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Old 12-04-2011, 05:53 AM
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Default Re: What's your"s is Minkey

Introduction:

The introduction to me felt a little rushed and it was sort of confusing to me. The first part that is a problem is the abrupt departure of the missing Pokeball. In your story the character holds the device up and it suddenly disappears with no clue how that was done. Having the Pokeball disappear is not the problem, I have seen similiar things done, but the problem is that the main character seems to have picked the Pokeball up and holds it in the air before it suddenly vanishes without the character having any sort if clue. You always need to have a reason for any action, and you did have a reason being the Mankey. But you still need to tell how it abruptly vanished, and because you wanted the Mankey you could have said that the character felt a jerk as the Pokeball was stripped from it. You didn’t have to mention the Mankey by name or something like that, but the thing can’t vanish into thin air.

The next thing that bothers me, and ties into the plot as a whole, is where and who is the character. You did put before the story that the person needed to read the first one, but that isn’t practical or an excuse. Since this is your first multi-chapter story you probably didn’t know the rule. As the writer you have to assume the reade either didn’t read the first chapter or doesn’t remember the whole thing. This means you have to fill in the gaps. You do this by reintroducing the character first. That means their looks and personality etc. You act as if he has never appeared before. The second thing is a brief summary of what happened in the previous chapter. This part doesn’t have to be the very first paragraph. In this story after the Poliwag disappeared you could have had the character get confused and reflect on how the caught the Poliwag (he had to rescue it from some sea monster etc). The summary can easily be two sentences or a whole a paragraph. It’s all up to you as the author.

The final thing is how your character randomly finds some trail and follows it to some paradise. My immediatly question when I read was: where did this trail come from? The easiest way for this to be solved is for you to describe the place the character is at. From there you can add the trail, but as it was, I thought it to be lacking.

Overall I think that the introduction did really feel like an introduction, it felt like the middle of a story without the reader knowing what was going on. That clearly wasn’t your intention. This is solved by acting as if this was a new tale, like I said above, start by answering all the basic questions a reader would have: who, what, where, and how? Now unless you are going for one of those intracate plots that takes the reader on a tornado, that is a great place to start.

Plot:

You have a very simple plot of the main character trying to find his stolen Poliwag. You added the part with the thieves and that gave the story an amount of unpredictability to it. It’s something very simple for a mon that only needs such a plot.

For this ‘mon that type of plot is more than enough needed in terms of what happens. The problem I see with this story is the structure of the story. The first part is dealing with the Poliwag disappearance,which was already done. Now we can move on to the ‘paradise’ part, where the story starts.

As you explain it, the paradise is essentially an orchard with a lake and waterfall. But the problem the reader runs into is: where? Where is this place? Based off the main character I’m guessing it’s not well known, which means it’s either hidden or far away from the beaten path. Either way it needs to be explained because you call it a paradise of Pokemon. If you had just said you found this cool place or something along those lines it would be understandable. But a couple of time you placed an emphasis on the place, but don’t explain why it’s there.

The next big thing that I come across is the Sawk encounter. Like that of the paradise, the Pokemon above is not explained at all. The battle is literally is a paragraph long with only three attacks between them. We can talk about battle length later, but the main issue is relavence. Sawk doesn’t appear to be with the intrudors, and wild Pokemon don’t just attack for no reason. However, if the Pokemon was territorrial it stands to reason the Sawk would have attacked the thief and either been caught or evicted from the land. Either way, the big thing here is that once again you have things left unexplained.

The next thing is how your character over powered Nick and managed to seize control of the plane. This part was essentail to the story because you capture Mankey right after and retrieve the Mankey. But you left this part entirely vague. What you need here is something to engage the reader as this is essentially your climax part of the story. At the very least you need to explain how a boy managed to get past two Pokemon and overpower the man flying the plane. It is conceviable, but not likely, hence a detailed description of what took place is needed. This can be done by inserting a simple scene. Dialogue perhaps were the thief is tricked and loses control of the plane or a Pokemon battle does something. To be honest I dont know how a Pokemon battle would work on such a small plane so you might want to try something like the first method. It’s really up to you, but this part really needs some flesh to be added to it.

Now, besides all those thing I listed the biggest problem I had with everything is that the story felt way rushed. By this I mean there were chunks of the story where said a few hours passed and gave nothing beyond that, like when he chased after Mankey. If you were going to do something like that it would have worked if you had used minutes instead of hours; both would have accomplished the goal, but minutes would have been easier based on how everything turned out. Another example was that of plane ride. I hate to go to this one again but it is a perfect example. By fleshing these important things out, battles are another example, it adds something to the story beyond extra length. It adds depth and character to the story. Rushing certain parts are fine, if used sparingly and don’t take away from the story as a whole. Yours did just that.

