: You literally go outside, start swimming, and find the Pokemon you want. To say that this has been done would be an understatement - it's been used so many times that this type of "plot" makes me want to rip out my hair. There's nothing too exciting about it, and even though this is for a common Poliwag, I just can't find anything too original or fun about it - even if you threw something as lame as an Aqua member coming in to ruin things, I probably would have preferred it. Needless to say, this section needs more "spice", if you know what I mean.
: Mostly comma errors, which is common.
“Well… We’ll go to Mossdeep tomorrow but now you rest” he took out the white and red ball and returned Ludicolo.
need to end dialogue like this with a comma. I think you forgot that with every piece of dialogue. There should also be an indication that this person talked, like "he said", or just put in a period after the dialogue and start a new paragraph. Check through these and fix them as necessary.
: Good enough for Poliwag, I guess, but the grammatical errors, boring plot and lack of details don't help much.
: I think it's obvious I'm a stickler when it comes to things like this. I realize this is for a common Pokemon, but you still did not provide much of this, which is important for stories to work. I have no idea what the main character looks like, which is never good, and I don't know what any of the settings look like as well. You say things like, "he went to Lilycove," but HOW did he make it there? Second, give us a general idea of what it LOOKS like. Lilycove is probably one of the more unique towns in Hoenn, and you could at least let us know how - describe the giant shopping center, or the Contest Hall, for example. For all your reader could know, Lilycove is just a boring town with spotted buildings and one PokeCenter.
“Freddy,” he said
“Nice to meet you Freddy, now do you have any steel pokemon?”
“I do have a Metagross”
Yawn ... not only are these sentences wrong (periods, commas and capitalizations), but they're just boring. How are these people reacting as they are talking to each other? Are they smirking, smiling, holding something, or .. ? Not only do you not describe what they look like at all, but we don't know their personalities as well. When we can't connect to the characters at all or "see" them, the story will fail.
Describe just about anything you can - the characters, Pokemon, the sea, Lilycove, and so on.
So then he decided to buy a map from the largest Pokemart in all of Hoenn. After Freddy got the map he found out that he needed to surf on one of his Pokemons back to get to Mossdeep. And so he did. He sent out his Ludicolo and started training it to surf.
What is the map like? What is the 'largest Pokemon'? How do you train Ludicolo to use Surf? YOU NEED TO TELL US.
: Someone came along to give you advice, which I suppose helps with the story. Otherwise, I think all that happened was Poliwag trying to use Hypnosis and Metagross using two attacks to finish it. Poliwag is at home in the water, so it might carry an advantage - attack bonus, etc.
Using evolved Pokemon to murder it wasn't just unfair, it was also dull. Finding one immediately could also happen, but do you really think your readers will buy that? Maybe throw in more attacks, or allow Poliwag to actually defend itself.
: Poliwag Not Captured!
- I have plenty of advice, so read up.