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Old 10-08-2009, 08:09 AM
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Graceful_Suicune Offline
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Default Re: My Guardian Angel (PG-13) (Chapter 1 Up!)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Phantom Kat View Post
I am Mew, one of the great Arceus’s oldest children.”
That extra 's' doesn't need to be there. :P

Quote:
Originally Posted by Phantom Kat View Post
Mew asked, almost ethereally with the absent of a breeze.
Should that be 'absence'?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Phantom Kat View Post
he scolded in a condescending manner, unaware of Deoxys’s worries.
No extra 's' there either. ;P

Quote:
Originally Posted by Phantom Kat View Post
A serious of unintelligible squeaks and screeches broke the quiet:
Should be 'series'. xD

Quote:
Originally Posted by Phantom Kat View Post
Deoxys was trying to verbally communicate his protests since his body could not.
There's a double space between 'to' and 'verbally', although you can't see it unless you quote it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Phantom Kat View Post
With his tail now whipping around his frame like a hissing Arbok, Mew narrowed his eyes and took hold of one of Deoxys’s frozen tentacles.
Again with the 's'.

Second post!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Phantom Kat View Post
“Shouldn’t we consider the fact that Deoxys could be capable of intelligent conversation?
And here too. xD

Quote:
Originally Posted by Phantom Kat View Post
Panic made Deoxys’s heart flutter in his chest.
And again.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Phantom Kat View Post
A gust picked up around him, it’s chilly breeze doing nothing to cool his out-of-control temper,
Should be 'its'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Phantom Kat View Post
Wobbling as though on a shaking spindle, the Twister collapsed and thinned out until only wisps of air caressed Deoxys’s face.
Another 's' to dispose of. x3

Quote:
Originally Posted by Phantom Kat View Post
With fangs alight with the aurora above, he saw them for all their ivory glory.
Aren't Rayquaza's teeth red?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Phantom Kat View Post
Fangs were spilt into a satisfied smirk as Rayquaza watched the outsider steady himself.
Should be 'split'.

Done! I must say, I'm very impressed--not that I expected any less from you. xD I love the story and idea, and how Deoxys has only just come into the world, seeking belonging and not wishing to be injured as he has been. I think the conflict between the Legendaries was really good, and some thinking he should have a fair trial as opposed to those who wished for him to be banished without question was an effective idea, and gives distinguishing characters and viewpoints.

Remember that we don't put an extra 's' on the end of words that already have 's's if they are possessive, as it's not necessary. Also, I saw one bit with "it's" when it was supposed to be "its", and I just want to ensure you know that when possessive, "its" doesn't have an apostrophe. Only when it's abbreviated for "it is" does it need an apostrophe. :P

I also love your description! It's very deep and yet you don't dwell on things too much, like descriptions of Pokemon species (which, on second thought, you may want to elaborate on), which, in many cases, is good. ^^ I love your use of vocabulary, and a few words in there I hadn't come across before. xD Not that I have a wide vocabulary myself, but still. ^^ I love how you write as well, and it's really good that you've planned it all out. Unlike myself, you seem to have everything in order and you appear to know exactly where you'd headed.
Also, you saying that the story's main character isn't Deoxys almost surprised me, and I'm interested to know who will--if there's one main one. Either way though, I'm sure you'll get lots of fans!

I'm looking forward to see what else you have in store, and I'm curious to see where this will lead. You could add so many things to this, and it'll be exciting to see what you do include! :D I'll be sure to keep reading. ^^

~Xanthe.
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