Thread: Bug Business
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Old 12-11-2010, 04:38 AM
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Elrond Offline
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Default Re: Bug Business

Introduction:

Well, as this story was very short, I didn’t expect much in the way of introduction. You just start off the story where it begins and that’s that. You gave me enough information to know what Luke looked like, where he was, and why he was there. I would suggest not cramming all of that information too tightly together. For example, you don’t have to describe what Luke looks like all at once, you can spread those facts out and intersperse them with action.

Story/Plot:

Well, based on your stats, this isn’t your first story, so I’m a little disappointed about the plot here. It pretty much consisted of walking and battling. Since you’re going after two Pokemon from the Easiest category, I can understand why you didn’t think up a more developed plot, but I’d really like to see you push yourself more after writing two stories. There are a lot of stories in the URPG about trainers who basically just follow the path of one of the trainers in the Pokemon games, and they’re not particularly interesting.

The main problem with these stories is that the characters are basically faceless. They have no personality, because you can put just about any trainer in the same situation, where they start their journey and go exploring. What I want to see is Luke develop as a character, and have his personality start influencing his actions, and have his actions influence the plot so it becomes more unique.

Detail/Description:

You use telling language, not showing language, quite a lot. Allow me to show you what I mean:

Quote:
Bulbasaur was giving Luke a look that said, “Cant you climb over them?”
Okay, so what does that look like? You’ve told me what the look is saying, but that doesn’t allow me to form an image in my head. If you had said, for example, that Bulbasaur grimaced, I would know exactly how his face looked, and I would know what the look meant, because a grimace is a facial expression that indicates disapproval – in this case, Bulbasaur doesn’t like that he has to do some work. Another note about the sentence “Bulbasaur grimaced:” it’s less than half the length of the sentence up there. Sometimes you can describe a lot, really well, in few words. Also, the phrase “Bulbasaur was giving” is in the wrong tense. “Bulbsaur gave” is more proper.

Grammar/Style:

Don’t feel overwhelmed by this. Your grammar problems weren’t enough to warrant taking points off, I just wouldn’t feel right if I didn’t help you improve your style as much as possible.

You used the passive voice very often in this story, and that’s something you should try to avoid as much as possible. In the passive voice, the subject is receiving an action, while in the active voice (which you should be using), the subject is the one doing the action. For example:

The ball was thrown by the pitcher.
- Passive voice – the subject of the sentence, the ball, is receiving the action, the throwing.

The pitcher threw the ball.
- Active voice – the subject of the sentence, the pitcher, is doing the throwing.

So, here are some examples from your story:

Quote:
A slight beeping sound was heard and Luke opened up his Pokedex.
The beeping sound is being heard… by whom? And what’s making the sound? I can infer these both from the sentence, but one reason a lot of people use the passive tense is because they want to leave the person doing the action ambiguous. Try this construction of the sentence, which is in the active voice:

“Luke’s Pokedex made a beeping sound, so he opened it up.”

Quote:
The fallen leaves were pushed against the ground, travelling slowly across the landscape.
Here’s another example of where you used the passive voice to keep the action-doer ambiguous. What’s pushing the leaves against the ground? The wind? Try making the subject of the sentence the doer of the action, like so:

“The wind pushed the fallen leaves against the ground and blew them slowly across the landscape.”

One of the nice things about using the active voice is that it gets rid of unnecessary use of the verb “to be.” The beeping sound was heard. The leaves were pushed. The passive voice sounds wordy.

Here’s another issue:

Quote:
It was a small palm sized machine that recorded any Pokemon you encountered. When you had encountered all two hundred and ten, you could unlock the National Pokedex which would go on to record Pokemon encounters until all four hundred and ninety two have been met.
You used the second person in this passage, which means you addressed the reader directly. This story was written in the third person, so you should keep it that way. Don’t address the reader with “you,” use something in the third person, like so:

“It was a small palm sized machine that recorded any Pokemon a trainer encountered. When a trainer had encountered all two hundred and ten, they could unlock the National Pokedex, which would go on to record Pokemon encounters until all four hundred and ninety two have been met.”

Also, the tense you used in this paragraph sounded awkward, but I can’t think of a way to fix it.

One last thing I noticed you did a lot was use verbs that didn’t agree with the things they were describing. In other words, the subject was plural and the verb was singular, or vice versa. Here:

Quote:
On his belt, was clipped two Pokeballs,
There are two Pokeballs, so you need to use the plural third-person version of “to be” – “were.” “On his belt, were clipped two Pokeballs,” would be correct.

Quote:
It had been a gift from his mother,
“It” had been a gift? No, “they” had been a gift, because there were two shoes.

Length:

7519. It was fine for two Easiest-category Pokemon, but still rather short.

Battle:

Come on, even Caterpie and Weedle aren’t that weak. Each was only hit once, by Pokemon who have very little experience, as I’m guessing by the context of the story. I would’ve liked to see at least one more attack on each, and definitely more description of all the attacks. Let the weaker side put up a good fight, at least. This was pretty one-sided, and URPG battles shouldn’t be like that.

Outcome:

Ehhhhh, because you have some experience, I’m tempted to say you should really be able to do better, even for Easy Pokemon. But whatever, they’re Easiest-category, so it’s not like I’m expecting a masterpiece. One Pokemon captured! You can choose between the two, or you can make the battle a bit longer and PM me... that is, if you ever actually come back and read this.
__________________

Quote:
SotaOMG (10:05:46 PM): i think stunky is sexy
iamnotyou11 (10:05:54 PM): Soda stop being gay
supermonkey07@cox.net (10:06:03 PM): ironic statement?
<URPG>
I can probably take some grading requests now. But don't all rush me at once. :/

Last edited by Elrond; 01-05-2011 at 09:24 PM.
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