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Old 12-11-2010, 05:57 PM
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Elrond Offline
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Default Re: Secret Invasion: Pokemon [DONE]

I’m just kinda meshing the intro into the plot section of this grade because there’s not much to say about it.

Story/Plot:

You’ve actually got the makings of a very nice plot here. I like how you connected so many things together into the underlying plot about the Skrulls, whatever they are. You did a great job of telling me just enough about the Skrulls to keep me interested, and wanting to read more of the series. I’m hoping the creativity continues and you come up with interesting implications for the events that happened in this story. I’m definitely intrigued to know how having a Skrull as a Pokemon will affect Pan in the future. Really good job.

Detail/Description:

Your descriptions were very basic. You used simple colors and words to describe what your characters were wearing, for example. I don’t necessarily need to know exactly what your character is wearing at any given moment, but I would like to know more about their personalities, which you can reveal through their actions. For example, when Oak snapped at Pan, I inferred that he was a rude character, which brings me to another point. You used Pan’s thoughts during that scene to move the plot forward a little bit. I’ll quote it:

Quote:
Pan sighed. “My name is Pan, sir,” he answered. “It’s probably his age,” Pan thought. “He’s really old. I think I heard somewhere that memory’s the first thing to go. Must be why he’s losing his memory,” Pan tried to explain the Professor’s lack of memory in his head. “What a shame”, he continued thinking “He was an excellent professor. He’d always been really kind too…”
I know what you were trying to do here; you were trying to give the reader a hint that Oak had, in fact, been replaced by a Skrull since Pan last saw him. However, this isn’t really the right way to go about it. You’re just putting your own thoughts into Pan’s head instead of describing the situation. You should try to describe more things about Professor Oak that are different, so the reader makes the connection that this definitely isn’t the Oak that Pan met the first time. For example, you could say something like:

“Pan stared at Oak’s face. There was something odd about it, something Pan couldn’t quite place. His eyes emitted a pale green glow, and his cheekbones were sharper than Pan remembered.”

Then maybe after that, you could flash back to Oak welcoming Pan into the laboratory, and being really nice to Pan. This would show that Oak has clearly become more rude… or, perhaps, it’s a completely different person. I added in the detail about green eyes because it’ll cement the reader’s knowledge that Oak has been replaced by a Skrull, which they should really be able to figure out on their own, anyway.

Another reason why using his thoughts to describe all that isn't a great idea is because it's just not realistic. I don't know if you think in full, coherent thoughts like that, but I sure don't. It was a nice try, but not the best method.

Grammar/Style:

Maybe I just wasn’t looking as hard as I usually do, but I didn’t really see any problems with your grammar, so good job. Next time, do split up your paragraphs, though. It's much easier to read when you have:

"I'm going out," Mary said.

"Okay," replied her mom.

...instead of:

"I'm going out," Mary said.
"Okay," replied her mom.

Length:

6742. Fine.

Battle:

I like that you worked the Skrull plotline into the battle with Pichu shape-shifting. I got to see that the Skrull shape-shifting power is really quite expansive, which makes me want to read the rest of the series even more. Your description of the individual attacks was quite sparse at times, however. For example, you said “Pichu grew wings and used Steel Wing,” but never described what that attack looks like at all. Otherwise, the battle was fairly well done.

Overall:

I’d say Pichu captured! For the future, definitely work on describing things in more detail. Otherwise, good job on the plot, and I hope to see more. I also hope you can forgive our wonderful grading staff for forsaking this for so long.
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Last edited by Elrond; 01-05-2011 at 09:18 PM. Reason: Character Count
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