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Old 01-31-2010, 09:49 PM
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Default Re: Catching Problems|Ready to be graded!

Sorry this took so long, I got horribly sick :/

Introduction and Characters:
There were quite a few things that I noticed were wrong with this story right off the bat. First of all you could instantly tell that your grammatical skills were extremely under par, which really drives a reader away from the story. It’s usually to be expected to have a few typos here and there throughout the story but when I see a mistake every two or three words then you have a lot of fixing to do. You want to always make sure that your introduction is clearly understandable so that your reader won’t e driven away; however, yours was barely legible.

Second, there is no structure to anything. You tell us that your character is taking the S.S. Ferry to Cerulean City; but why? Gible bites Aron on the head; but why? You need to elaborate on your story and really build a strong plot, especially in the introduction. Use your introduction to establish your main character, introduce him or her, and establish a detailed setting; you don’t always have to do it this way it’s usually an easy way for beginners to write a good introduction.

Moving on to your characters. One thing that can make a story absolutely amazing is your characters. All’s you have to do is give us significant information on your characters and portray well how they’re feeling and give us insight into their real personalities. If you can create a character like that then your reader will usually end up loving your characters and you’ll have no problems here.

Your problem was that you didn’t introduce your trainer character at all, not even a name let alone any description or characterization, and the characters that you did tell us about you did very poorly. For example, up until near the end of the story I was thinking “What the heck is an Ironhead?”

When writing a story you really have to go all out on your characters, especially when writing for a rarer Pokemon such as Gible. We need detailed description of what they look like, who they are, what they’re doing, how they’re feeling, and how they generally feel and act in various situations. Try as hard as you can to describe your characters like you would describe a real person. Giving us a good look at your characters is one of the best ways to enhance your story; you really want to try as hard as you can to paint a picture of your characters in the reader’s head and to make your reader connect with the people in your story.

While at lower writing difficulty levels the idea of ‘trainer randomly finds a Pokemon and catches it’ works very nicely; when you get to Complex level Pokemon such as Gible you need to be a bit more creative. There was a great lack of originality in your plot, since it was practically that the trainer finds Gible, has some fun with it, loses it, finds it again, and captures it. Try to think of something extremely original when writing stories, they don’t always have to, and rarely should, use the formula of ‘trainer finds a Pokemon randomly and captures it.’

Another thing you’ll need to work on is plot development. Everything in your story was short, quick, and very un-suspenseful. If you hope to keep your reader’s attention you need to make your story interesting, make it easy to understand, and make events have significance. Try to have a reason for why events happen, if many random things are occurring that have no significance to the story then your story is going to seem very messy, disorganized, and annoying.

To make your story more interesting you should try adding in plot twists and developments that catch the reader by surprise or at least get them excited. For example, instead of having the trainer randomly find Gible again later on, why not have the trainer chase after Garchomp and have to go on some kind of expedition to find Garchomp and regain their friend Gible? Not only is that more exciting than the previously stated, simple story formula, but it can be very exciting if done correctly.

So work on this; make your events have significance, elaborate on the parts of the story that are important, add more interesting twists, and try to explain everything before the end of the story rather than leaving us wondering why ninety percent of the things that happened, happened.

Unfortunately I can’t say that your conventions (grammar and spelling) were so great either. Throughout the story I noticed a very large amount of typos, comma misusage, and improper capitalization, and constant improper punctuation among other things. What I’ll do is point out a few examples (at least one for each kind of mistake that I want you to fix) but I’m not going to tell you very mistake that you made. As the writer it’s your job to edit and fix your story’s mistakes; if I tell you where every typo is then I’m not helping you very much to become a better writer am I?

