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Old 09-23-2009, 01:59 AM
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Default Re: Mirror, Mirror

O_O This started out as such a cute story! Why did everybody have to like… die at the end? Naw, I actually really enjoyed this story! I’m very sorry that this is late =/

Introduction:
Like I said, this started off as a really cute story! Smoochum is still ugly, Nidoran is hiding from a big monster, and Zubat is trying to figure out what sight is; the beginning is all full of drama which really entices the reader to continue reading, so great job of pulling me in and making me want to keep reading! You manage to introduce all of the main characters of the story right away and set up the situation for the Donphan attack later on so more good jobs! Nice intro, great success here!

Story/Plot:
Your story is very focused on drama rather than the action oriented stories that we usually see around here. It’s kind of refreshing to see something so different. Most of the story was really cute and some parts were even funny, it made this very enjoyable to read and I commend you on that! It’s great how everything in this story has a purpose, if that’s the right way to word it… what I mean is that everything seems well thought out and there are no random events. A well thought out and original plot passes in my book!

Spelling/Grammer:
Thanks, Seq. Way to make my job hard by not having poor grammar! Haha, just kidding, your conventions are exceptional, making the story very easy and enjoyable to read. Nothing is worse than a story that you can’t read! So once again, nice job. There were a few things that I noticed but they’re kind of nitpicky; you probably wouldn’t even notice them unless you’re specifically looking for them like I am.

Quote:
The girl of nineteen bent down and patted the humanesque Pokemon on the head
Humanesque actually isn’t a word; I had no idea until I just looked it up! Human-like, or something like that, would work in its place.

Quote:
Large, ivory tusks jabbed continually at the fleeting opponent. He was going to gut the running mouse.
You really shouldn’t use a comma with adjectives unless there are t least three; when there’s two it’s technically improper. Again, nitpicking, most people wouldn’t even notice or care.
Also, you refer to Azul as a mouse here and a rabbit somewhere else. What exactly is it then? :P

There really wasn’t anything big I could find, your grammar and spelling are almost flawless. Great job here too!

Detail:
After reading your first chapter and then reading this I must say, my what a difference! The setting, the characters, the attacks, the itty bitty things that don’t even need describing; they’re all described in great detail. I have not the slightest complaint about your detail, it’s more than good enough for two easy level captures.

Length:
Length is 20,000 and 20,000 was your max required length so great here as well!

Battle:
How’d you do on your battles? Guess! Just guess… I’ll give you a hint; it’s the same result you’ve gotten for every other category. You used some fun moves, your environment, I think I saw a few nice combos, and my my was the description great for this level. I think the fight with Zubat should have been a tad longer but other than that, no problems here. Your battling Donphan instead of Nidoran was fine. :]

Outcome:
You fail because your story was too good. Write a worse one and MAYBE I’ll give you ONE of the Pokemon…
[Nidoran and Zubat Captured!]
Your story was wonderful, exceeding expectations for an easy level capture in every category. Enjoy your blind bat and whatever the heck Nidoran is xD!
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