Thread: my fishing trip
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Old 03-21-2011, 01:35 AM
Turtwig's A-B-Cs Offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 252
Default Re: my fishing trip

Yeah, a fast grade. Just because this is a Magikarp story, which doesn't take long to read, meaning a faster grade.

Introduction: This introduction, right off the bat, describes the setting for the whole story. It also sort of introduces you, the main character, albeit just in the word 'I'. I'm not exactly pulled in by the introduction. Maybe it's just me, but I feel it comes too strong. Maybe improve it by adding a sentence before it to act as the hook? Either way, you didn't really do a bad job in this category, just a little bit below to doing a good job. An introduction has two jobs, and it's very well needed to follow them, or the whole story could be ruined.

Plot: In this story, you go for a fishing trip. You come to the lake and see a Magikarp larger than any you've seen before. It breaks free though, and then you also fail to capture a Remoraid and Gyarados. Then, you see the Magikarp again, but it turns out to be an illusion. Then, the story ends (besides the part about if the capture is failed/successful).

It's pretty fast-paced, jumping hours at times. You might want to slow a bit down, and add some more stuff to close the gaps of time. Don't only took about what you've encountered. Talk about stuff like a lunch break, what other fishers were there, what lives in the water, etc.

Description: This story has very little description. People do want to know some information about the characters. Just be careful not to go overboard with that information though. Most people don't want to know everything. You basically just need to not do little, while not doing too much. More description is put into longer stories, less into shorter stories obviously, but never none unless the story is three words or something.

If you want to describe well, use the five senses when applicable. They can come in on many situations. Also be careful to not miss describing yourself if writing first-person. It's easy not to do so.

Grammar/Spelling: You did have some spelling errors, and most were near the end of the story. I'll note one I found:
It should be angrily, with only one l here. If you want more spelling corrections, use a spell checker. One can be found here if you don't want to search.

Another thing I found is that you never capitalized the word "I". It's one of those words you always capitalize, so don't forget to do that.

Finally, also remember to start sentences with a capital letter to make it easier to indicate new sentences. Punctuation can only go so far at times to split them apart.

I didn't notice any other recurring problems, so that's all for this category. Just remember what I said.

Reality: Indeed, some fisherman are unlucky. Sometimes, they don't capture anything in their lifetime. In this world, hallucinations can happen from a Mismagius. They can happen in the real world as well, with the fault being from a little tool called the mind. The only thing I noticed was that if you only brought one rod (apparently) and Gyarados ripped through it, how could you fish from there? You should probably explain how you got a new one, or is it like those cartoons? Either way, lack of description ruined some of the aspects of relation here. Still though, that's only one problem, therefore, this story is basically good when it comes to if these things could happen. It's actual one of the best categories this story has to offer, by far.

Length: 2600 characters. It's below the limit by 400 characters, which is a lot in the 3000 character spectrum. There were plenty of ways to add these characters, like by adding description or fixing the huge time gaps.

How I felt: To be honest, I felt not much effort was put into the story itself. It was really quite barren, and could get some spicing up with a little description. A story is not just this and that, it's a whatever this and whatever that. Not meeting the length mark either was a huge thing, because 3000 characters isn't that much.

Outcome: Sorry, but Magikarp isn't captured. Your biggest error was simply not meeting the length. Try adding some description and stuff to meet the 3000 character mark, and give me a shout by PM/VM/IM/Whatever when you're ready to have the story regraded.
Specs Unown
Hidden Power
This is an ingenious moveset spread across the ages, constructed piece by piece with painstaking care in the arching caverns and ancient machinery of the most devious and cunning hive mind in the history of anything. This moveset brings Unown's fullest potential into the light. His most powerful move, Hidden Power, rips through Magikarp, Hoppip, and Feebas with its unimaginable power, 2HKOing and OHKOing Magikarp and Hoppip with Hidden Power Ice, respectively. A neutral Hidden Power gives Feebas the ol' one-two-hit KO. When facing such opponents, Unown is unbeatable.
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