View Single Post
Old 03-27-2007, 09:03 PM
Finch's Avatar
Finch Offline
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: UK
Posts: 5,201
Send a message via Skype™ to Finch
Default Re: Mankey Buisiness

Hmmn, OK, here's the grade:

This was a joy to read. Really, it’s a pretty simple concept but it’s a novel one I haven’t seen much of in the past. It was great to see how the Mankey’s short fuse and mischievous nature finally caught up to it in the end, when the trainer captured it. I would have liked to see more of the trainer’s character reflected in your story, but this is a tale about a wild Pokemon and its time in the forest, so that’s not a major issue at all. Good work, I say.

One thing I really liked was your use of real-world conventions. For example, you mentioned a Pokemon being kicked in the kidney, which is something a lot of people don’t really think about. It puts a whole new spin on it to give Pokemon some sense of realistic biology. The Pidgeotto’s wing breaking, too, was a good example of this. However, on the linguistic side of things I did notice you repeating some words in your descriptions. Rather than saying “except it was larger, and the feathers on its head were large” I’d say “except it was larger and had an impressive plumage”, something like that to help it flow. Otherwise, your imagery was spot-on.

This was your biggest area for improvement, but it was by no means dire. The flaws were definitely minor, but they tended to recur a few times throughout the story. You have a tendency to over punctuate, especially when it comes to commas. The comma here isn’t at all necessary: “There was a loud snap, as the wing broke.” Just look out for when you’re separating clauses. Be careful, too, of typing errors such as “Pidgotto” and missing the “s” from “bananas” right at the beginning. Look out for the red and green wiggles! I’m talking, of course, about Microsoft Word.

Yeah, sure, it’s plenty, this is fine.

One great aspect of “Mankey Business” was that it was a constant battle, more or less. While the trainer only entered at the end, your potential new recruit was beating stuff up for the whole story, which was sneaky as it meant it was weaker for when you made the attempted capture. You avoided just spewing out move names and really gave some detail into what each Pokemon was doing, so well done. It was definitely enjoyable. I would expect Machamp to at least have suffered a bruise or two, but then, it is a lot tougher than the wild Pokemon.

Mankey captured! It’s nice to see something a little different, and I think you did this well. Next time, though, I’d like to see you develop your grammar just that little bit more.
Reply With Quote