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Old 01-07-2010, 08:34 AM
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Shana2488 Offline
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Johto
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Default Re: Kricketotís Song

Introduction: The opening line was superb! It flowed right in to the flash back scene that I felt should have been a prologue all by itself.

Plot: Tommy gets himself into a mess with a class rival and ends up befriending a Kricketot? A unique story concept, yes, but hardly believable. I recommend adding more story and depth than that if you try to go for a tougher Pokemon. Add some action or drama to your story to pack more of a punch to it! One example would be perhaps the class rival also posed as a threat to Tommy as a Pokemon trainer, too. The two could have it out in the forest which caused the tree to fall over on the Kricketot. Also, there's a serious plot hole to keep in mind for your next stories: just because a trainer saves a Pokemon's life doesn't necessarily mean there will be a friendship there. The Pokemon will be afraid of a human or dislike a human under almost any circumstance; it is possible for a human and a wild Pokemon to become friends, certainly, but not probable.

Dialogue: The dialogue here was good. You showed what kind of person Markus was compared to Tommy through dialogue, as well as what kind of a person Tommy's mother was. I think if you added more story, more conversations and dialogue would fall into the story, too.

Grammar: Run a grammar & spelling check, first of all. There were several mistakes on both parts (i.e. misplaced periods, run-on sentences, etc.), but I fear that the worst thing you did was put almost the entirety of your story into only two paragraphs. Extend your story to more than just two paragraphs! I don't mean hit "enter" at the end of every one or two sentences, but also don't jumble them up into only one or two paragraphs. Space out certain parts of your story. Scene changes, for example. Also, every time a new character talks, you begin a new line of dialogue. You didn't do this as often as you should have. I won't mark down a lot for it this time, but try to improve in this area as much as you can so you can work up the confidence and experience to aim for a tougher Pokemon!

Detail: Exquisite work on detail! I think this was pretty darn good! I got confused when he was playing all the notes with the Kricketot near the end, but I'm sure that with a little bit of work on description and detail, everything will smooth out and become less tangled. All you need is practice!

Battle: There wasn't a battle, sadly. The Kricketot didn't even show a hint of fear or hesitation towards the human, but instead it immediately became friends with him. I suppose for such an easy Pokemon, I can let it slide, but you really need to add a battle to any tougher Pokemon.

Length: Over-achiever! I bet it would have been twice the amount required if you had added more storyline and a battle to it! XP

Outcome: An easy Pokemon with a very basic plot and no battle. I'll go easy on you just this once. HOWEVER, I want you to carefully review the grades you have been given on your stories. Work harder to improve yourself! The better you write and put forth the effort, the better grades you'll get, and the more confident you'll become! Practice doesn't bring perfection, but it can bring success! Kricketot captured! When you get the experience and confidence, try going for a slightly tougher Pokemon! Just be sure to work hard and keep up the unique story ideas! The ideas are your best bets, you just gotta work on executing them through your writing! <3
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