Here are parts of the story that I felt could have done with a bit more explantion.

The paradise, I explained about this section above so no long paragraph.
Chasing the Mankey, also above.

The Sawk encounter, above as well.

Finally, the plane run.

All those I covered in one way or another because they are important parts that need to fleshed out or editted.

That’s all I wanted to cover, but it’s a lot of information so don’t be discouraged by the extent of it. Most of it just requires a few good edits to make it good, nothing needs a massive rehaul. Basically you just need to fine tune a few points, you get those done and you’ll be fine.


Detail:

Okay, not bad in this area. You just really need to polish things in terms of where detail is needed. You described all the new Pokemon that you ran into, so I don’t have any problems there. You did a good job on that part.

What was missing from the start was the main character description. This ties into the point I made about the introduction and the first chapter(part). The guy has to be recieved as if the reader doesn’t know about him, and I didn’t. You already have description on the thief so you know how to do it, you just probably didn’t know you had to do it again.

Quote:
Among them were a tall human with a black suit, red cape, and red spiky hair.
Here’s what you had for Nick. This is fine and acceptable as you gave us what he was wearing, basic body shape and hair color. Now, for future characters and their description I like to follow a few basic rules. One, the more involved the character is the better the description and that character should have some sort of personality that you as the author can impose. Although a personality for your characters are not required, it provides depth and make the people more human like and not just words on a page or computer screen. In terms of more advanced character description, you don’t need a lot of detail, but try to fine tune how the reader will see the person. You can say he likes to smile a lot or that a lock of hair covers one side of his face. Basically, each character should be unique or distinct from other in the story. Give the characters something a reader can identify with. It makes the story that much interesting and shows the reader how much effort you put in the characters.

Quote:
It was a huge, beautiful orchard with tons of flowers being tent to by Cleffa and Igglybuff, there was a huge pond with a beautiful waterfall pouring into it with little water spouts here and there, and the pokemon, the pokemon!
I would have liked to see more of this in numerious places throughout the story. You had it at the important parts, here and the cave. But it felt like that between those two parts it was a blank spot as you didn’t tell the reader what else everything looked like. I’m not expecting some long paragraph, just a sentence or two of what kind of setting the character is in.

Quote:
In the cave, stacked to the ceiling, were piles of caged pokemon, complaining and weeping. Poliwag was among them. In front of the cages, were Mankey, Ferraligator, a Vibrava, and a beaten up Primeape tied to a chair. Among them were a tall human with a black suit, red cape, and red spiky hair. Chimchar and I hid behind a rock and watched.
Here’s what you had for the cave, a basic layout of what the cave looked like. It wasn’t as detailed as the orchard, but you didn’t need it to be. Some basic stuff is fine. So let’s take what you did here and apply it to some different parts of the story.

Quote:
Then Vibrava picked us up, flew us out of a cave, and dropped us into a lake. “Hugh. We’ve got to save Primeape and Poliwag,” I said. Chimchar nodded. We got out of the lake and went to the cave. Everything was gone except Mankey, beaten up and hatless.
Here’s a spot where you could have applied those skills. What you could do first is to describe the sensation of flying through the air. Is the air hot or cold etc. Next you can go onto the sensation of falling through the air and being dropped in the cool lake waters. You can describe how the water drenched the main character and then how two people had to swim to shore. Maybe your guy had to carry the Chimchar because it couldn’t swim. Besides the description parts, as I pointed out you can use the senses (feel, smell, hear, sight, taste).

For the second part of the paragraph when he runs into the Mankey remember to describe the Pokemon again. You don’t need a full thing like this:

Quote:
Like all Mankey’s, he was a small monkey like pokemon who was light tan all except for his stubby little feet, his small little paws, and the end of his long, curly tail. His nose was of the same figure as a pig. He had small eyes that were very bright and two small little pointy ears.
You just need to tell the reader where he was in the cave and how he was positioned. This only requires a sentence or two but it gives the reader a better picture of what the scene looks like.

The only other thing that needs to be worked on is the attack section. You never described what the attacks look like, and that is something that needs to be done.

Quote:
Chimchar got under Sawk and used flamethrower. “Wow,” I said as Sawk fell unconscious.
This happened alot for the battle moves. What you need to do is take that and add to it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by me
Chimchar fell under Sawk and used Flamethrower, a bright red stream of hot fire shot from the mouth of the fire monkey, right into the sensitive parts of Sawk.
As you see I only added a few words that told the user how Flamethrower would be presented as. You more than a few of these that would need to be corrected if you continue you to write. For the sake of length and not beating a dead horse I’m not going to provide more samples of this problem that needs fixing as I think you get the point.

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Last edited by AmericanTreeFrog; 12-05-2011 at 07:06 PM.
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