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Old 12-19-2010, 12:11 AM
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Graceful_Suicune Offline
Race the North Wind
 
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Default Re: Heart of a Lugia [PG - PG 13 for violence]

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
COMMENTCOMMENTCOMMENTCOMMENT.

And, honestly, Xanthe, you insult me. How could I leave out MARTET??? I would NEVER~! And Lucent's still the same Lucent. It's mostly just Chrissie's point of veiw that's taking major edits.

Glad to see you don't mind me stealing borrowing your idea. XP

As for sodden, I think id just means dirty and wet o3e

And all stuff is taken into account, I assure you. I will fix it when I'm less lazy.

EDIT: Fixed up~!
ANOTHERCOMMENTANOTHERCOMMENT *sound alarm*

xD Sorry! Oh, Martet, that's the one. xD Okay, good! I hoped you wouldn't. Okay, awesome. :3 Oh, I see. o: I think it's really interesting you've added her and Blake. :D

xDDDDD Of course I don't. ^^ Plus, I'm pretty sure it's been in other people's stories. xD I didn't take it from anyone's, but I imagine it's been done before. x)

Okay. xDD *looks up* Oh, true! And drunk. xD Well, as a different meaning.

Awesome. ^^ Here's the chapter one review! >:D

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
That is Posu (Male on the left, female on the right) and this is Spiledon. (THERE I MOVED THEM XANTHE)
xDDD Thank you. That's better. ^^

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
“Hey, Blake,” said I. “What’s up?”
xDD "said I". I think, judging by the following conversation, react differently--like, be more demanding or annoyed that he called this early. I know I would. xD

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
The Pokégear beeped at me, and when I looked at the darkened screen the words Switch to video chat? blinked at me in blue letters.
You should put what the pokegear said in italics, or with quotation marks around them. o:

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
I propped my Pokégear against the blankets, yawning a little. “S’all right,” I said with my mouth gaping. “Why’d you call?”
The apostrophe should be before the S, since it's substituting the I.

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
“The one I’m pointing at, right now?”
I don't think that comma needs to be there...as well as every other time they say that. xD

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
“I have a better idea,” I told him, unwilling to reveal that I was dying to know what was in that Pokéball I had pointed at, right then. “I’ll guess. I guess… Magikarp.”
“So close,” Blake snickered, “but no. It’s a Ponyta. Want to see it?”
xDDDDD Magikarp. You forgot to double space their speech. ^^ Or, you missed it. xD Also, 'poke ball' is two separate words. ^^

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
Its coat was short, pale beige in color. Its hooves looked like polished stones, it eyes were like pools of brown paint. And its mane and tail… words did the Pokémon no justice, but it just stood there simply, seeming unaware of its own majesty.
Those two sentences both have two parts to them, but they don't join up properly because of the lack in joining words. You could turn the commas into semicolons; that would work. Also, you said 'it' when it should be 'its' before 'eyes'.
And since you're starting a new sentence after the ellipsis, the 'w' in 'words' needs to be a capital. :3

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
“Wow.” Said I.
Since you're continuing the sentence by having 'said' after it, the s should be lowercase, and the person after 'Wow' should be a comma. c:

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
“Hey, Ponyta!” the fire-type just gave him a searing glance before nibbling delicately on some grass.
The t in 'the' should be a capital because it's a new sentence.

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
“My dad told me,” Blake explained. “He says that there’s some sort of difference in the size of their flames. Or something.”
xDDD Is that all? *shot*

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
She gave me a little motherly kiss on the cheek – thanks, Mom, but I’m fourteen – and trooped on up the stairs.
I thought they were thirteen, as stated previous to this. o:

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
My dad sat down. “Sorry,” he said, “can’t help it what with you –.” My mom shot him a lightning-fast glance that I almost missed. “growing up,” he finished awkwardly.
Confusing grammar in this sentence. xD Because you have 'what' in the dad's speech, I can't help thinking that you need commas around it. Also, if there's a hyphen at the end of his speech, there doesn't need to be a period. You should also have a hyphen before 'growing', and...hmm...this grammar IS confusing. Dx Try this:
Quote:
My dad sat down. “Sorry,” he said, “can’t help it what with you…” – My mom shot him a lightning-fast glance that I almost missed – “…growing up,” he finished awkwardly.
Does that work? xD

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
“Um, okay,” I slid down into my chair, grabbing a couple pancakes with a pair of tongs.
The comma after 'okay' should be a period, considering that what follows the speech is a new sentence.

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
A few thousand emotions started screaming in my head, and I had a bizarre vision of a zillion lawyers running around waving papers at each other and yelling at the top of their lungs.
XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD Best image ever. xDD

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
Four days after my surprise the first out-of-the-cliché thing happened on our trip.
We encountered a wild Pichu.
Watch out for when you don't double space. o: I think it would be better not connected.

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
“It’s not my fault,” Blake said, moving his hands away as soon as the barrage stopped, “it’s - .”
No period after the hyphen. o: Also, when I first read that he was blocking "little black dots" that jumped, I thought they were fleas! xDDDD

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
“Did that Pichu just give us a razz berry?”
xDDD That's genius!

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
Blake looked at me like I had turned into a Snorlax.
xDDDDD That's so random!

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeoneeveemoon View Post
“You know what this means, right Blake?”
Comma after 'right'.

Cool! I'm glad I finally got around to finishing reading! xD I'm really impressed so far; your grammar is fairly accurate, your metaphors and similes are really creative, and the images you create are vivid and clear. ^^ The idea of a fourteen year old going on a journey is strange for me, since I KNOW I wouldn't have been ready for that at that age. But they're different anyway. xD And it's far better than it being a ten year old!

It's really good, just to start off. I'm loving the description and the dialogue is brilliant. I think the way you've charaterised your characters so far is really good, and I'm loving Pichu's personality so far. xDD I also think the way you've set everything up so far is awesome; the idea of the Thicket was cool, and I like that it trailed back so far into Chris and Blake's pasts. It's also good to see them going together rather than, for instance, Chris going alone. o:

I think the battle between Ponyta and Pichu was creative, and I love how Pichu made use of things like agility, since his/her defence isn't her/his strength. I also like how he/she is really quite a smart pokemon and put up a good fight despite not having a trainer. Often you'll see that pokemon struggle and are quite hopeless without trainers, but quite frankly I think that's silly. The way you've portrayed wild pokemon so far is really cool, though.

The fact that her dad went on a journey and returned is new, and quite interesting too. I personally wouldn't be able to release my pokemon back into the wild, and it's kinda sad that he did, but oh well. xDD And, haha, pancakes. xD

Blake also seems really cool so far. ^^ I love how Chris and Blake communicate--when Chris was guessing what Blake had to tell her, I couldn't stop laughing! A new bean? xDDD A third arm? xDDD His mother ran off with the circus?! xDDDDDDDD It's hilarious!

I'm also super-curious about how this links in with Team Darkstar and Lucent & co. o: It'll be really interesting to see how that all works out, and I'm really looking forward to where this will go! Make sure you put up another chapter soon. ;D

~GS.
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