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  #1  
Old 04-04-2007, 11:27 PM
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Default [ untitled fanfiction // preview ]

Due to a sudden spark of creativity and rereading a lot of the Warriors series by Erin Hunter, I had the idea to bring a few ideas together in order to create a new fanfiction.

The main character is Whiteash, a teenage Absol who wants little more than to break away from her family group to set out on her own. With a distrustful mother and all-too-curious siblings, this is a task within itself. To make matters more interesting, Iceray, an old friend, arrives as he suddenly finds himself without a home. As she battles with her mother to let him stay with the family, Whiteash needs to find out Iceray's dark past. She soon finds herself traveling on a shadowy path carved by secrets as she gains her wish of leaving the family behind. She and Iceray have felt the beginnings of a disaster...one so powerful, it is as if the world will come to an end... Yet, as more secrets are revealed about her friend, how is Whiteash able to trust him on the journey?

It's in first person (wow...I'm getting used to writing like that :3), and it's probably going to be rated at least high PG for violence. For those of you who like the evil twists I throw to my suffering characters in the Shadow Trilogy, you'll like this. *does the evil Kaze laugh*

Quote:
One

I blinked as the sunlight shone down in waves of heat from the bright sky above. The trees had thinned in that area of the mountainous territory. Rocks jutted out from cliff sides, creating natural shade from the strong summer heat. The wind blew past a copse on a flattened area of brown stone and dirt, rustling the green leaves. The unmistakable scent of prey wafted to my nostrils, and I tensed. There was a flash of brown and cream in the bushes ahead, and I dragged myself forward, licking my lips. The Zigzagoon had scurried when I first saw it, but I had finally caught up. I rocked back onto my haunches, waited for the pitter-patter of zigzagging steps to come closer, and finally leapt.

A squeal of surprise came from the bush as my claws scythed through open air. The raccoon Pokémon turned and bristled after narrowly escaping my large paws. Its brown eyes wide with fear, it backed up and finally pivoted, scrambling up a tree. I lifted myself up onto my hind legs, scratching anxiously at the bark as I watched my prey. It growled, its harsh, spiky fur sticking up to make itself seem bigger. However, there was no need; I had turned around with a sigh and padded off.

Summer had come early in the mountains, and food was plentiful. I knew that I had to work as hard as I could in order to feed my family. While Absol weren’t very social, we stuck in family groups when times were rough. Lately, that had been often.

My paws dragged on the ground as I listened for the trickle of water. A great river that cut through the stone had turned into a small stream due to the intense heat. I lowered my head for a drink and paused at the sight of the Absol staring back at me. I admired the long curve of the black horn on my head but also frowned at the child still lingering in the dark face. I was a teenager, as my species went, but I longed to be an independent adult. I bowed my head to lap up more water, my shoulders sagging in a sigh. It wouldn’t be much longer before I went out on my own. That’s what my mother, Snowflower, always said, and she’d jokingly add that she couldn’t wait to finally have peace and quiet with me gone.

I turned up to the mountain path and trotted across the dirt. I knew that I should’ve found something else to eat, but there was a cache full of earlier catches nearby. I lifted my nose to the wind and ran quicker until I found the mound of dirt. Pawing aside dead leaves and soil, I uncovered the dirty and bloody feathers of a young Taillow. I picked up the blue bird in my jaws and scurried south for home.

A stretch of pine forest sheltered the family. I headed past several trunks, squeezed through an empty space through a giant fallen log, and then lifted my head when I caught sight of the tangle of thorns and plants that surrounded our living area. I stretched and finally brushed aside some ferns with a paw. The clearing stretched out ahead of me, and a few black faces lifted to look at me. I smiled at the familiar rows of garnet eyes and padded forward with the dead Pokémon hanging from my mouth. I dropped it into a pile of other bodies and turned to look at my mother.

The old Absol had beautiful fur and an elegant body, but a scar parted the fur along her grey muzzle. One of her eyes was milky white and sightless, the other rich red, sparkling with pride as she gazed at me. Mother finally dipped her head in greeting and murmured, “Welcome home, little one.” I smiled but was a little flustered by her formality; she only sounded this reserved when something was troubling her. She paused momentarily then continued, “We will have a guest. He comes from the far north.” Her eyes closed, and I realized after a confused heartbeat that she was finished and was dismissing me.

