Thread: Ocean of Chac
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Old 12-29-2006, 07:50 PM
DaRkUmBrEoN's Avatar
DaRkUmBrEoN Offline
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Default Re: Squirtles in Cinnabar (Grading needed)

Argh... I was typing out the grade and then browser went to a different site, while I was in basic editing mode. Now I need to retype everything... ;_;

Interesting, since it doesn't start off like your run of the mill story. I like the idea of having that battle with the Gym trainer at the start, but it slowly becomes more and more predictable.

Try throwing in some plot twists, some random events to throw off the reader and make them wonder what the hell is going on. Though, what you have here is decent enough for your first few stories.

Ah, this is where I like to nag, but I won't this time. You've done decent on the description, which isn't bad for a starter. Only describing the most useful parts and letting out the unnecessary details is a good approach if you want to speed things up, but I don't get the idea you wanted that throughout the entire story.

You need to learn to know when to slow down your story to a pace suitable for explanation scenes and speed things up for action packed events. This will come as you start to write more, so don't worry too much about it yet.

Ouch, this is were it hurt you the most. I'm doubting that you've reread your story and checking it with MS Word. There are a lot of misspellings made by typos and just not knowing how to write the word. Also, you tend to forget to place commas in some places, so I think you need to check out the << How to Write Stories >> thread again.

The key to getting better in grammar and spelling is to recheck, recheck and recheck. Now, if you've done that, recheck some more. Yes, it sounds corny, but learning all the rules and words by heart doesn't get you anywhere, and will just consume time like hell.

Long enough. It's not a big deal, since this kinda depends on the quality and the Pokémon.

You seem to get way too many lucky breaks. It's kinda bad if your Pokémon faints, and then somehow dodges the next attack.

Oh, and your battles seemed to get bland after a while. They're all described the same way with the same moves. Now, there are two ways to deal with this. Either use different moves or use the moves creatively and differently, like how you did with Seadra's Ice Beam against Lapras.

The thing that hurt you most was Grammar/Spelling, seconded by Plot and Battle. Now, you don't have to fix your plot and battle, but fixing Grammar/Spelling would help you out so much at the moment.

Outcome: Sorry, Squirtle not captured.


Near a tree by a river, there's a hole in the ground.
Where an old man of Aran goes around and around
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