Thread: [Pokemon] Tears of the Prophesy
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Old 08-23-2012, 11:27 PM
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Giratina Offline
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
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Default Re: Tears of the Prophesy

Quote:
She knelled down next to the mound of fur and gently stroked the coarse dark fur.
Kneeled.

Quote:
When she opened her eyes again, her plum irises again reflected the excitement she felt.
May want to change that to 'plum-coloured'. Otherwise it implies that her eyes are made of fruit.

Quote:
It was then that Topaz laughed, the sound almost musical to some.
It does not matter what 'some' people think; in this sentence, the only opinion necessary is the narrator's. If the laugh is musical, go ahead and say so.



Now, with the technicalities out of the way.

Firstly, I like how you write. The grammar and word choice is pretty sensible, and the battle went well. My only problem is one that a lot of people, including myself, have trouble with: description. I noticed that, at the beginning, you gave us detailed descriptions of every character; the fact of the matter is, not all of that was really necessary. All that we need to get an image of Spinel is her hair, eyes, and skin tone, possibly her hoodie. Same with her mother. We don't need to know about the bangles on her mom's wrist unless they make a clinking noise whenever she moves her hand. A better time to go into more detail on that would be in subsequent appearances, when looks are more important; for example, when Spinel inevitably gets dressed to impress for her journey as a Trainer, that would be the best time to go back into the description you gave earlier and talk about her clothes.

Another tip: be sure to mention the species of Pokémon at the end of the section you give to describing it. My first thought upon seeing Rayner's description was that he was some kind of cross between a Stoutland and an Umbreon, which is a... problem. Only later when you mentioned his species did I realize that the description actually made sense. To avoid more confusion like this (and embarrassing explanations, ahaha), it's best to clarify exactly which species we're talking about here before you move on to the next thing. This isn't much of a problem normally, since generally when a Pokémon is described it will do something in the narrative (and therefore be named) shortly after, but because we moved right into describing Topaz that opportunity was missed.

Onto the story itself. To be honest I was pretty unsure about the explanation Spinel gave on her Pokémon speaking ability, but that's only because when the "I've always been able to do it and I'm the only one I know of who can" reasoning appears in stories, it is often the only explanation we'll get. If you haven't already, it would probably be a good idea to make this ability a plot point later, explaining how she got it or having her meet another character who can.

Last note: please pick a font that is easier to read, or stick to the default. I know that's the style you put your posts in, but a lot of people will turn away at the door as soon as they see formatting that hinders their reading.
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Last edited by Giratina; 08-24-2012 at 02:42 AM.
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