Thread: Tisop Region
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Old 07-16-2006, 09:19 PM
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Default Re: Tisop Region

Okay, this should be fun.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Grass King View Post
Tisop Region

Chapter 1: The Beginning

Mick, a tall, muscular boy, with jet black hair, crystal blue eyes, pale skin, and pearl white teeth, walked down the street towards the professor’s lab. The professor, Professor Eucalyptus, was a small, rugged, pokemon researcher.

Okay, you should hit "enter/return" after every paragraph - i.e. a main idea. So, after you describe Mick, the description of Professor Eucalyptis should be a second paragraph. Also, you shouldn't have a comma after rugged and before pokemon researcher.

Now, about description. Try to weave description into the action.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Grass King
He was usually out studying pokemon that lived within the route connecting this town, with a much larger city. His brown hair was usually short, with a medium length fringe. His lime green shirt, brown pants and shoes, along with his white lab coat was his usually attire.
Was should be were, as it is referring to more than one thing.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Grass King

Mike finally came upon the large, metal, silver building. He pulled open the metal door, and was welcomed into a large room, with flowery wallpaper, a pale green carpet, and a large, wooden, door on the other side. There was a faint smell of oranges in the air, and people sat on the fake-leather, green, armchairs. He walked up to the wooden framed, small, window, which on the other side was the reception. He just showed his appointment card, to the receptionist, and she simply nodded her small, round, head. He walked over to the second door, and opened it.

In front of him was a long, seeming
seeming should be seemingly

Quote:
Originally Posted by Grass King
endless corridor, with multiple doors on either side. He walked around ten meters, and then noticed a door to his left. The door had a sign that read, ‘Professor Eucalyptus – Starter distribution room’. He knocked on the door, and waited a couple of seconds before the door before him swung open. Before him is the small professor.
Try to keep the same tense. Throughout the piece you have been using past-tense, and is is present-tense.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Grass King
The professors green shirt hanging down to around Mick’s knees.
This is a fragment, consider revising, as WordProcessor would say. Try to add a action. For example: The professor's green shirt WAS hanging down to around Mick's knees.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Grass King
He said to Mick, “I suppose you are here to choose your starter pokemon?” While Mick replied, “Yes professor, I am”. “Okay then, which starter have you chosen? Aron, Magnamite, or Skarmory?” Mick opened his mouth to answer, as the words, “I choose Aron!” came out.
You should have a new sentence everytime a different person speaks. Also, Magnamite should be Magnemite. Thirdly, the way you describe Mick speaking is awkward. How about should saying: Mick said, "I choose Aron!"

Quote:
Originally Posted by Grass King
The small professor selected the centre sphere, out of three that stood in a row. He walked over to the teenager, and placed the spherical orb in his hand. On the top of the orb was a symbol. The symbol was actually a picture of an Aron. The reason for this was, simply that, in the last few years, pokemon researchers, like professor Eucalyptus, had managed to give pokeballs a new edge.
The sentence is simple way to confusing. It is rather long and the commas make it all to confusing. Try breaking it up or taking away commas, like this:

