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Old 10-08-2009, 12:22 PM
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Phantom Kat Offline
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Default Re: My Guardian Angel (PG-13) (Chapter 1 Up!)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Graceful_Suicune View Post


That extra 's' doesn't need to be there. :P



Should that be 'absence'?



No extra 's' there either. ;P



Should be 'series'. xD



There's a double space between 'to' and 'verbally', although you can't see it unless you quote it.



Again with the 's'.

Second post!



And here too. xD



And again.



Should be 'its'.



Another 's' to dispose of. x3



Aren't Rayquaza's teeth red?



Should be 'split'.

Done! I must say, I'm very impressed--not that I expected any less from you. xD I love the story and idea, and how Deoxys has only just come into the world, seeking belonging and not wishing to be injured as he has been. I think the conflict between the Legendaries was really good, and some thinking he should have a fair trial as opposed to those who wished for him to be banished without question was an effective idea, and gives distinguishing characters and viewpoints.

Remember that we don't put an extra 's' on the end of words that already have 's's if they are possessive, as it's not necessary. Also, I saw one bit with "it's" when it was supposed to be "its", and I just want to ensure you know that when possessive, "its" doesn't have an apostrophe. Only when it's abbreviated for "it is" does it need an apostrophe. :P

I also love your description! It's very deep and yet you don't dwell on things too much, like descriptions of Pokemon species (which, on second thought, you may want to elaborate on), which, in many cases, is good. ^^ I love your use of vocabulary, and a few words in there I hadn't come across before. xD Not that I have a wide vocabulary myself, but still. ^^ I love how you write as well, and it's really good that you've planned it all out. Unlike myself, you seem to have everything in order and you appear to know exactly where you'd headed.
Also, you saying that the story's main character isn't Deoxys almost surprised me, and I'm interested to know who will--if there's one main one. Either way though, I'm sure you'll get lots of fans!

I'm looking forward to see what else you have in store, and I'm curious to see where this will lead. You could add so many things to this, and it'll be exciting to see what you do include! :D I'll be sure to keep reading. ^^

~Xanthe.
Fixed mistakes. Thanks a lot for pointing them out! ^^ However, I'm not sure whether to change the apostrophe 's in Deoxys yet. I used to only put the apostrophe in names like his, but I saw that with human names, you put the extra "s" along with the apostrophe. :/ I'm going to have look that up when I get back from school.

Hehe, I love description! Sometimes I'm worried that I put too much (I'm aware that I nee to elaborate on Pokemon description a bit, but at the same time, I don't want to like stop the story and describe the Pokemon then hit the play button again). And yeah, I have each chapter planned out (although it may happen where I have to split or merge them).

Stay tune! Next chapter, you'll see who's one of the main characters. The second main character won't pop out into Chapter 4. ^-^


Quote:
Originally Posted by Powerman 6k View Post
Ahh! Your chapters are so long compared to mine ;-;. The sad thing is I would actually like to get my book published some day. That's a goal I hopefully (hope) to accomplish. Great writing :D
xD I was actually surprised that the chapter was as long as it was. I guess the key to have a good, lengthy chapter is to elaborate. And thank you! :D

- Kat
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