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Old 10-10-2009, 03:18 PM
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Giratina Offline
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Never-Turn-Back, pestering Zero
Posts: 2,673
Default Re: Purified (PG)

Hmm, It's a pretty interesting story. However, one thing I noticed from the get-go is that you seem to be very fond of using the Enter key when it shouldn't be used. Don't press it every twelve words or so to make the story look longer or anything, as it makes the story feel choppy and hard to follow. We're all used to the Enter key being pressed twice showing a change of subject, so continuing the sentence on that new line takes a while to register in my mind.

For example...
Quote:

For whatever reason Fate came up with, I was born here. My mother was a hard-working individual, but was overcome with poverty. Meanwhile, I hardly knew my father. He had run

off long before I could remember what he looked like. Most of the time it was just me and my mother, and we barely managed to scrape by. She took a job, often worked overtime, for a

measly wage. But after a while, it proved too much for her. When I was still very young, she grew very ill and eventually passed away. I still donít remember much, but I try hard not to

think too much of it.
becomes...

Quote:

For whatever reason Fate came up with, I was born here. My mother was a hard-working individual, but was overcome with poverty. Meanwhile, I hardly knew my father. He had run off long before I could remember what he looked like. Most of the time it was just me and my mother, and we barely managed to scrape by. She took a job, often worked overtime, for a measly wage. But after a while, it proved too much for her. When I was still very young, she grew very ill and eventually passed away. I still donít remember much, but I try hard not to think too much of it.
It's unnecessary and annoying. But other than that, I think it's pretty good for a retelling.
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