they can be easily fixed.

Quote:
It appears that it will only eat the fruit once its liquids were drained comletely..
I'm sure that completely was just a typo. However, ellipses are three periods, rather than two.

Quote:
“Pid Pidgey!” A small wild Pidgey shrieked.
Because Pid and Pidgey are both names and contained within the same sentence, they need to be separated; whether by a comma or period. Also, since "A wild Pidgey shrieked" continues the action from the speech, a does not need to be capitalized since shrieked is the end of the sentence.

Quote:
Shadow sighed and looked at me. I just shrugged and closed my eyes, accidently falling asleep.
Accidentally.

Quote:
Shadow ran passed the Buizel and back in front of me.
Shadow ran pass the Buizel.

Quote:
“This is it!” I said quietly to Shadow. “Let’s do this.” We both jumped up from the debris that we were hiding under. “STOP RIGHT THERE.” I shouted. The Buizel shrieked in terror and lost its balance, falling to the ground. The Zubat was knocked off the Buizel’s head, dropping the fruit it had in its mouth. “We caught you guys red-handed.” The Buizel rose to its feet and shot a Water Gun attack towards Shadow. The Buizel was moving slowly, just as I had planned. The Zubat appeared to be flapping its wings harder than it was earlier.
WHOA TEXT! This is a very large text block, especially since there are three characters, speech and action contained in it. Every time a different character moves or speaks, a new paragraph is started. It should instead look like;
Quote:
“This is it!” I said quietly to Shadow. “Let’s do this.”

We both jumped up from the debris that we were hiding under. “STOP RIGHT THERE,” I shouted.

The Buizel shrieked in terror and lost its balance, falling to the ground.

The Zubat was knocked off the Buizel’s head, dropping the fruit it had in its mouth.

"We caught you guys red-handed.”

The Buizel rose to its feet and shot a Water Gun attack towards Shadow. The Buizel was moving slowly, just as I had planned.

The Zubat appeared to be flapping its wings harder than it was earlier.
You continued to do this through your story, so make sure to space them properly in future stories.

Also, you used the Pokemon's names... a lot.
Quote:
The Zubat came down towards Shadow, its wings a bright whitish blue color. It was using Wing Attack. Shadow couldn’t see clearly and began shooting his Flamethrower attack wildly. The Zubat tried to move out of the way, but Shadow’s Flamethrower attack was unpredictable. Zubat was hit by the Flamethrower, stopping it from using his Screech attack. Zubat began falling to the ground. Shadow uncovered his ears and launched itself towards the falling Zubat. Shadow’s mouth was covered in fire as and bit down on Zubat’s wing. The Zubat cried in pain. Shadow slumped to the ground. He was exhausted from all this battling. I ran to his side.
Seven times. SEVEN. To make sure you're not over-repetitive, describe Zubat as a blue skinned bat. Or the flying Pokemon... even the aerial acrobat. (Ha. Pun.) Anything but Zubat, Zubat, Zubat!

Detail:
Ouch. You really, really lacked in character detail. The only one of all the characters I got a good description of was the old man, who was in the beginning, only for the purpose of furthering the plot. I never caught a name for your character. I only knew Shadow was a Houndour because you told me so once or twice. You described Zubat and Buizel when you first saw them, but other than that, through the battle - all I got was "The Zubat" or "The Buizel". That's it. No deep orange weasel or flying blue bat. You even included a Pidgey in there somewhere. Imagine that I don't know what Pokemon are when I read this. I'd like to know what a Houndour looks like, or what a Pidgey even is. Is it a small bird? An owl? A leprechaun? I don't know.

This also applies to the berries. What is a Pecha Berry? What color is it? Shape? Smell? Feel?

And I was most disappointed to see the lack of detail in you battle. You had a lot of attacks that were executed fairly well. Sadly, they did not make use of the surroundings. They were at a lake! AT NIGHT! These are perfect attributes for both Buizel and Zubat to utilize. However, I didn't see a Haze or an Aqua Jet. I'll continue to talk about the battle later on.

Anywho, I was really, really disappointed. Tell me things about the Pokemon. I want to know what they look like. I want to know how attacks feel. I want to know about you, the Fruit Vampires and everything else.

Length:
A bit short, but including spaces had you fall right near the middle. Good job.

Battle:
I was excited for the battle, because I thought it would be something a Pokemon Trainer might encounter. Unfortunately, I was let down. It started out nicely. Buizel's attacks on Houndour were great. Best part of the battle. Houndour even got in a good Smog hit... however, Buizel was taken down but just a crunch and a smog? Then Houndour let Zubat get off a screech before it was roasted. Zubat was pretty neglected. I wished to see more moves from both Houndour and Zubat.

Graders also look for the use of the surroundings in battle. Even though poisoned, Buizel could have pulled Houndour under the water, or Zubat could have hidden in the dark of night. The one hint of surroundings I got were when they caught on fire for a brief second. In this case, you could have made Houndour become super effective, thereby revealing Zubat. By thinking in these terms, the writing and flow become much easier to understand.

Catching:
Your main problems were detail, the battle and grammar. Sadly, detail and battling are what make the story. I saw with much sorrow, Zubat and Buizel NOT captured!

Change a few words, add detail, get that spacing right and make the battle more two sided. Then, IM/PM me. You know I'd be happy to give you a re-grade ;D
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