View Single Post
  #4  
Old 03-10-2004, 11:09 AM
boltAge Offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Singapore
Posts: 3,215
Send a message via AIM to boltAge
Default Re: The Wild Shroomish! *Ready for a Grade*

Story: 1 sentence till you begin whacking Shroomish... Have some sort of way to reach Shroomish instead of just meeting it and battling it. If you don't plan to do so, at least have an interesting storyline before meeting Shroomish. There's practically no storyline in this story at all.

Grammar: Didn't really see any obvious mistakes. Good.

Details: You need more. Describe the scenery, the feeling and whatever worth describing before entering the battle. Like "Towering green trees blocked the sunlight from beaming onto me, so I couldn't see where I was going.". This is not the best, but it's an example. Writing the battle part is a great part to imput descriptions(adjectives, adverbs) to good use. K? Good luck.

Reality: Fine, I suppose.

Battle: Like I say, it requires more details. Don't just describe how the battle went, describe how you feel when battling. Like: "Drops of sweat dripped down my face, as Teddiursa fired a fierce punch at Shroomish. I cheered happily when Shroomish was thrown onto a tree by the punch.". It's an example, again.

Outcome: Shroomish not captured!

Tips: Work on everything, try to improve it further even if you think it's good enough.
Reply With Quote