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Old 02-13-2010, 03:11 AM
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Phantom Kat Offline
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Join Date: Feb 2007
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Default Re: A Magikarp Memory

Plot: Wow, to be completely honest with you, that was the best plot for a Magikarp I have read in my two and half years of being a grader. It was very cute, and it reminded me of when I was kid and used to be all jumpy (I was afraid of trains, though). Matthew was a very believable character and acted just like any other kid who’s afraid of thunder would. It’s a good fresh breath of air after reading so many Magikarp stories of cocky, young trainers hell-bent on snagging some awesome Pokémon. The grandfather also added a touch of cuteness to the story, what with him comforting his grandson and all with a story of the old days. XD

Overall, a perfect little plot for Magikarp, and I have absolutely no complaints in this area.

Introduction: Nice way to bring us into the story there. It had some mystery flair that set the mood for Matthew’s fear of thunder. I do wish, however, that you would have added Matthew’s description earlier on rather than when he got out of the attic. It wasn’t necessary to keep his appearance a secret, so in this case, the sooner we know what he looks like, the better.

Grammar/Spelling: While I saw now glaring spelling mistakes, your grammar, or more precisely, the way you word and organize your sentences, was very bad. There are numerous things that made your sentences hard and awkward to read, so I’ll point each instance out individually.

Number One: Too much information stuff into one sentence. This was your biggest problem.

The wind howled outside as lightning flashed and thunder boomed before it all happened again, scaring a boy 7-year-old boy as hid cowardly inside of his grandfather’s attic from where he was spending the night while his parents went away on a business trip.
At the beginning of the sentence, I get to find out that our main character is a seven-year-old boy (by the way, you write out any number below “100”), but right after that, you tell me that his parents are away. The next bit of information came way too fast, and it sounds out of place because it has nothing to do with the beginning of your sentence. Avoid putting too much information in one sentence like this. If you want to tell the reader something else and it doesn’t seem like it fits with your current sentence, end the first sentence and start a new one. Bigger sentences don’t always mean better writing.

Number Two: You are using the wrong tenses.

“PAWPAW!” he cry out, which was quickly reverberated by the boom of thunder,
It should be “cried out”. One or two instances where you forget the right tense isn’t bad, but your story had mistakes like these scattered all around, which made me read parts again so I wouldn’t be so confused.

Number Three: Incorrect use of commas.

“I know it’s hard, but it’ll get easier as the day pass by,” the thunder boomed outside…
The part “the thunder boomed outside…” has nothing to do with the dialogue beforehand, so that comma should be a period. If what follows after the dialogue isn’t something like “he/she said, asked, retorted, shouted,” and so on, you use a period, not a comma.

Other than that, you had small grammar mistakes all over your story, like missing apostrophes and commas. The best way to eliminate these mistakes is to go back to your story and read it over around two times. Reading your story aloud will also catch those awkwardly-worded sentences.

Length: Great.

Description/Detail: Awkward-wording aside, your description on the characters was very well done. Next time, though, elaborate on the description of the surroundings. I had no idea what the kitchen or the bathroom looked like, and the description of the attic, while okay, was vague. Even when the surroundings aren’t so important to the story, it’s important to give the reader a picture of what’s around them. If you don’t, your story is just talking characters in some description-less void.

Battle: There was no battle, per say, but the story was good enough to not need one. Plus, I think if you had added some flashback to detail the struggle against the Magikarp, your story would have lost the warm feeling I was getting as I read. This story isn’t meant to be about a man reliving his childhood. It’s supposed to be about a kid who is seeking comfort from his grandfather, and that’s exactly what you portrayed.

Outcome: Despite the mas o menos (so so) grammar, I’ll say Magikarp captured! Please proofread your next story more carefully and focus on splitting your sentences so that your information isn’t all jumbled up in a mess of letters and commas. Enjoy your Pokémon! :3

- Kat

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