“Hey, Whiteash!” a pair of young voices called.

Two young Absol scrambled toward me on awkward and clumsy paws. I purred affectionately at their excited barks and lowered my head to the smallest’s eye level. The male pup had dirty white fur and a mischievous gaze; he was nearly a teenager. The female was a lot younger, innocence reflected in her wide, pink eyes. An Absol was born with these light pink eyes, and the color darkened into rich red with age.

“Winterhawk, Rosedew,” I yipped in greeting, touching my nose to each pup’s in turn.

“What’d you catch, Ash?” Winterhawk, the male, asked, using my informal name.

“Just a Taillow,” I said, embarrassed at my failure to get the Zigzagoon

Just a Taillow?” gasped Rosedew, her eyes huge. “Didn’t it try to fly off?” She changed the subject before I could answer. “You’ll never guess who is coming over,” she added with a mischievous smirk, flashing already sharp white teeth. “We just got news of him. Aunt Snowflower wasn’t too happy when she heard his howl.”

“Mom is almost upset,” Hawk whispered, looking at his paws. “It’s a hot summer, and prey’s scarce. She doesn’t want to spare much when he comes, but he hasn’t told us the reason that he was coming.” I watched the fur along his spine stand on end and nodded understandingly. As always, Mother was thinking of our family, first.

“Who is it?” I asked impatiently, a growl in my tone.

My brother stared at me for a long time. “I don’t remember him, but Mom said that you would.” He kneaded the ground eagerly with his paws, his tail ticking back and forth in a wag. “Do you know who Iceray is?”

“Oh, Arceus,” I exclaimed hoarsely. Iceray had been a clumsy pup when I had met him—in fact, we both had been—and he was a little older than me. He was orphaned and raised by the family. Mother hadn’t been very sure about him joining us at first, but she finally relented when she realized his parents truly were dead. When we were both still young, no older than Hawk, when he left the group to travel on his own. A few years had passed, and I was surprised that he was coming back. I bowed my head and murmured, “He’ll be very different.”

My cousin smiled but was called back before she could speak. Her mother stared sternly at her until she finally went back to her side in a low crouch. There was still a lot to be done to prepare for Iceray’s return, and I couldn’t take the time to argue for my aunt to let Dew keep talking with us. I gave Winterhawk a tight nod and bounded away to where Mother stood in wait.

I opened my mouth, but her head was cocked, and I closed it abruptly. She was listening at something far off in the distance. I tried to make out the note of the long howl and shivered. Though it was too far away to understand the words, I could tell it was the call of a mature young male. Iceray will really have changed, I thought. I wonder if he’ll remember me.

“Whiteash?” Mother whispered, turning to face me. “What is it?”

“Is there anything I need to do?” I asked quickly. “You know, to prepare for Iceray?”

Mother’s expression darkened at the name, and she averted her eyes. She growled commandingly, “Do as you wish. It will be some time before he gets here.” She paused thoughtfully. “Actually, it would be good if you took Winterhawk to practice hunting. We need all of the prey that we can get.”

“Yes,” I agreed, bowing my head before going to retrieve Hawk.

My brother followed me silently to the entrance of the clearing and scampered out. I led him past a few tall trees and finally paused; something had rustled in the bush nearby. Glad for my almost instant luck, I said out of the side of my mouth, “Can you tell what it is?”

Winterhawk sniffed and frowned thoughtfully. He nodded and replied, “Shroomish, I think.”

“It’s all yours,” I purred. “Watch out for its spores!”

I had to call the last part, because he was already leaping for the bush. He slashed through it and thrust his head forward to bite at the green-spotted mushroom Pokémon. The Shroomish turned sharply to deal him a ram with its head, but he had bitten into its side and was dragging it back. Powder suddenly burst from its body, and I recognized the greenish tinge. As the spores settled on Hawk’s fur, he sneezed and blinked heavily, releasing his catch. He staggered back, his eyelids drooping as the powder took effect.

