Thread: Star Child
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Old 12-05-2011, 07:02 PM
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Default Re: Star Child


I really like the opening paragraph. You give the reader a really good picture of what the painter looks like. In my opinion, when you start a story off with some good detail, especially of a character, it anchors the story to something solid which you can build upon. If itís about the said character this is more because the beginning is one part that a reader often remember well.

A strong start to a story is a hook and keeps the reader interested. You did that here I felt.

You did this by first describing the man, one who seems normal if not a tad eccentric. But then the next sentence of only four words catches the eye:

A very horrible painter
Right away this is readily apparent to the story because this is twice now that it is mention, and the second it sticks out. This acts as a hook because the reader will then want to know if he is thirty how is he a painter? It doesnít seem like a hobby, therefore it must be a job. Now that alone could lead to many different possible storylines. This in turn makes the reader wonder what will happen next. After that you create more intrigue because the describe the history of the said painter and how successful he was as young man with his painting career. Then we come upon a next sentence that describes what the story is built around:

Then he became 29, and everything went downhill.
Next you describe how his entire life was changed by an attack on his hometown that destroyed everything you could hold dear. And how those events caused him to move in the hope that he would get out of his funk.

A solid introduction. In a short amount of space you gave the reader a lot of information about the life of the main character. It wasnít elaborate or wrong, you just provided a small timeline that provided snapshots into the past. It was pretty good and is a great starting point on which to build a story.

Now, there are two areas in the introduction in which I felt you did need a bit more information. Between the years of 22 through 29 you leave that area blank. While the other periods of his life have some information this as none. You need to tell the reader what he did during this timespan to complete the picture. Did his painting go on to be high sellers? Did he become famous? etc. By adding this information you not only provide more insight into the character but this area also leads up to the point in his life where everything changed the for worst.

The next part is minor and involves the attack on Saffron City. Basically, who did the attack and why is my question. Obviously this was an important moment in the life of the character, so you should provide a reason of why events happened like they did.


A very simple story of how a man was pulled back from the brink of suicide by the arrival of a Cleffa and later a Foongus. It is a very simple story of how a many basically finds something to live for when everything he loved was stripped from him.

Overall you only had a couple problems with a few things that I have placed below. In terms of how the actually plot worked out, it was more than ample enough for the two Pokemon. In terms of information on the plot I canít give too much feedback because the story was so short and a good half of the story was the Pokemon battle. Because of that Iíll give a few pointers on the battle section.

The battle was a long 3v3, something that is done rarely in a story because itís a lot of work and not required in a story. Yours was a solid event. All the attacks were described in a good manner and none of the attacks were used in an unrealistic sense. That being said, your battle felt like it was a tad God-modded. God-modded means that one side literally beat the crap out of the other side. Your team didnít fully crush Nís Pokemon, but your team felt like they used more attacks and were more successful that his were. While the attacks do not need to be equal in terms of amount used, it needs to seem fair. Otherwise it creates a boring battle and turns the reader off. So you need to be a tad more careful in the future. In terms of what you can do for the future battles it would be nice to see you expand into the combo area or using moves in an original way.

It was a regular day, in and itself, until James noticed that the town was under some sort of silent spell. He walked outside, and there he was: the man that nearly ruined his life.
This strikes a contrast because only a moment later you say that James doesnít know who the person is, therefore he doesnít know he ruined his life. So it doesnít make sense to have that little piece of information there. I think it would work better if it was removed and placed in a different part of the story or something along those lines.

The wall of energy appeared around the borrowed Pokemon, [and it got up], the avalanche bouncing off of the bubble.
This is right after James orders the Graveler to use Protect. You start off with Ďtheí meaning that there was already a wall of energy there in my mind. You need to describe what the Protect looks like in terms of appearance. Yes, it can appear like a bubble but is it clear? Pink? The part in brackets also doesnít make sense to me. I donít know if itís just me and Iím missing something, but I see no reason for those words being there.

ďI don't need you to know who I am,Ē the young man, obviously in his teens, replied, ďAll I need are your Pokemon; stop abusing them.Ē
The Ďstop abusing themí portion of the the sentence makes no sense in terms of anything that has gone on during the entire sentence.

Besides all that, I have a one other thing to say. This story felt incomplete because there was a lot of information that didnít make sense or was left out. Because of this Iím assuming there is going to be an other chapter. But if there isnít another chapter you need to be careful about leaving those type of loopholes in a story because it distracts the reader from the story.


A really good section. I had no problems imagining how everything looked each scene had a real feel to it because of the words you chose to use and how you structured them.

