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Old 09-19-2009, 04:50 PM
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Default Re: Sea Breeze/Marshy's first story in a while

Originally Posted by Sec View Post
Wow this was a good story! Lol, just wanted to say that right away. The description that you used in the beginning was incredible; you used all the different senses and were very precise and accurate about the sensations that you would get from being on a beach. I felt like I was really there! Great description like that will really pull a reader in, not only because it makes the story look professional, but because itís something we donít see all he time here. The long dream that you moved into from the intro was nice too since it gave us a lot of background information on the character. Lastly, nice job of setting up the plot right off the bat by making the massive wave hit you so early in the story. Your intro did everything an intro should do plus a little more so wonderful job!

I donít think Iíve seen a story about getting lost at the beach yet so great work on originality! You set up the plot right from the beginning, almost everything was explained nicely, and everything made sense so I really donít have too many gripes about the plot. One thing I would like to ask is why do the Diglett attack? Pokemon are wild animals; so theyíre usually afraid of humans at first, I wouldnít think that four would just barge into a deli and start attacking someone. Itís just one little thing so itís not really a big deal, overall your plot was really nice! Just in the future try not to leave things unexplained. You donít want to confuse your reader.

This was probably the worst part of your story, which is great since there was almost nothing wrong with your grammar or spelling! There are just a few little things that I wanted to point out to you, they donít even really matter all that much, I just wanted you to know for future stories.

All Pokemonís names are like deer. The plural and singular froms are the exact same. So it would be: I shook a little, but soon identified them as Diglett.

Pokemon should be treated like people when it comes to actions and speech. Whenever Breloom attacks and then Diglett attacks Diglettís attack should be a new paragraph. Itís just like when two people are speaking, but with attacks. Make sure you do that from now on.

Other than those two things the rest is just little typos, and there are barely any. Those are easy to fix so Iím not even gonna bother pointing them out; just run the story through a spelling/grammar checker and itíll point out these tiny mistakes. Nice job!

Details! I loved your details! Everything was so wonderfully described and you used all five senses, so once again great job! One thing. You describe your setting perfectly but I think you could have elaborated on the characters a little more. Allís I know about the main characterís looks is that he has brown hair and heís wearing a floral bathing suit. But with or without the extra character info the detail in this story far surpasses the needs of a medium story.

You needed at least 15,000 and you delivered 17,000. Perfect!

Your battles were wonderful, just like the rest of the story! Between your use of the environment, combos, un-conventional moves (who would think to use roost in a story?), perfect length, and amazingly descriptive detail, your battles came out perfectly! I really have nothing else to say here, you really let your creativity and writing skills shine through here!

This story far surpasses the requirements for a simple/medium story. Shroomish and Diglett Captured! I feel bad because I really donít have any good advice to give youÖ I expect to see some more really good stories from you Marshy!
Yay! Thank you so much =D I'm happy my story which took me like forever to finish was pleasing to you. I'm gunna have fun with my new Pokemon =D
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