View Single Post
Old 02-11-2011, 09:38 PM
Turtwig's A-B-Cs Offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 252
Default Re: Dead Shouldn't Write

Your stories are so good, it's not even funny how hard they are to grade. You made me even get on the old grader lost in the woods group when I've been a grader for not even two weeks. Sorry for the latter sections being short though, it's a bit harder to write for sections that have virtually no problems.

Introduction: I thought that the introduction here was a great way to start the story, which was a letter. Very creative in my opinion, and the part following after made it seem better.

You know, the part right after the letters, stating how it was found by Rayne, the survivor of the Hunger Games? It gave a bit of insight on the matter, and made it easier to learn more about these letters, what the characters are like. This story basically just eases us in, and then goes on in a 'regular' story manner.

Plot: This plot is heavily based on the Hunger Games, a book series I have heard about and read a couple pages of. The one based on the districts, on how someone is chosen to participate in a deadly event until someone wins. A bit unoriginal, but it still has a Pokťmon twist, with the poison connection and linking of life.

Still though, a story being based on a book series is okay, but having a huge basis on the whole series without writing the series or basis is a bit too much. Try to put more of a spin, donít just use original characters, use original locations and more. Make it seem like the only similarity is the use of a fight to the death competition. That would be a nice place to start, just work from there on.

Besides the Hunger Games, the story has a big basis on letters. Letters written by those killed during the Hunger Games. The namesake of this story as well, these things are very important. You showed them by using italics, so that has to mean something is of notability in them. It could also mean a different format as well, but Iíd prefer to think it was because you believed they had some importance.

The plot in general though, is a bit awkward. Rayne is reading letters of Deven Nave, someone she killed because he killed the one Rayne loved. Soon enough, she wakes up and it is apparently all a dream. However, I'm a bit confused if it actually is all a dream, due to how more entries appear after she wakes up, the last written by Deven.

Characterization: There are a bunch of characters in this story. I'll describe a couple of them based on what we know:

Rayne Wiress: Rayne is apparently either a main or secondary character in this story. She is the one reading the writings of Deven Nave, somebody she killed. Rayne has a Kirlia as a partner, and she won the Hunger Games with it. Rayne has a child as well apparently. The father of the child though was killed by Deven, and that was her motive for killing the lad.

Deven Nave: Deven is basically only known by the letters he has written. He befriended two Nincada, and learned what berries they like. Eventually, one falls sick, but regains its strength. After this point, we know nothing of what happens to the Nincada, besides that Ninny has been killed by Rayne. Deven himself though is someone who tries to hold on to life. Soon enough though, he is killed by Rayne for killing Ara-Jay.

Grammar/Spelling: You do have some errors in this story, grammatically and spelling-wise. Iíll just show some of them here.

This boy and killed Ara-Jay, the father of her young child.
I believe that there, you meant to put 'had' instead of 'and'.

I think he name is Ninny
There, I think you forgot the Ďrí in her.

Ninny and I take turns guarding our current home and write now thatís Ninnyís job
Here, the latter part of the sentence (now thatís Ninnyís job) makes little sense. It seems misplaced a little to be honest, something that was meant to be part of another sentence, or something that had a couple words cut off with the apostrophe s in Ďthatísí being a typo. It certainly left me scratching my head either way.

This one I left cut off for the only mattering part is what has been quoted. Here, you neglected to put a space between Panem and the (, which is grammatically incorrect.

Anyway, itís best to proofread the story as best as you can just to be sure you donít have any errors. However, since most of these are part of the letters told in someone's writing, I can sort of let you off on them.

Dialogue: Dialogue is sparse in this story, due to its heavy basis on letters. However, some speaking does come when Rayne apparently wakes up from her apparent dream. Now itís between Ainsley, Rayneís brother, and her. After this, the story starts to come to a closing, and ends. You seem to know the conventions about ending dialogue as well, so this section really has nothing to be said as well.

Description: Description was most certainly not your weak point in this story. You gave enough description to everything in my opinion, so this section really has no worth. Great job here! Just remember never to put too little or too much description in one area to reach a perfect amount.

Reality: The reality here well, lies mainly in the letters presented. Since it was basically a dream though, and writings donít exactly are literal, I can let you off on this whole story basically. I guess thatís a good thing for you. Even in the letters though, this story follows the mechanics of the world well enough. Good for you I guess then.

Outcome: One Nincada is captured, the other is
captured as well! Congrats on capturing both, your writing is amazing and possibly some of the best URPG writing there is for these categories (Easiest-Medium).
Specs Unown
Hidden Power
This is an ingenious moveset spread across the ages, constructed piece by piece with painstaking care in the arching caverns and ancient machinery of the most devious and cunning hive mind in the history of anything. This moveset brings Unown's fullest potential into the light. His most powerful move, Hidden Power, rips through Magikarp, Hoppip, and Feebas with its unimaginable power, 2HKOing and OHKOing Magikarp and Hoppip with Hidden Power Ice, respectively. A neutral Hidden Power gives Feebas the ol' one-two-hit KO. When facing such opponents, Unown is unbeatable.
Reply With Quote