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Old 01-23-2010, 11:49 PM
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DarkGardevoir Offline
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Default Re: Emotional Symbols

Claimed. Now I'll go to sleep. I'll post the grade later.
eDIT: i would've posted sooner, but I was so damn sleepy.

Story: hm. So yeah. Emo teen randomly walks off school and decides to catch a Pokemon for no real reason. It was nothing interesting, honestly. Fine enough for a Burmy, but yeah, it wasn't that good a plot. The original characterisation of your protagonist kinda saved it- although you could have done a better job at it.

Grammar: the only thing I could spot were some minor comma/period confusion- yeah, it's not that easy to get from the get go. As a rule of thumb, when the verb after the dialogue is a verb of speech, you end the dialogue with a comma, else you end with a period. For example:

"C'mon, we'll be fine," he said. "It's not like there's any real danger!"

"I'm not sure..." She started fidgeting. "We aren't supposed to go there."

"Oh please!" he insisted. "They won't find out, I swear!"

Notice the difference? "said" and "insisted" required a comma and no capital (well, in the latter case you can have question and exclamation marks too in place of commas, but still no capital) while "started fidgeting" didn't, as it's an action completely unrelated to the dialogue scene.

Other than that, your grammar seems neat. Always remeber to run your story through a spell-checker, though. You never know what you may find.

Another thing, you may want to cut on the period usage. Too many stop the flow of the story, and that's not good- it can get quite annoing. Especially in descriptions, it really looks like the prettiness (or lack thereof) of your character is more important than the story you're telling. Do not simply point out the features (hair, eyes, clothes), but incorporate them in the story- tell the hair by means of the guy scratching his head, somebody ruffling his hair, a bully hitting him(ok that's a stretch I know), or his eyes by him rubbing or opening them wide. It makes it so much more interesting than a shopping list.

Detail/Description: well, it was pretty basic, but I'll say something about this nonetheless.

The surroundings play a big part in drawing in the reader and making him enjoy a story on different levels. You have to let the reader imagine what's happening in your story, not just tell them what's going on. For example, let's say I don't know how a school looks like, or what a school is. From what you described in your story, it's a something with rooms where people speak French and are rude to emo teens.
And the woods(?) opening behind the school, just how did it look like? Smell like? Sound like? You have to pay attention to this stuff if you want to make a leap to the next "category".

Length: duh, not much to say here. Though, honestly, I think you could've fleshed out more your character or his Absol. Live and learn I s'pose.

Things that Bugged Me: this isn't a thing normal graders put in, but I'm no normal, and I haven't graded in a while, so I'll just put in this what I found odd.

Right at the beginning, you say "Mme Rosie told us", but there was a seat missing- apparently, your character's seat. So he wasn't in the room already, which means the teacher couldn't have told him too. A minor thing, true, but details are pretty important.

The part about him cutting his wrists, while a little verbose, worked. I can't say what bothers me, I don't really know yet. Probably you just put too many unnecessary infos there. Or maybe it's just I don't understand emo.

The guy seems a little forceful to his Absol, despite supposedly being a shy and bottled up guy- it's all in the words you use when he talks to her. You said "I want you to walk me to the pond," which is a pretty authoritarian(?) way of saying things. It can go in battles, as you need to be quick thinking and clever, but in day-to-day life, it all depends on the kind of character you're using.

Battle: Well... I think you overdid it. First off, Me First uses a move from the opponent before it can strike- but Burmy was well behind a Protect, and if it were a reckless Pokemon to throw away its shield like that, it'd never have put one on in the first place, right?

Secondly, Absol are far stronger than a Burmy. Any attack, especially something like Bite, rather strong and boosted by type affinity, will ko the bagworm, unless the Pokemon is directly told to go easy. Always think about the posible consequences of the matchups.

[b]Outcome:[b] I just felt like typing, y'know? The story was pretty fine for a Burmy, although you can do better than that... I hope. Burmy caught.
My quotes

Vocaboulary Game
MeowthMistress1: the alimighty ranger station
MeowthMistress1: we serve to protect you, just don't require us to spell or use proper grammar.

Last edited by DarkGardevoir; 01-24-2010 at 06:19 AM.
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