Thread: Just Deserts
View Single Post
Old 03-21-2011, 04:09 AM
alaskapidove's Avatar
alaskapidove Offline
Ultra RPG Official
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 183
Default Re: Just Deserts

Intro: You start your story with a quick description of the Desert Resort, being careful to notice the harshness of the environment. This foreshadows the trouble that happens later on in the story. Then, we jump right into a battle between Alex and Jason. This is good, in that it draws the reader's attention into the story. Also, you show their personalities through what they say and do, rather than tell the reader 'Alex is this way' or 'Jason is that way'. Always remember when writing: show, don't tell. Anyways, your intro accomplishes what it needs to, which is to set the tone of your story, introduce your main characters, and grab the reader's attention. You did fine for a Medium level Pokemon.

Plot: When this started out, I thought, 'Crap, another story that's a giant battle'. Fortunately, this was not the case. Midway through the battle, Alex and Jason hear a woman crying and go to help her. It turns out her boyfriend got sucked into some kind of sand whirlpool that pulled him underground. They go after him, find him, save him, find a Darumaka, pull him out, then help all the Pokemon save the Desert Resort. After that, Alex goes off to catch the Darumaka and succeeds. This isn't the world's most complex plot, but it doesn't really need to be. It basically reads like an episode of the anime, only, y'know, not bad. When you move up to catching Hard and above level Pokemon, I'd expect a better plot, but for now, you're fine.

One thing in particular I'd like to compliment you on, is your prose. It's very clear and readable. A lot of the URPG's writers don't have that, which makes grading annoying, but yours is pretty good. This might be because you're an older member and know more of what you're doing, but either way.

Dialogue: Your dialogue was good. You really got across a lot of Alex and Jason's personalities in the dialogue which is awesome. That's an important skill to have. Also, like I said earlier: show, don't tell. This is a good example of that rule.


Every day irresponsible trainers collapse due to dehydration.
Comma after 'day'.

This is the area where Alex Summers and his long-time rival Jason White have reunited
Comma before and after 'Jason White'.

This was nature's way of dictating the seasons; as Sawsbuck was now in its Spring Form.
Semi colons are only used to separate two independent clauses that are related. 'as Sawbuck was now in its Spring Form' is a dependent clause, so it should be connected with a comma.

Alex remarked, tossing his own Pokeball,
Make that second comma a period.

The room was empty, there was no furniture and no sign of the girl's boyfriend.
THIS is a good place for a semicolon. Right where that comma is.

Alex said, cupping his hands around his mouth, "hello! Is anybody out there?"
'Hello' should be capitalized, as it's the start of a new sentence.

Even though I pointed out several mistakes, you actually have really good grammar. As you read and write more, you get more practice, and practice is really the best way to become a better writer. 'Cause seriously, if I sat here and explained a bunch of technical grammatical terms, would you read it? Hell no, and I wouldn't blame you. SO YEAH. JUST KEEP WRITING AND JUNK.

Detail: You seem to have pretty good detail. Like I mentioned before, you seem to really get the point of how hazardous and desolate the Desert Resort is across. Also, you have EPIC descriptions of the Pokemon. Instead of just going, 'Oh, Sawbucks looks like a deer', we get:

The Great Ball burst open, revealing a large deer-shaped Pokemon. Sawsbuck's fur was ruffled on its chest and its antlers were covered in flowers. This was nature's way of dictating the seasons; as Sawsbuck was now in its Spring Form. The Season Pokemon carefully stepped into the sand, startled when its hooves sank into the dirt.
Also, you do pretty good describing how the Pokemon battle. I like how you incorporate the field affecting the battle. Most people don't do that. OH A CHARMANDER IS IN SNOW? YEAH IT'S FINE. Bah. I'd like a bit more description to go into your human characters, but that's about it.

Length: You needed 10k and you had 19k, near the upper limits of what was required. Awesomesauce.

Reality: Nothing was unrealistic really, other than, how much sand can a person swallow before they die? O_0

Personal Feelings: I thought your story was definitely worth a Medium level Pokemon and I enjoyed your prose and the story as a whole. However, since I'm your grader, I also consider myself your teacher. I have one last lesson to teach you before I finish up.

EDIT: Removed. I guess you've seen this by now. It doesn't need to stay here.

Outcome: Darumaka....captured.

No hard feelings. If you don't like me, you don't like me, but don't hide it. Enjoy your Pokemon.


Last edited by alaskapidove; 03-21-2011 at 06:11 AM.
Reply With Quote