Sighing in irritation, I dashed forward while the Shroomish was occupied. I sank my claws into it and tugged its round shape back. It cried out in pain and anger, but another slash of my claws ended its life. I leaned forward to sniff it. Its scent of moldy leaves filled my nostrils as I picked it up with difficulty. While the mushroom Pokémon wasn’t nearly as tasty as a more animal-like one, it would do. I set it down to growl at my brother, “Wash your face in the stream.”

Winterhawk lurched to the side and struggled off, fighting the sleep induced by the powder.

Meanwhile, my attention was focused on getting the kill to the group. Trying to open my jaws wide enough to grasp the dead Shroomish, I started to make my way toward the thicket. However, a scent hit me like a battering ram; I whirled around with a challenging growl. At that moment, something as black as pitch slammed into me, and startling fangs buried themselves into my fur. I howled in pain as I writhed to throw the enemy Pokémon off of me, but by the look of determination and hunger that flashed in its eyes, it would take much more than that…
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  #2  
Old 04-04-2007, 11:36 PM
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Default Re: [ untitled fanfiction // preview ]

You know I'm reading Kaze. It's nice to see something influenced by Warriors. They're good books, if a little predictable at times. The writing is very good, but I only scanned through, and wasn't really looking for mistakes.
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Old 04-05-2007, 06:05 PM
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Default Re: [ untitled fanfiction // preview ]

LUV it, Kaze! I'll look foward to reading it, hopefully I can get into this one, seeing as I never got into the Shadow Trilogy.
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Old 04-06-2007, 09:08 PM
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Default Re: [ untitled fanfiction // preview ]

A few evil hours later...

I'm thinking of a lot of twists I can add to the story, but I'm for suggestions and quest-starring characters. I know that the plot's very vague, but I have a general idea of where I want to go with it. I'll probably add Pokemon Ranger elements to it, since Pokemon Ranger fics are very rare as far as I can see.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LordZangoose View Post
You know I'm reading Kaze. It's nice to see something influenced by Warriors. They're good books, if a little predictable at times. The writing is very good, but I only scanned through, and wasn't really looking for mistakes.
[Rude Kaze: Wow, no negative comments] Thanks, LZ. I love evil twists, so this won't be as straightforward as Warriors. I'm evil, and it'll show here, somehow.

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Originally Posted by lonewolf View Post
LUV it, Kaze! I'll look foward to reading it, hopefully I can get into this one, seeing as I never got into the Shadow Trilogy.
*dances* Thanks, lonewolf. I'm open for suggestions. I'll add some more to the first post, flesh the main idea out a little bit. It's going to be a pain in the ass trying to avoid most cliches as I write it, though. -_-
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Old 04-06-2007, 09:08 PM
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Default Re: [ untitled fanfiction // preview ]

Well, if you want this to do good, you better make it really stand out, since I have noticed a lot of n00b fics flooding the forum and making the rare diamonds in the rough become unnoticed. DS also has a fic coming and it seems pretty original, so you better watch out...
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Old 04-06-2007, 09:13 PM
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Default Re: [ untitled fanfiction // preview ]

Quote:
Originally Posted by LordZangoose View Post
Well, if you want this to do good, you better make it really stand out, since I have noticed a lot of n00b fics flooding the forum and making the rare diamonds in the rough become unnoticed. DS also has a fic coming and it seems pretty original, so you better watch out...
I need suggestions on how to make it stand out. The good fics are usually written by popular authors, such as RocketMeowth, et cetera. (Bothering people until they review is always a plus, but... XD) Me also needs a title... *cries*

I'm adding the "sensing disasters" element. That could be interesting... *rubs hands together in an evil manner* Yeah, this'll be full of action. I have to work on how the heck I'm going to write it, so it'll have a lot of description with few words. >_<
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Old 04-07-2007, 06:10 AM
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Default Re: [ untitled fanfiction // preview ]

Wow.

