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Old 09-20-2009, 09:10 PM
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Sequentio Offline
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Default Re: The Fruit Vampires |Ready to be Regraded|


I'm very impressed. You added in more detail about the characters, which is exactly what I was looking for.
The cap was more than likely there to cover his baldness.
That's the sort of thing graders like to see. It doesn't seem that relevant, but it gives a lot of character depth. You also described actions in a way that gave me insight into the character. By being impatient or excited, it gives small hints to how the characters behave outside of the plot... as if they were real people.

I quickly identified it as a Sitrus berry. I knew it was because of its yellow color and green spots. It was also a little lumpy on the right side and was slightly heavy.
YES. This is what I was reffering to earlier when I was speaking of description. Not everyone knows what Sitrus berries are, which is why it's essential that you describe things in the Pokemon world.

One was a Zubat. It was using its Screech Attack to scare away the Pidgey.
This was a brilliant way to use an attack while not in battle. In future stories, use structure and creativity like this.

The battle was improved. All three Pokemon had several hits used in creative ways. (And your character count is now over half!)

You also fixed your spacing! Marvelous.

I now have no qualms about saying Zubat and Buizel captured!
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