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Old 10-15-2012, 03:25 AM
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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Default Re: The Great Karp Catch! Part 1 ( Ready to be graded!)

The story is centered around a fishing contest, and I see that it's only the first part of a story that is to be continued. That's alright though! So anyways, the story continues, they reach the center of the Lake of Rage, and they begin fishing. Eventually, Max encounters a Magikarp that he ends up catching. There's also a Gyarados thrown in the mix that attacks Max and Kelsey. At least, I think that's what all happens, but I'll get to that in the next section.

However, for a story at this rank, it's a nice idea!

So like I said earlier, I wasn't really sure as to whether or not Max was being attacked by a Gyarados or a Magikarp. It just seemed a little too confusing there. It says "Gyara" at one point, and that makes me assume that a Gyarados is attacking Max and Kelsey. You also mention that Max had completely forgotten about the Gyarados at the end, where you leave us on a cliffhanger, which I'd like to add, it's not bad to leave us on a cliffhanger. Just remember that you've got that there when you get around to posting part two as it could lead into some continuity errors if you forget about it.

There's also one other thing I'd like to address here. I've noticed that Max seems to have two Pokemon before catching the Magikarp towards the end of the story. He has a Quagsire that has been nicknamed Homer, and he has another Pokemon named Ariel. Throughout the entire first part of the story, there's been no mention as to what kind of Pokemon Ariel is. I would include that in the story, preferably somewhere in the quoted part below.

Once inside I reach for Ariel's pokeball. There is no way Im going through this without her following along. As I pull the pokeball off my belt I press the button and it expands in my hand. I hold the ball towards the water and a bright flash of light sends Ariel out. She disappears under water for a second to get the feel of where she is at, when she finally reappears she squirts me with water as if to say hello.
Otherwise, your detail for a story at the Easiest rank is good. (:

This is something you'll definitely need to work on for your future stories! You're writing a story for an Easiest ranked Pokemon, so I won't be too hard on you. Instead, I'll just point out some of your more common mistakes so that when you're ready to write another story, you can use what I've told you here and improve!

“I think this is good.” she says as places the paddle down.
You make this mistake a lot throughout your story. After "good," in this case, you would place a comma there instead of a period. You'd only use a period when you don't have he says/she says/Max says/Kelsey says or any variation of that after the dialogue.

She looked over with a smile and nodded her head. We set the fishing rods down and grabbed the paddles. We than slowly started to row towards the middle of the lake.
She laughs as she waits patiently with the fishing pole in her hands.
In the top quote, you use the past tense. In the bottom quote, you use the present tense. You should pick one or the other and use it throughout the whole story. If you start with the past tense, then you should continue using the past tense throughout the whole story, and the same thing applies to if you start with the present tense. There are, of course, exceptions to this, but I don't want to bombard you with stuff. (:

“ Well pull it in! “
A few minute later and Kelsey stops.
In the top quote, you need to watch your spacing. The spaces before and after the quotation marks aren't necessary. You have some spaces before some of the punctuation as well, and it's not necessary. At first, I thought you were just pressing the space bar too soon, but it continued to happen, so I thought I'd address it.

Secondly is comma usage. In the first quote, you could put a comma after well. It's not overly necessary, but it would make the sentence flow better. In the second quote, that whole sentence just sounds really awkward. If you said "A few minutes later, Kelsey stopped," it would flow better. You could also use stops if you wanted to use the present tense throughout the whole story instead of the past tense.

The battle was rather one sided. For a story of this rank, that's okay. For stories of higher ranks, try making your battles less one sided. In this case, all your Quagsire did was use Slam on the Magikarp, and it was stunned. At least on the one Max caught anyways. Ariel and Homer seemed to have attacked the Magikarp, but it didn't really seem like the Magikarp were doing much. Magikarp do learn Tackle, so they can hurt Max's Pokemon. It might not do much damage, but it would have still been something.

So your story is well over the recommended character count at 9,542 characters. You only needed at least 3k to catch the Magikarp. Just keep in mind what I've mentioned above, and also, for your future stories, I would add a little tidbit at the top or bottom mentioning what Pokemon you're aiming to catch, especially if you have several Pokemon featured in the story. It might be a little difficult to figure out what you want to catch.

Anyways, what you want to know here is whether or not you've caught this Magikarp. It'd be kind of rude of me to deny you this Magikarp, so I'm going to say Magikarp captured! Enjoy your Magikarp that I'm sure will be a Gyarados sooner or later. xD

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