Thread: SomeWing Wong
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Old 10-24-2012, 04:29 AM
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Default Re: SomeWing Wong

Alright, I'm assuming this is your first story, and this is also my first grade. I'm also hoping that you are done editing, and I know that English is not your first language and will grade you accordingly. : )

Introduction:

We are given the scenario of Wing, a person seemingly stuck in a slave relationship in some sort of prison-like camp, who is being given the chance to battle his master. First of all, naming the master Ferroseed confused me as I thought both characters were Pokemon. However I realized later on what you meant so that is fine. In the future try to use names that are separate from any Pokemon names so that the reader doesn't get confused.

You also gave a lot of description to Ferroseed but not any to the main character Wing. Next time try to describe the main character the most, as they are the most important one. But overall you really did a great job on your beginning, and I was swept in right away in wondering what the present was, and also what situation the main character was in.

Plot:

The plot is interesting. We have a prison camp where the guard gives one of the prisoners a chance to battle, and he uses the Pokemon to try to escape, unfortunately getting caught in a tussle with a Murkrow before he can get above the camp's fence. After that he encounters a Mareep and continues his escape plans by attempting to capture the Pokemon.

Personally I found this to be extremely creative and well done. The pacing was good and nothing dragged on too long. However because of the language barrier there were a few confusing bits where you jumped around or you included messy transitions from one situation to the next. For example, going from when Wing and his Farfetch'd drop to the ground and the appearance of Murkrow, things got a little hazy and I couldn't quite understand what was happening. Despite that though, this was excellent and the next parts should be great if you choose to continue! : )

Grammar:

Alright I'm going to go easy on you for this section because for not having English as a first language, you did fantastically. Better than a lot of English speakers actually! But here are a few things to keep in mind.

Firstly, the name of the main character changed several times throughout from Wing to Wingia to Wong. Next time make sure to keep this straight throughout.

Next, quotation marks. This is an example of incorrect grammar when using quotation marks:

"Wow." She exclaimed.

This is correct usage:

"Wow," she exclaimed.

Basically, if the sentence continues after the end of the quotation marks, use a comma before the last quotation mark and then leave the next word after the quotation mark uncapitalized. The rest of the time you used them correctly so that's great!

You also used a lot of commas in your sentences, but it isn't very distracting and the rules for that are complicated and I'd probably just confuse you further. For now just keep checking your work before posting and if you are worried about grammar in the future, just give me a copy of your work and I can help proofread it for you. : )

Description: This section was absolutely stunning. You described the Pokemon, Ferroseed, and the setting in great detail and made it enjoyable to read. I was quite impressed.

The only thing here is I have no idea what Wing looks like. Be sure to describe him next time if you continue this.

Battle: The first battle was excellent. You described the moves, the terrain, and the Farfetch'd's appearance very well. No complaints here as it was a great read. The last battle however with Mareep felt forced into the story, and really had no connection to the rest of the plot. Just remember for the future that you don't have to battle the Pokemon captured in the story, or even throw a Pokeball at it, though it should definitely be mentioned and play some sort of role in the plot.

Overall: There really is no reason for me to keep this from you, especially as it is a simple category Pokemon and it's your first story. For a first story, this is great, just remember to proofread everything several times through before posting, or contact someone if you want them to check for mistakes beforehand. Other than that, I think in the future you can go for much harder Pokemon as your prose is beautiful.

Mareep captured!
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