Lord Zangoose telling Kaze to watch out for my Fic. That's got to be a first. Kaze, don't worry about not being a popular author. You're probably better known by the newer lot of members than plenty of us oldies. Well, I'm not really an oldy, but I'm older here than you are so I can be called an oldy...XD.

Anyway, I like the idea. Original and keeps me wanting more. I have several things that will help it improve. I'm not saying that you write badly, but seeing as you asked for ways to improve, I'll oblige.

Firstly, your description with little words is all very nice, but it's also very unnatural. Your writing style, as I've seen in Reflection, is more suited for deep and powerful descriptions. You do that in minutes. But using few words effectively is a technique very few people have mastered. If you're looking for quick description that won't bother the action (my next point) try reading one of the Artemis Fowl books by Eion Colfer. They're not long, and take about 24 hours to finish and enjoy. They're witty, and use very little description. he conjures up a picture using very few words, and I never felt that I don't know what something looks like while reading his books. They're very, very good, that way.

And now, onto the action. No offense, Kaze, but it's a bit bland. I know I'm being a bit mean and all, but just to tell you, that this sort of action (the way you're writing it now), needs a little more hype to it. Less description about how the Zigzagoon moves, but more about what Whiteash is thinking when the Zigzagoon. But apart from that, it's pretty good.

Reading it over would help, 'cause I caught this:

Quote:
Summer had come early in the mountains, and food was plentiful.
Quote:
“Mom is almost upset,” Hawk whispered, looking at his paws. “It’s a hot summer, and prey’s scarce..."
Contrdiction. I'm sure it was accidental, and it's nothing much.

Anyway, on to my own opinions. Personally, I like it. I've always liked the way you write, and like how quickly you maange to keep the posts coming. You have skill, and you're using it. It's good. I'm looking forward to readin this. Oh, and on title, how about "Disaster Sense". Meh...I've never ben good at this kind of stuff...XD

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Old 04-07-2007, 10:39 PM
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Default Re: [ untitled fanfiction // preview ]

*grins* Another story from you! ^.^ I'm gonna make sure to read it, it sounds really interesting.

As for making it original. You could always permanently kill off a main character. *ducks under a desk* Or not, I haven't done it before, so I don't know if the readers would like that. Hmm. It's kinda tough now to find something original, with the amount of stories out there. But you could always make a twist on something less origanal. Sorry I don't have a better example.

As for a title, how about something to do with the traits of the main characters?
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Old 04-08-2007, 07:14 PM
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Exclamation Re: [ untitled fanfiction // preview ]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Deathspector View Post
Firstly, your description with little words is all very nice, but it's also very unnatural. Your writing style, as I've seen in Reflection, is more suited for deep and powerful descriptions. You do that in minutes. But using few words effectively is a technique very few people have mastered. If you're looking for quick description that won't bother the action (my next point) try reading one of the Artemis Fowl books by Eion Colfer. They're not long, and take about 24 hours to finish and enjoy. They're witty, and use very little description. he conjures up a picture using very few words, and I never felt that I don't know what something looks like while reading his books. They're very, very good, that way.


Meh. I know what you mean. ^_^; I'll keep adding in description. I've already looked over the story and edited it after posting this.

Quote:
And now, onto the action. No offense, Kaze, but it's a bit bland. I know I'm being a bit mean and all, but just to tell you, that this sort of action (the way you're writing it now), needs a little more hype to it. Less description about how the Zigzagoon moves, but more about what Whiteash is thinking when the Zigzagoon. But apart from that, it's pretty good.
I'll keep that in mind. This was just a bit of the first chapter, and I'm doing as much editing as I can. But, yes, I see what you mean...

Quote:
Reading it over would help, 'cause I caught this.

Contrdiction. I'm sure it was accidental, and it's nothing much.
I've read it over during the weekend while I was adding more to it. I've changed it. I have a bad habit of waiting until I read over it. It's easier to catch mistakes if you've waited a little while...

