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Old 03-09-2013, 09:10 PM
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Default Re: [Mewtwo Invasion] Round 2 - Saraibre Ryu vs. Velocity (Judge: 3m0d0ll).

I of I I I

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Saraibre Ryu

[Vio-Nai] Hydriegon
Ability: Levitate.
Health: 100%
Energy: 100%
Points: 50.


Velocity

[Chessmaster] Bisharp
Ability: Inner Focus.
Health: 100%
Energy: 100%
Points: 50.


Stuff I didn't like:
“... not one or two but three pairs of eyes...” You need a comma after two (-1).
“...a tall, humanoid red being with...” You need a comma after red (-1).
“... heavy steel boots...” You need a comma after heavy (-1).
“Even my near-whisper creates an echo.” No (-1).
“'Get him Vio.'” You need a comma after him (-1).
“Just as the Bisharp was coming down having barely touched the black and blue hide of the menacing dragon...” You need a comma after down (-1).
I feel like there was a bit too much going on in your Appeal, Sabi; it was kinda hard to follow (-1).
“... stress both physical and mental.” You need a comma after stress (-1).
“I watch in dismay as...” Never make it seem as though you were taken off guard or you don't have an action plan. For this, I let Sabi's Tri-Attack take away an extra point. Remember to remain calm, cool, and collected at all times.
“From the belly of the laboratory a wind emerges...” You need a comma after laboratory (-1).
“... between it and the wind Chessmaster's...” You need a comma after wind (-1).

Stuff I did like:
I like the way you described Stone Edge's light reflecting off of Chessmaster's steel body (-1).
Using Tri-Attack to deflect the Assurance was amazingly clever. Great job (-3).
I love how you're giving Chessmaster the personality of a valiant knight – it makes the Appeal more personal, which is great. Keep this up.
“The red glow on Chessmaster's hands begins to intensify rather than fade...” This follow-through was perfect. You remembered that Heat Wave turned the metallic parts of his body red, and you utilized it to your benefit.


Saraibre Ryu

[Vio-Nai] Hydriegon
Ability: Levitate.
Health: 8%
Energy: 72%
Points: 46.


Velocity

[Chessmaster] Bisharp
Ability: Inner Focus.
Health: 43%
Energy: 55%
Points: 40.
Taunted for 2 more actions.


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Silly grammar mistakes are KILLING you, Katie. Triple check what you write; taking so many points away from your for simply forgetting to put a comma makes me feel like a jerk. :cc

I made Heat Wave cost 1/3rd the usual Energy because there was already a wind prior to using the attack and some fire in Vio-Nai's mouth.

Reflect has faded. Tailwind has ended. The second Dual Chop missed with an Accuracy roll of 91.

Sabi, your move, please.

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