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Old 11-21-2009, 02:31 AM
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Default Re: Rayne, Rayne, Go Away

I'm so sorry that this took so long Tsuki, but here it is on Friday, as promised! ^_^

Introduction and Characters:
There were good parts and bad parts to your introduction. The good part was that the action being thrown at you right from the beginning makes you want to read to find out what happens and sort of hooks you in. The bad part was that almost nothing makes sense until after the introduction. How are these people? Why are they trying to kill each other? What’s a tribute? What are the districts? Where are they? These are all questions I had no answers to until I got much farther into your story and these are things that need to be addressed in the beginning of the story. Your reader should at least know who you are, who the other characters are, where everybody is, and what the characters and setting look like. The idea of a story is to make the reader paint a picture in their head of the events which are going on, but they can’t do this without the proper information.

I rather liked the idea behind the story, it was much grungier than the happy-go-lucky stories we see al the time and it was a pretty original idea. My problem with the plot was how underdeveloped it was. For example; tributes, careers, and the reason the games are taking place are barely explained at all throughout the story. It would have been nice to see thorough explanation of the games, of the tributes and what they are, why the careers are so special besides the fact that they come from wealthy districts. Your only explanation as to why these twenty children are killing each other is that the capitol told them to, to keep the districts in line, but how is making children fight going to keep the districts well? See what I mean? Great idea, but it was very underdeveloped and would have been absolutely wonderful if everything had been thought out a tad more and described more thoroughly.

Your spelling and grammar were done very nicely! I actually found no spelling mistakes in the entire story, and most of your grammar mistakes were just leaving some sentences as fragments, which is something a lot of people do. I’ll still go over some of your mistakes though so you know exactly what you’re doing wrong and how you can do better to not make these mistakes next time!

So far, in the Games, there are fourteen kids left. Fifteen including me.
This was what you screwed up on the most. The problem here is that “Fifteen including me.” is not a sentence, although you still punctuated it as one. A complete sentence means there is a noun, a verb, and it’s a complete thought. To decide if it’s a complete thought or not you need to take the sentence out and read it alone. “Fifteen including me.” makes absolutely no sense without the other sentence to go with it; therefore, it’s an incomplete thought. When you have a small thought like that which doesn’t make an entire sentence the best idea is to combine it with another sentence via comma or semi-colon. A proper way of writing the sentence would have been: “So far, in the games, there are fourteen kids left; fifteen including me.”

So far, in the Games, there are fourteen kids left. Fifteen including me.
Myddie/Maddie was dead, plus both tributes from Districts Seven and Nine.
This is another thing that I noticed you did throughout your story; changing tenses. Basically, when you write a story you choose a time to do it in (past, present, or future). If you read over the two sentences that I quoted you’ll see that one is written in the past and the other is the present. So, either there were fourteen kids in the games or Maddie/Myddie is dead. Unless you’re bouncing back and forth between timelines or something like that you tense shouldn’t change throughout your story.

He looked after me from the ruder tributes in the game, despite he was only one year older than me.
Semi-colons, they’re a pain in the arse to figure out when to use them, but it is something you need to learn. The way I remember it, pertaining to this kind of sentence, is that if the two thoughts are completely unrelated then use a semi-colon instead of a comma. So, since him being older has nothing to do with him looking after you from the other tributes, you would change the comma before despite to a semi-colon to separate the separate thoughts.

… there’s isn’t a great way to put this.
Make sure to always scan over your stories a million times for typos. You were pretty good about this throughout the rest of your story but there were a few, including this one. It seems like just a simple mix up of words, “there’s” should be “there”. Not a big deal at all.

So those are the main things I noticed you screwing up on here, but overall, as I said before, your conventions were pretty nicely done! Just make sure to watch out for these things next time you write a story!

Your use of detail throughout the story is neither good, nor bad. When talking about things and trying to describe them the detail is there, but I believe you’re capable of providing much more vivid descriptions and you’ll need to learn to do that as you continue to write stories. One thing that you should really focus on is describing your characters and setting more. Throughout most of the story I know very little about what your characters look like or what their surroundings are like, details make these things very clear, so use them more often! If you have trouble describing things then you can use a technique which I know many writers on this site use. First write your story, just like you have here, then after you’re finished go back through and add a few words of detail to everything. I’ve done this before and added 20,000 characters to a story and it read so much better afterwards. So, by adding a good amount of description, not only will your story be more likely to pass but you may even add enough characters that you can add a little sub plot in the middle and capture another Pokemon in that story (for this story you could have added enough to capture Mawile or Golbat easily).

Oh wow, you needed 20,000 – 30,000 and you wrote 36,000! Your length is definitely fine; however, if you had developed your plot more thoroughly this could have been long enough to even include another Pokemon for capturing.

Your battle was actually one of the better parts of your story and I only had one problem with it. Some of the good points were that your attacks were described pretty well, you incorporated your attacks effects on the environment, the battle was fairly balanced, and you used a good variety of attacks. The one thing I need to complain about is that it didn’t seem like very much happened. 6,000 characters is a great length for a battle at this level; however, it seemed like less happened then really did. You need to add something extremely exciting to the battle, like an unforeseen twist or change in who’s winning; because right now it lacks the exciting battle climactics that would fix the problem of not much appearing to happen during the battle. Basically, the battle seems short even though it’s not. This really isn’t too hard to fix though, just have Golbat and Kirlia exchange a few more blows and add something exciting in like I mentioned before.

I’m really torn on whether to give this to your or not; I actually had to think about it for several minutes. The idea for the plot was original and is a very nice idea, the story reads well due to your good conventions, and the length of the story and your battle were perfect. Unfortunately the fact that your description was somewhat lacking and the story felt underdeveloped sort of undermine those things. So after several minutes of bickering with myself I’m going to say Kirlia not captured;however, I won’t make you fix too much in order to get the capture because I do feel like you put forth a lot of effort in this. To get the capture I want you to add to your description and either 1. fix your battle and the few conventional errors that you made, 2. provide a better intro in terms of actually introducing the plot and characters, or 3. really develop your plot and characters. Just choose one of those along with a little increase in the quality of you description and I’ll be more than happy to give this to you! I look forward to your PM asking me for a regrade!
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