Quote:
Anyway, on to my own opinions. Personally, I like it. I've always liked the way you write, and like how quickly you maange to keep the posts coming. You have skill, and you're using it. It's good. I'm looking forward to readin this. Oh, and on title, how about "Disaster Sense". Meh...I've never ben good at this kind of stuff...XD

Deathspector
I'm glad you like it. I was reading some of your fics, too, and they're awesome...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kitty-chan View Post
*grins* Another story from you! ^.^ I'm gonna make sure to read it, it sounds really interesting.

As for making it original. You could always permanently kill off a main character. *ducks under a desk* Or not, I haven't done it before, so I don't know if the readers would like that. Hmm. It's kinda tough now to find something original, with the amount of stories out there. But you could always make a twist on something less origanal. Sorry I don't have a better example.

As for a title, how about something to do with the traits of the main characters?
*evil grin* Killing off main characters, eh? I've already thought about that... I'm thinking about the main plot before I make twists.

And, for the title... I'm still thinking, but I might use one of the main character's names. I'll keep "Disaster Sense" in mind, Deathspector. XD
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Old 04-09-2007, 06:48 AM
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Default Re: [ untitled fanfiction // preview ]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kaze View Post
I'm glad you like it. I was reading some of your fics, too, and they're awesome...
Thank you. XD

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kaze View Post
*evil grin* Killing off main characters, eh? I've already thought about that... I'm thinking about the main plot before I make twists.
Honestly I would recommend not killing your main characters. People often use this as a way of being original, but I find it the sadest and most commonly used ways of being uncommon (did that make sense?). Instead, I would suggest making something happen to one of the main characters that incapacitates them, or emotionally wounds them, rather than physically killing them. Maybe you could emotionally kill them? XD

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Old 04-09-2007, 10:05 AM
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Default Re: [ untitled fanfiction // preview ]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Deathspector View Post
Honestly I would recommend not killing your main characters. People often use this as a way of being original, but I find it the sadest and most commonly used ways of being uncommon (did that make sense?). Instead, I would suggest making something happen to one of the main characters that incapacitates them, or emotionally wounds them, rather than physically killing them. Maybe you could emotionally kill them? XD

Deathspector
I see what you mean, and it makes sense. XD

If anyone dies, it'll be a character that isn't as important or as developed, but emotionally killing them is nice.

Lately, I haven't been able to work on this, so I doubt that it'll show up soon...
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Old 04-19-2007, 12:04 AM
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Default Re: [ untitled fanfiction // preview ]

I like this, Kaze. 'Pokemon eating Pokemon' is just a bit weird to me, but that's just because... Well, I don't know, it just is. >< But, still, I think you can do well with this. It's good to see something Warrior based. ^^

Hm... Suggestions... I'm not really sure that I have any at the moment, but I'll think about it. Now, if I can just get the gumption to work on my own fanfic. -.-
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Old 04-19-2007, 01:01 AM
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Default Re: [ untitled fanfiction // preview ]

Actually, yeah, don't kill the main characters. Now that I think about it more it is used a lot. The idea of emotionally scarring them or something that would be a bit of aliability would be better.

And the idea of Pokemon eating Pokemon, honestly what else would they eat? The anime never shows anything but Pokemon, no other minor species or anything, and Pokemon like Arcanine, Absol, and Persian obviously woulnd't be herbivores, their teeth aren't made the right way. If they only have teeth that rip open flesh they couldn't eat leaves and grass very well. Plus, it has even shown Ash eating what looks like a fried Magickarp several times. >.>
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Old 04-19-2007, 01:34 AM
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Default Re: [ untitled fanfiction // preview ]

Eh... Maybe it's my being stuck, or a low self-esteem, but I've discontinued this fanfic after some thought. I've looked past a set plot. However, I have another story that's better planned.

For those of you who have read The New Prophecy and are a fan of the Tribe of Rushing Water, I've been writing another story based off of the Tribe. There are actually two Tribes, with similar beliefs and terms, yet the setting is in Africa, where African Wild Cats really live, about the same way as domestic kitties.

*groans and hurls self off cliff*

(Oh, and Shadow Sky is still alive; just tons of other crap going on and I haven't gotten to it yet. I'm trying to figure out the chapter I'm currently on, but I have it planned out. ^_^)
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