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Old 05-28-2012, 03:55 AM
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Graceful_Suicune Offline
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Default Re: . t o | z a n a r k a n d . [poem gallery]

For the most part, I really like them, but sometimes the flow is a little hiccupped because there are too many words and it doesn't fit, and the syllables don't fit. D: I'll elaborate.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sight of the Stars View Post
When I was younger, I was always told
I can be whatever I wanted, and on this idea I was sold.
A doctor, a lawyer, an artist, a vet.
Or even a missionary, to help those that I met.
Never once did I think of the path I am now set.
So things like this, with lotsa syllables and varying lengths for each line, could be made smoother so they flowed better by altering the lines to have the same amount - or similar - syllables. Such as:
Quote:
When I was younger, I was always told
I could be what I wanted, and on this was sold.
A doctor, a lawyer, an artist, a vet.
Or even a missionary, to help those that I met.
Not once did I think of the path that's now set.
I dunno, something like that. xD I guess it's also how you say it that helps it flow.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sight of the Stars View Post
It is a laid-back occupation
that’s frowned up in some parts of the nation,
but that doesn’t keep me from wishing
that I had back what I’ve been missing;
the flirting, the kissing.
The second line of this really does seem out of place and far too long. D: But I can't think of a way to fix it. Dx

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sight of the Stars View Post
‘til death do us part,
but I’ll always know from the start
that death won’t be enough
to sever from you, my heart.
The part comma doesn't need to be there. c:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sight of the Stars View Post
Think of the children that play on the streets,
The homeless that sit on the city park’s seats.
The first, for their future, have plenty of hope
The latter have reality, and with it they must cope,
Their dreams having stumbled on a slippery slope.
I like this one the most, I think. It's really nicely constructed and it flows well. I also like the wording! Only, on the third line, I would get rid of "they."

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sight of the Stars View Post
Look ahead, my enemies, my friends.
Keep in mind where youdr path bends,
And keep your future bright.
Grow older and roll in your delight
That to secure your future, you put up a fight.
That should be your. xD

But yeah. Apart from that they're pretty good! I think the last one is my favourite. ^^ Following your dreams is certainly a good plan.

Good luck with future poems! 8D Keep writing 'em!

~GS.
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Last edited by Graceful_Suicune; 05-28-2012 at 03:58 AM.
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