Thread: [Pokemon] Project Gray [PG-13]
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Old 10-20-2012, 07:14 PM
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Default Re: Project Gray [PG-13]

Hello! :D It's nice to see a new writer around here! Welcome to Pe2k! ^^

I got around to reading your story here this morning, and I got to say, it's pretty interesting so far! You kind of confused me when you said the story takes place in the anime world, but then proceeded to use the manga characters. Still, I like the approach! ^^ Reading about Blue was very interesting, and I'm hoping to see more from his perspective! (You really freaked me out with the "Picking Daisies" thing... o___O Ahhh, crud) Also, I'm very curious to find out how Scarlett caputured an Entei, and even more curious to find out why that woman went bezerk over it.

Also, I'm wondering how this Project Gray thing... is it some government entity that has subtly taken over Kanto? Why would they think they have the right to apprehend Pokemon? I'm hoping for an explanation about this some time.

I've noticed some slight errors here and there.

In the first chapter...

Quote:
The electric pokemon began to charge up for the attack, electricity sparking from its yellow bird elegantly flew down to the ground and flew parallel to the fleeing gym leader
Raichu has a yellow bird? I think you meant to write "electricity sparking from its yellow cheeks. Blue's bird (haha, bluebird x3) elegantly flew down..." but you must have forgotten to type that ^^'

Also, throughout your story, I've noticed that you don't always paragraph when someone different in speaking. For example:

Quote:
"She has a killer officers.." The woman mumbled in between sobs, her eyes turning back into the eerie white. "It killed many on my island. It will kill more." She said in a hysterical tone. "My grandma has a history of not being fully stable, officers. There was a small accident, but she did not mean any harm. I am sorry for the misunderstanding." The grandson said while kneeling down beside his grandmother who had a sinister smile on her face as she stared at Scarlett. One of the police officers escorted the woman and the grandson out the building for interrogation, much to Scarlett's advantage but she was still shaken by the woman's actions towards her. She nervously ran her hand up and down her arm, trying to regain her composure and her breath.
I was very confused when I read this paragraph, because I though that the woman was saying what the grandson was actually saying. This is why you should always paragraph when someone else is speaking, so that it's clear who is saying what.

Quote:
"She has a killer officers.." The woman mumbled in between sobs, her eyes turning back into the eerie white. "It killed many on my island. It will kill more." She said in a hysterical tone.

"My grandma has a history of not being fully stable, officers. There was a small accident, but she did not mean any harm. I am sorry for the misunderstanding." The grandson said while kneeling down beside his grandmother who had a sinister smile on her face as she stared at Scarlett.

One of the police officers escorted the woman and the grandson out the building for interrogation, much to Scarlett's advantage but she was still shaken by the woman's actions towards her. She nervously ran her hand up and down her arm, trying to regain her composure and her breath.
That is much easier to follow, don't you think? Also, I didn't notice this before, but you have two oddly placed periods in that first sentence there *bolded above* Might want to put a comma "," there in place of them. ^^

Anyway, keep up the good work! I'll be looking forward to more! ^^
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