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Old 12-06-2009, 02:25 AM
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Phantom Kat Offline
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: In my strretchy pants
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Default Re: |False Accusation™ Ready For Grading|

Okay, I haven't graded anything in a long time now, so let's hope I'm not rusty. :P

Plot: The plot was interesting, but at the same time, it was confusing. There were many things that left me confuse. One instance was when the body was discovered. Why did Axel wait so long in the doorway of John’s bedroom? Didn’t he scream in shock or make some kind of noise? Why didn’t Axel carry Emit out of the house the second he saw the body instead of just standing there? Also, just because Emit grabbed the bloodied knife doesn’t mean that he would automatically be accused of murder; some of the murderer’s fingerprints might not have been wiped off. Then you can also take into account that the murderer left some kind of DNA evidence behind, especially with such a messy murder; maybe John’s fingernails could have the DNA of the murderer if he struggled and scratched (this rant is the product of watching too much CSI).

Something else that really bothered me was Rachel’s betrayal. From what Emit said, it seems that Rachel loved the children very much, treated them as their own by letting them call her “Aunt”. To turn them in just for the reward money, no matter what amount it was, seems too unbelievable. If it was some random stranger or neighbor, you could pull it off, but not someone who was practically the only family they had left.

Overall, the plot was alright but too unbelievable in places: How could they run out from the murder scene if the streets were flooded so much? Why was the bottom floor still there if the news said that little of the house was left intact? Why would Axel take the bomb and run off when Rayne could have teleported them away (and why did the scarred man go with Emit if he was out to kill them)? Too many things didn’t make sense, making for a weird read.

Intro: You never really said why Axel and Emit were trudging in such terrible weather to begin with. Other than that, the starting paragraph was a good hook to keep me reading, and you described both brothers well enough, as well as the scenery.

Grammar/Spelling: It was okay but definitely not polished enough that I could ignore the mistakes. You had missing or weirdly-placed words here and there, along with forgotten quotation marks. Your main problems is dialogue.

“As soon as we get home Emit, I want you to take off those wet clothes and put on something dry.” Axel said looking into my light grey eyes.
Since what follows after the dialogue still pertains to it, the period must be a comma. Other instances of this is if you write, “He cried/yelled/barked/ordered/screamed, etc.” This is an instance of when you use a period:

“Really, I’m fine.” The boy left the room without another word.

Instance of when to use a comma:

“Really, I’m fine,” the boy insisted before he left the room.

Your other dialogue problem was this:

“Why did you not tell me earlier?” He asked.
The “H” is supposed to be under cased because “he asked” pertains to the dialogue. Example:

“I hate you!” the girl screamed at her mother.

For your other mistakes, you need to read through your story more carefully. What I found that helps is to proofread the story after you haven’t read it in a while. You’ll be less familiar with what you wrote, and thus, will have to read more carefully in order to understand the story.

Length: No problems here.

Description: Your description was okay, but sometimes you lacked description, and sometimes the description you had was oddly placed or written. For example, Emit must have seen the bloodied corpse for just a second or two, and yet he can clearly remember all of the injuries and details, such as the blonde hair? The same thing happened when Emit caught sight of the man outside; he “barely caught a glimpse” but saw he had a scar under his right eye?

Then there were times where Emit is running for his life or in utter panic, but he still manages to describe what’s around in great detail, like his house and his bedroom. When you’re writing in first person, you have to remember that you’re limiting yourself to what the main character can, or has the time to, see/remember. Maybe third person POV would better be suited for your writing style.

Other times, your description lacked. Many of the Pokémon and their attacks were poorly described, and I had to guess to what some surroundings looked like (I.e the interior of both houses). While there are things that are not very important, you have give a clear picture of what and who’s around your characters so that the reader can imagine the story as a whole, not in bits and pieces.

Also, this is not adequate description:

His mouth was cut similar to that of the Joker in Batman
If I hadn’t seen the “Dark Knight”, I would have no idea what you’re talking about. If you want to tell how his mouth was cut up, describe it rather than telling someone who has it that way. It would be like me saying, “Davis had his hair like Sora from Kingdom Hearts, but his clothes looked more similar to that of Riku’s.” It’s a lazy and unprofessional way to describe.

Something else less important I wanted to point out that using the word “like” to describe something is confusing. If you say “dog-like”, it makes me wonder, “So it looks like a dog, but it’s not?” Instead of using “like”, you can say that Houndoom, for example, was a dog and then describe the features that sets it apart from other dogs, like its horns and its forked tail. Remember, most animals are based off Pokémon, so saying that a Pokémon was a fish or fox wouldn’t be incorrect.

Battle: It was very disappointing. Snover did not even attack once before it was knocked out by one attack. Snorunt put in a little more of a fight with two attacks but was knocked out by a Flamethrower. Just because both of them are up against two fully-evolved and powerful Pokémon, it doesn’t mean they can’t put up a better fight. Pokémon can dodge, hide, attack, and defend themselves with attacks and what’s around them; Snover and Snorunt are no different.

Gastly’s (Gastly, not Ghastly) battle was better but still poor. It launched two Psybeams before it was taken down by Shyde. Like Snover and Snorunt, Gastly can put up a fight with its wide array of moves and its ability to go through solid objects.

Outcome: The plot was okay, but it suffered from inconsistencies. Your grammar and description were better but still not up to par Finally, the battle at the end was short, bland, and unfair. I’m sorry, but I’m going to say: Only one Pokémon captured! If you want the other two:

+ Fix the plot so that things are more believable and consistent.
+ Greatly improve the battle so that all Pokémon have a good and fair fight. (Tip: Use many different moves from each side; avoid repetition). This also means to add plenty of description.

Whenever you’re ready, PM me for re-grade. ^^

- Kat

(Banner by the epic Neo Pikachu) TAC Challenge: I'm learning Finnish! ^-^

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