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Old 12-16-2010, 12:49 PM
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Graceful_Suicune Offline
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Default Re: Heart of a Lugia [PG - PG 13 for violence]

From the prologue:

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
A big Pokémon, roughly 15 feet long.
In stories, Aeon, you're supposed to write numbers out in their word form. o: Also, the sentence is a little disjointed because of the comma. Instead, try joining it up by saying something like,

A big Pokemon of roughly fifteen feet.

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
The cage itself was 'Poképroof', the inside layered with a force field that absorbed Pokémons’ moves and abilities. The Pokémon was dirty and bloody.
Yay, that's like the cages in TtEoaF! 8D
It should be Pokemon's, because the apostrophe should only be on the outside if the plural was "pokemons", which, clearly, it's not. It'd be like saying mices and geeses.
Also, the last little bit doesn't seem to fit there. I think you should mention its dirtiness and stuff before, or after, during the time when you're describing him. Also, it seems like you describe him twice--once in the beginning and the second time is in the paragraph after that, I think. The first one's only brief, however, and more like pointing out features.

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
However, despite its sodden condition, the Pokémon was still…not beautiful, more like elegant.
Saying "more like" really seems like a first person thing to say, so I would stick with "but" not even have the ellipsis and the "not beautiful" because both of which are more first-person things too. I would say,

However, despite its sodden condition, the Pokemon was still somewhat (or some other word) elegant.

Also...doesn't "sodden" mean drunk? xD

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
So instead he just resolved to beat up his Zigzagoon later and pulled out a sleek black Pokédex that was emblazoned with a pair of maroon scimitars crossed over a crescent moon.
:( Poor zigzagoon! They always take the cake for being abused. D: *points to one of my one-shots*

But he would really go that far as to beat up his zigzagoon for no reason? D:

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
He flipped the Dex open with a thumb and scrolled to the L's. Lapras, Linoone, Ludicolo…
Don't need that apostrophe. o:

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
"It's because I'm an admin, and you're just a stupid grunt."
I think without the 'stupid' it would sound better, and more indirect, I reckon. And it's still very condescending. =)

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
"N-Okay, fine I do!"
Comma after 'fine'. Also, I think the hyphen after the N should be a double hyphen, because otherwise it looks like he's stuttering while saying the word. And the O doesn't need to be a capital. x)

I'll come back in the morning (my morning, anyway xD) to review the rest, so thus far I've only reviewed the prologue. x) I started reading chapter one, and I really wanna read more, but I'll save it for tomorrow. ^^ I really like how you start off with this prologue, and what I've read of chapter one is really good too.

I'm really interesting to see how this will be different from previous versions of your story, and I can already see major ones (like the trainers, and no M...M...Marty! (I hope that's his name. xD)). It's a wonder why they wanted to catch Lucent (if that's still his name xD), and I'm wondering if that lovable poochyena will come in soon, if at all. o:

It's great how you've set it up so far: the mystery of the captures lugia at the start is an excellent place to begin, and at the same time we're introduced to the villains--great job. Then the heroes come in, and honestly I wasn't expecting it to be in first person. ^^ I still think you should move those pictures, because it's kind of unprofessional to have them there, and it's good to get your readers imagining and going, "Wow, a fakemon!" first before finding out what they look like. I think you should put them at the end (or beginning) of the chapters, out of any in-text writing.

Anyway, I'll come back to review more as soon as I can, and sorry I've taken so long! +_+ But yeah. :3 Good luck to ya. ^^

~GS.
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Last edited by Graceful_Suicune; 12-16-2010 at 12:51 PM.
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