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Old 04-10-2006, 06:00 AM
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Redlark Offline
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The Quest for Legends

Mark, Mom, Dad, Mrs. Grodski, Charmander, Mr. Flintlake, and Eevee. There was also, the Mystery Pokemon.

The story takes place in a completely different area called Ouen, northwest Ouen to be exact. Northwest Ouen, and the city of Sailance, have an odd effect on Pokemon, making it almost devoid of any Pokelife. Any pokemon in the area find themselves becoming very weak to the point of sleeping all day. Very little is said about it, except for being “mysterious” and Dragonfree only shows the effects Northwest Ouen has. Causing the reader to barely even understand what the secret behind that area really is. I’m being redundant, but I really like the concept. I wont take the idea from Dragonfree, but if I lacked morals, I would.

The prologue, all I’ve got to say is, ‘dang girl.’ The only problem is, and I don’t even think it’s a problem at all (since it got me to read to the end without stopping for food and such); The prologue is cryptic as heck, but it works. Throughout the story, the thought and image of the prologue is engraved in my mind because it contrasts the rest of the story so much. Also, I found myself reading through the story trying, then skimming through it a couple times, to figure out what the heck happened in the prologue. I looked for foreshadows or anything that popped up with the story: Mark doodling a Lugia and/or the quick mention of the “Color Dragons.”

Now I spend so much time mentioning the prologue, because of one thing: Dragonfree did a very-very good job at grabbing me by the collar and saying, “Here’s the conflict, Fool!” The prologue’s a disturbing image to think about, but the major conflict of the story itself is shown right off the bat. Being a dramatic writer at heart, I love the plot device used to death--It seems to be following a Sci-Fi or Horror diagram. Either way, I want to see what happens to Mark and what connection he has with the Prologue. (*tech note #1)

Mark, the main character of the story finds himself struggling with with Battling Class, because he lacks the motivation to even try hard at his homework and such. His parents don't want him to go on a Pokemon Journey, so Mark believes he wont. That's up until he see's a fainted Charmander lying in the middle of the street during a rainstorm.

Taking in the Charmander, Mark's motivation comes back and he finds himself actually studying for Battle Class.

The "extras" in the story, mostly 3 and 4, got a little bit slow. They're not necessary, but add so much depth if you read them through. (*tech note #2)

There seems to be a lot of twists and turns coming. Honestly, this is the beginning of an awesome story. I want to read more. Very adventure and plot based.

A fun idea that came up was “Pokemon Speech.” In some ways, this gives Mark an edge as a Pokemon trainer, because he's really good at understanding the Pokemon languages. The dialogue with the Eevee should be very interesting.

If it seems like I'm leaving a lot of things out, I am. I don't want to give away the story, because there's too much to say and just reading it is quite exciting.

Bringing everything I read together; the thing that keeps me reading is the huge epic style plot that seems to be taking place. I’m very eager to read more, and I’m on my toes trying to figure out what’s going to happen. There's also a lot of neat ideas Dragonfree keeps on coming up with. Please keep writing, Dragonfree.

Rating: 8.4
Very Creative. You’ve gained a reader.

Technical Notes for Dragonfree:
1. The only problem I have with the prologue is that, you really could’ve elaborated a bit more. Not saying you should get rid of the mystery by explaining what happened in detail. But you could’ve showed more action, maybe more description of the gory battle that had just taken place, etc. But then again; the shortness keeps it a quick sting to the reader’s mind. A little more gory details wouldn’t of hurt though.

2. Like you said about “extras,” they’re really not necessary to the story at all. It’s just a cheap excuse to interject background information without having to interweave it into the story somehow. Even then, a reader would probably still enjoy the story just as much without the “extras.” I’m not saying take out the Extras, but I am saying, they’re really not that necessary. They only seem to add girth to what the reader is forced to read. BUT, having the extras does show how deeply thought out your story is. Also, doing my “research” on You the author (profile and crap), I’m impressed.

Overall; the “extras” are like footnotes in a novel, not a lot of people like reading them, and at most costs you should try to avoid them. But in the end the reader learns so much more about the story’s world by having them there. Which in the long run, the reader is more satisfied with the story, because you give them the feeling that they’ve just learned about some deep complicated world, making them feel smart (which is a very good thing to do). Not saying your readers are idiots, but making them feel gratified and giving them something nice to walk away with is always good.

I should mention though, you should try to avoid “extras” when you reach a climactic moment, it’ll divert the readers attention from the actual story itself. Making really awesome scenes and chapters less impressive, because you just now flashed a crap load of backstory into the readers face. It’s like what Charles Dickens or Victor Hugo does; you explain soooooo much and soooooo long on history and description that most modern readers says to themselves, “What the hell was I reading again? Oh yeah, it’s a story, not a text book.”

Other Notes: Grammar issues were at a minimum, which is always nice; and style issues weren’t that major. All I say is that you should probably watch out for the “flow” of the story. It seemed a little bit jumpy with the Eevee sequence. I didn’t get confused, but I’m sure for somebody that’s not used the writing technique, might get confused.

And, about “story flow;” just keep in mind to not drag. Not saying it really dragged in the story, but it seems like there might be the small possibility of dragging later on.

Very creative story, I was happy to read it.

Last edited by Redlark; 04-12-2006 at 04:05 AM.
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