James Brown was five feet tall exactly. He had wavy orange hair, amazingly pale skin, and usually wore black pants and a white collared shirt. The 30-year old man was a painter.
Excellent character description. It goes beyond the basic detail of what he is wearing his hair color. What you did was add another layer of detail and that adds depth to the character that can be built upon in terms of his personality and what not.

He watched sadly at that Mt. Moon. Its beautiful yet primal boulders, larger than a Wailord. At night he could see wonderful cosmic auroras over it, colored green and purple, going across the sky.
~ Another good paragraph of detail that caught my eye. You not only used colorful words but you similes and other words that do more than provide detail.

Your Pokemon description were good also:

It was altogether a pink star, the top and side spikes brown. Its stubby arms were up to its eyes, and it was crying. James knew of the Pokemon, but he had never seen one. It was a Cleffa, the baby form of Clefairy.
It was a double ice cream cone, with two vanilla flavored faces happily looking at James. The cone itself was made of ice, and a straw stuck out of one of the heads, occasionally spewing out mist.
A solid mental image of the Pokemon looks like. To be honest there isnít much more you could do to make this paragraph better outside of describing the sensation of its skin or the wetness of its tears. But that would be impossible at this point because the character hasnít touched the little Pokemon.

Also done were the Pokemon attacks:

The ice cream cone suddenly aimed its straw straight at the Graveler, and a great beam of white issued out, striking the rock Pokemon. Snow and ice formed around the part of the body that was hit, right on the head. Graveler grunted and rolled backwards.
The Pokemon grabbed rocks from out of nowhere, and started chucking them at high speeds towards Vanilluxe. It tried to dodge them, but was nevertheless hit by many of the projectiles.
While you did have your attacks described good enough, there were some areas that were lacking.

Suddenly the boulders turned to ice from the Blizzard, and then were sent onwards towards the Graveler as an avalanche. It hit the boulder-like Pokemon head on, and it tumbled back.
Blizzards just donít suddenly pop up. You have describe the weather change, the onset of cold air etc. Remember that if an attack is used you need to show the reader what happens.

Suddenly the snake got up, and part of its body came off thundering towards Archeops, who was hit head on. The boulders then returned to the user's body, clicking into place like a Lego.
I like this description simply because it made me smile.


But now he knew: {H}e no longer had a purpose in life.
~ This doesnít need to be capitalized.

{Finally} he left, going onwards home. As he went down the road, he suddenly heard little stomps, and turned around to see the Cleffa, staring at him. {Sighing}, he went back {home}, the Cleffa following him.

At last he came {home}, and went to bed.

He awoke to see the Cleffa, crying out of hunger. Getting up quickly, he watched as the Cleffa looked around the room. {Finally} {sighing}, he went over and got out a small thing of bread. He watched as the small pink Pokemon devoured it, then {finally} rest, contented.
You donít have an error here, it was word choice. As you can see here you used the bracketed words repeatedly and in a short amount of space. While not in error, this can be annoying for the reader as it is redundant. For situations like this you want to try and change up the words you choose to use. It can be a little hard trying to catch spots like these, but it is easier with time. Also, remember that this small principle applies to description as well. You donít want to keep using the same words repeatedly unless itís for a good reason.

It's pretty cute, James thought, Maybe I'll keep it.
Another non-error. I would only suggest that you think about maybe using quotation marks or something other mark to set off thought. Some authors use the method and some donít. It really relies on personal preference and how much thinking happens. If the character(s) tend to think alot in a story this method will help distinguish it from the rest.

The ice cream cone suddenly aimed its straw straight at the Graveler, and a great beam of white issued out, striking the [r]ock Pokemon.
A first real error, although minor. Rock needs to be capitalized as itís part of the Pokemon universe. This applies to all the other types as well, they all needs caps.

ďVanilluxe,Ē N said, ď[R]eturn.Ē
~ The part in brackets doesnít get capitalized as it is an extension of the previous sentence because you have a comma after said. It the comma was a period then Ďreturní could be capitalized. You did this more than once:

ďKlinklang,Ē the young man said, ď[U]se Thunderbolt on yourself.Ē
For future stories remember to watch out for this little mistake.

Foongus suddenly started shooting out small little spores around the bird, and [it] looked in horror as they got closer, with no hope of escape.
~ The it here is too vague to be used as it is in this sentence. While based on the words itís clear you mean for Archeops to be scared, the it refers to the Foongus.

Length: Just scraped by the minimum...

Overall: Both Captured. While you some problems in each section, the were light errors that could easily be corrected. The collective strength of story overrode any errors commited so I donít have a reason to fail you. Remember the things I pointed out and I look forward to any other stories you write.
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