The reason was, that in the last few years pokemon researches had managed to give pokeballs a new edge. Professor Eucalyptus was one of them.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Grass King
So that trainers didn’t get confused, they adapted pokeballs to show the pokemon that was within them, on the top. Mike simply shouted, “Come on out, Aron!!” as a miniature, silver, baby creature came out. Its large head housed hefty, round, sky blue eyes, a hidden mouth and multiple holes. His body also had multiple holes, as well as four tiny, silver limbs coming off. His head was reflecting all the light incoming from the multiple windows, which were spread across the wall. Mike was flabbergasted how his petite legs could endure the heaviness of his head in addition to his body.
A problem I once had. You must keep the pokemon the same gender/genderlessness. First you say the Aron is an it, then you say it is a he.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Grass King
The small, metallic, baby Aron walked up to its new trainer, surveying him. He finally reached his partners feet, and was picked up by two warm, loving, soft hands. When he was brought up to eyelevel with the human, he looked into those crystal blue eyes, filled with compassion, love and respect. He had by no means thought he would have been lucky enough to be chosen by a human with so much of these qualities. He had always predicted to be taken by a trainer who just wanted him to evolve, to become stronger, and just win al the time.
This often happens, especially without careful proofread: al should be all.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Grass King
However this trainer was different, this trainer would respect him, they would become equals, and they would help each other grow.
You should have a comma after however. Also, the first phrase (However, this trainer was different) should be a sentence in its own right.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Grass King
“Mick, you do know that you have now chosen the pokemon that will be with you until your life expires? You will never again be able to come back to this room and get rid of him for one of the others. Now which of the following will you be competing in, Gym battles, Contests, or neither?” the professor asked. “Well professor, I know that he is my lifelong partner, and I will be competing in Gym battles.” Mike replied. The professor then continued, “All across Tisop, there are Gyms in which elite trainers, who run them, battle, in order to disperse badges though out the region with trainers who defeat them. A minimum of 8 badges to qualify, and enter the Tisop league competition.
Another fragment. Add and action, and you shoud be fine. Also, write out all numbers from one to ninety-nine.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Grass King
This competition will have you compete against multiple trainers, and fight with hundreds to become the champion of the region. Now that is all that I have to tell you. Good luck Mick, I hope for the best, and I believe in you and Aron. Good bye for now.” The professor finished speaking. Mick rotated on his heel and exited the room, with the baby Aron still in his arms. He exited the structure, the reception being a bit additionally crowded.

It was Mick’s 14th birthday. That was the day when kids could set out on a pokemon expedition. There were 5 starter cities, with each of the first letters of the cities and towns making the name of the region. T, for Titanium town, were steel types were given out. I, for Igniting city, were fire types were given out. S, for Swimming town, were water types were given out. O, for Ordinary town, were normal types were given out. And finally, P, for Petal city, were grass types were given out.
Nice names! I bet you could think of better ones! I mean - Titanium is okay, but Igniting? Swimming? Ordinary? Petal? Well, Petal would be okay if you gave a suffix to it, such as Petalton. Other than that, try to think of more original names. Such as Igniteon, Swima, Ordin, etc.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Grass King
He thought of his one true love, Natalie, who had been forced to move with her parents, to Ordinary town. She had moved, coming up to 18 months ago, and was 14 in one month’s time. So he planned to travel to Ordinary town, the next town over. Then reside there with Natalie and her parents, until she could go on her journey. Then they had decided to travel around Tisop together.

He headed back along the path that he had followed previously that day, back to his residence, with the baby Aron walking at his side, as the sun rained down on them.

What do u think?
Should i continue with this fan fic?

Also, the centered text makes it hard to read. Just leave it regular like other text and it'll be fine. Then again, you might have just been trying to make the title centered and when you pasted/typed your story in, you didn't begin after the [/CENTER] sign.

Now, the general areas.

This fic of yours can improve, but there are some good things to it.

You really need to drop down two lines every time you begin a new paragraph - every time there is a new idea or someone different speaks. Also, actions and dialogue shouldn't be in the same paragraph, unless they are in the same sentence. You seem to have a problem with putting commas in the wrong spot. I suggest putting it through Word, which should see most of them. Also, carefully read your work before posting.

Descriptions were, well, static. Like I said, try to weave the description into the actions of the piece.

For example, have Mick walk along the ______ path, his ______ hair swaying in the ______ breeze.

Good things, let's see. Well, original starter pokemon. Though you refer to starter cities? What in the world? Tell us what starter cities are. Also, what would happen if a person weren't to live in a "starter" city. What then?

Over all, it's okey-dokey for what, I'm guessing, is your first fic.

I'm also guessing you might have typed it in the post box. If you didn't it just striked me as you might've. Make sure you run your chapters through Microsoft Word/Works before posting. Even the e-mail spellchecker would help.

Anyway, good luck writing the next chapters if you want to continue. Though if you do, you might want to re-write chapter one, giving us less static description, giving away less hints about what Mick is going to do, and maybe foreshadowing some danger on the journey, somehow.

Anyway, you might want to read the guide to fanfic writing, by Neo Pikachu. It's called Taking Your Writing to the Next Level.

Good luck, once more.
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