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Old 01-17-2013, 10:38 PM
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princess crow Offline
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Default Re: Memories of Pallet Town [Awaiting Grading]

Plot/Story: Let me just go out and say this before we start: :(

The story begins with a girl, Jazmine, returning to her previous home of Pallet Town. Her alcoholic and abusive father recently passed away, and Jazmine is here to collect her belongings/prepare to sell the house. However, while in the town of her childhood, memories of such a sad childhood began to seep into her thoughts. To help her get her mind of things, as well as take her neighbor’s suggestion, Jazmine goes into the forest to capture a pokemon. However, her past makes her conflicted with inflicting pain on anybody, even a pokemon, so she is tentative to capturing the pokemon she finds, a Murkrow. However, when Murkrow is healed from the previous battle, it decides it wants to join Jazmine in her journey, proving that Jazmine isn’t the same as her father and she can do good in the world.

From first glance, this story seems very simple. It’s the standard ‘wanders into the woods and finds pokemon’ basic plot structure when you first see it, but, after you delve into the story, you’ll find something much more than that. This is one of the best parts about your story, how you were able to do so much with so little. Despite having a relatively short length, we were informed of a heart-breaking tale and you might have caught a pokemon with it. Even though I came into this expecting a generic story, you definitely surprised me and gave me much more than I had intended on biting off. Nice job.

One thing that I definitely need to mention is the ending. With Jazmine capturing a new pokemon for her team and beginning her travels once more, it definitely seems as if you’re setting up for more of this same story. Spanning a larger story across multiple different installments via URPG is very cool, and it’s definitely allowed, so I would highly recommend you continue this story. There were so many little facets of your story that we never got to learn about (what happened to the rest of Jazmine’s family? How did everybody die? How involved is Blue, or maybe even Red?) so the readers are definitely filled with questions. Likewise, this story could have easily been seen as an introduction, so adding more onto this could definitely be viable. All I have to say on the matter, and it’s ultimately up to you, of course.

Grammar/Conventions: You actually did really well in this section, so don’t worry about being rusty at all! There were only a few minor errors, and you’re already a strong enough writer that a bit more advice shouldn’t be too overwhelming, even though it’s complex.

One thing that this story was riddled with was run-on sentences. While technically not an incorrect aspect of your story, it can make the reader’s job of reading a little more tedious and difficult. Likewise, the length of your sentences can sometimes draw more attention than the story itself, which is not what the author is wanting. Either way, rectifying this issue isn’t too difficult, and it’s already evident that you know how to. Rather than giving you specific advice on this, I’ll just ask you to keep a steady eye on the length of your sentences. Again, you haven’t done anything wrong here, but the story will be easier to read if you find a balance of length.

Of course, there were a few minor typos that you might’ve been able to correct upon closer inspection, but it hardly had a jarring effect on your story. Proofreading is always beneficial, and you can almost never go wrong with it. I can tell you already proofread some, as most of your story is already pretty flawless, but going over it with a finer magnifying glass still couldn’t hurt. For a pokemon of this rank, it’s completely acceptable, but keep this in mind if you plan on writing for higher ranked pokemon.

Length: I actually got about 13,000 characters in your story :o you sold yourself short! Regardless, the minimum for a Murkrow is only 10,000 characters, so you’re sitting comfortably above that guideline. Not much to say here, as the length seemed to apply to the entirety of your story. It didn’t seem to drag on for too long, but reducing the length by too much might not have worked out the best for you either. So yeah. Nice job, I guess!!!

Outcome: I [s]hope[/s] think it’s evident that I liked your story. It was a nice introduction to what will [s]hopefully[/s] come next. While there were some pretty cool additions to your story, the plot itself was still pretty overused. This isn’t necessarily a problem for Murkrow’s rank, but, if you plan on writing for more difficult pokemon, stretching that imagination will be highly advised. Regardless, this story was above and beyond what it needed to be, especially for a first-time URPG author, so I’m going to say that your Murkrow is captured! Nice job, enjoy your pokemon, and don’t be afraid to ask me any questions if you have them.
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