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Old 06-20-2012, 04:06 AM
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Default Re: The Aperture Science Storyteller Sphere Test || Portal <Updated 12-4-11>

Review request by Metal~

First off, Chapter One and grammar~

Quote:
Loud whirrs. Machinery working behind countless walls. Hundreds of eyes looking everywhere. Old Aperture, new Aperture, between Aperture, surface of Aperture, white walls, dangerous catwalks, broken down walls from years of neglect. Pitiful. It would take valuable testing time to clean up the mess that idiot had made. And then there were the years of neglect, and implementing the new test subjects, the hole in the roof… Just pitiful. The hole in the roof was jury-rigged shut though. She had stuck a panel to it… for now. Judging by her new records, some of the new test subjects were craftsmen and workers. That was good; they could fix things where she couldn’t reach. But they were also more dangerous. They would have key cards and lock codes, overrides, things that would break her security measures like Rattman and Subject 1 did. 1 was leaving, Rattman had been darting in and out of her peripheral cameras for years. Fitting that his name was so close to his behavior.
In general, don't put a space between the ellipses and the words. I never do XD

Quote:
And then there was a loud Tapping from the panel covering the hole in the ‘roof’ as it was. There were two holes up there actually. The one from her murder, and the one from the idiot. Someone may have found the upper level of Aperture, that parking lot in Cleveland. If it still was Cleveland. She had no real interest in the place, but… Yes, there were definitely voices from up there. And voices meant more test subjects. Usually. It could as easily have been 1 returning. That was a big no. If only her eyes up there were working too. Oh well. There were, as was said, more than one ways to ‘skin a cat’, dull though that would be. Cats were not good test subjects. Hardly worth the effort of skinning.
"Tapping" should be lowercase, 'roof' and 'skin a cat' should be in quotations since you are more or less quoting something. And same problem with the ellipses as before.

Quote:
“Blue. Orange. There is something new for you to do,” She said, her voice reverberating through the halls of Aperture Laboratories. Distressing. Test subjects would be needed as quickly as possible. What good were testing chambers if no one tested them? A claw deposited the two robots, one with a blue eye the other with an orange. They had more specific names. Not yet earned, though. They looked either eager or scared, though they had no provisions to show either through vocal tones. Orange was skinny, turret body, thin long limbs for proper balance and quick mobility. Blue short and stocky, thick limbs made of a personality core. Both carried Aperture Science Handheld Portal Devices. “There are voices originating from above the testing course. I need the two of you to perform reconnaissance. Observe the source. If they are viable test subjects then--” There was an explosion that rocked the entire chamber, knocking the two robots down and giving her what she felt was an approximation of whiplash.
Due to the comma in the words, it isn't a new sentence. Thus, "She" should really be "she". And why the double dash (--)? One should suffice.

Quote:
They had attempted to bomb something up there. Her eye narrowed and she glared at the panel. Black Mesa, no doubt. There to steal her research and all the new specimen.
"Specimens".

Quote:
Come to think of it, she had felt a strange pricking while 1 was on the way up… That must have been what was happening.
ELLIPSES YAAAAAAAH.

Quote:
And she is of Aperture’s most carefully guarded secrets.
I feel as if "one" should be in there.

Quote:
“It’s almost too bad that you won’t succeed. These next tests? No one ever solved them. But I’m sure you’ll do fine. After all… I’m not trying to kill you.”

Were they to know the truth of things, their expressions wouldn’t have softened that small bit they did. The panels flipped shut again and GLaDOS was practically grinning. The malice could almost be heard in her cold monotone, and a note of… pleasure. “We’ve got a lot of work to do. Please, try your hardest. If at first you don’t succeed…” There was a loud burst of controlled static from the speakers outside, and she said to herself “… You fail. Blue, Orange, start tearing out those wires. I want my body ready to be brought back in to the facility as soon as possible. I want to know what they got off of my brain.”
Yep, ellipses are not your strong point XD


Also, I think "This is GLaDOS" needed another space below it.




REVIEW.

In short, I did like the story. However, I felt it was too choppy - it didn't have a lot of flow. I realize GLaDOS doesn't make a ton of sense - doesn't flow - quite a bit, and that this is her thought process...But it almost seems too choppy. Just when I start to get immersed, I get yanked out of it by all the fragments.

Another word of caution is that when you switch to a new scene - such as outside - you usually start a new paragraph. Otherwise, the scene change doesn't really stand out and just seems slapped on, as it did here.

You have a lot of techno babble, and you did get into the character's mind very well, however. You've always been skilled with that.


I'd give a more full review, but the chapter was short...^^' If you want me to review the short, I can as well, but for the most part you had problems with ellipses and when to capitalize.

"I don't know." Random replied.

"I don't know," the random guy replied.

^ Note when it was capitalized, and when not. Treat it like the quotation isn't there, and think of how it would be in a normal sentence. You usually don't capitalize after commas, just as you usually capitalize after a period, exclamation point, or question mark. ;D
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