The first thing I notice right off the bat is the constant misusage of commas and mix up of tenses.
I was on my way to Cerulean City, I don't want to take much time, So I'd rather take the S.S Ferry, After a few hours, A fish pokémon appeared to Ironhead and bit it's head..
It looks as though you’re putting a comma between each thought even when you don’t need one or when you could us some sort of linking word such as “and” or “or” or when you could just end the sentence with a period.
I was on my way to Cerulean City and I didn’t want to take much time so I took the S.S Ferry. After a few hours a fish Pokémon appeared to Ironhead and bit its head.
This would have been a more proper way to write this sentence. See how the sentence works and no commas were needed at all? You don’t need to separate every thought with a comma, there are actually only a few places where they are needed.
I suggest checking out that website to learn where and how to properly use commas.

Another place where I spotted a large error in this sentence was when you mixed up your tenses (time).
I was on my way to Cerulean City, I don't want to take much time, So I'd rather take the S.S Ferry, After a few hours, A fish pokémon appeared to Ironhead and bit it's head..
Using the word “Was” implies that you are speaking in the past tense; however, “don’t”
Is a word of the present tense (meaning do not at the present time). The proper word here would have been “didn’t” which means “did not”. That would have been in the past tense. Make sure that all of your tenses match up in your story or you can leave your reader horribly confused.

After a few hours, A fish pokémon appeared to Ironhead and bit it's head.. Ironhead got mad and scratched the pokémon..
This is something else that I noticed early on; two things actually. Whenever you use a comma you capitalize the word that comes after it; you’re not supposed to do that. Comma do separate sentences into different sections but technically the portion after the comma is still part of the previous sentence. Therefore, since the letter after the comma is not starting a new sentence it should not be capitalized.

Your other problem here is that you put two periods at the end of the sentence. Normally I would just shrug this off as a typo but after reading more of your story I realized that every time you use a period or exclamation point you use two rather than one. Make sure you’re using only one period or exclamation point at the end of your sentences.

Another slightly random comment, the words Pokemon and Pokeball should be capitalized.

On top of these things you had a very large number of typos. Remember, these are just examples of the kind of mistakes you made. So you’ll need to look through your story to find other errors of the same type.

Unfortunately there was barely any description or detail given throughout the story. Description will not only make your story better, but it’s very helpful in helping to meet the length requirement. Tell us what the surrounding areas look like, what Pokemon look like, what items look like, what everything feels like. Try to use the five senses to describe anything and everything that you can! Description can easily be what makes or breaks a story, especially at this level of difficulty, so make sure that you include an adequate amount in your story! Remember, the more the better! If you’re having a hard time adding details to things then I’ll tell you what I usually do. Go through your story after you’re done and describe everything. Add some sort of description to everything that you can find. Once you finish, go through again and either add even more description to everything or elaborate on the description that is already there.

You have a big problem as far as length goes. Your story is for a Gible which is considered a Complex level Pokemon, meaning that it has a minimum requirement of 30,000 characters (Read the sticky in the stories forum titled “All the Pokemon we don’t hate” to find length requirements). Your story has 3,290 characters which is barely ten percent of the length this story really needs to be at to pass. Long story short, this needs to be a lot longer.

I have to sadly ask this question: “What battle?” You tell us at the end that Aron and Gible fight and that Aron wins, but where is everything that happens in between? When a battle occurs you should tell us every attack that is used, every movement that is made, and everything that happens from the start to the finish. The battle is a great place to let your creativity shine, and can really influence a grader’s decision as far as whether your capture is successful or not. You need to actually include a whole battle, not just tell us that there is one if you want to pass this section.

I’m unfortunately going to have to say Gible not captured. Your story needs a lot of work to meet the standards set for Complex level stories; this includes fixing your grammar mistakes, including an actual battle, and developing your plot, among the other things that I have also included. Good luck revising your story, if you think it meets the standards for a Gible capture then PM me and ask for a regrade, I’ll gladly give you one!

Also, when a grader posts saying that they’re grading your story please don’t take it down and replace it with a different one. I was halfway done with your Beedrill story’s grade when you deleted it and posted your story for Gible.
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