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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 03-08-2007, 03:35 PM
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Default Journey To The Battle Frontier

((In the next three Chapters I shall be going to try and get an Abra.))

Chapter 1
Lyoko Code sat on a bench in Petalburg City. Lyoko was fifteen years old, blue spiky hair. He came from a different region and had two Pokemon. His beloved Pichu and the Caterpie he caught in Route 2. Lyoko's dream was to be a great Trainer and compete in the Battle Frontier.

Lyoko saw his rival, Sasha.
"Sasha! How are you?" Lyoko shouted.
Sasha ran over to Lyoko.
"Lyoko! How are you?" Sasha questioned.
"Im fine. I just caught a Caterpie." Lyoko replied.
"I just got a Lotad. Wanna battle? Ill win this time." Sasha said.
"Bring it on, Sasha." Lyoko said.
Norman came out of the Gym and saw the battle about to start.
"If you want, I can be the ref." Norman said.
"OK. You ready Sasha? Because a defeat is heading your way!" Lyoko shouted.

Lyoko and Sasha walked a bit further away to give plenty of room for a battle.
"This will be a two-on-two battle! Begin the battle!" Norman said.
"OK. Caterpie come on out!" Lyoko shouted.
The Caterpillar burst out of its Pokeball.
"OK. Lotad, lets take the stage!" Sasha declared.
"Caterpie, start with a String Shot!" Lyoko ordered.
"Lotad, use Water Gun!"
The String Shot launched at the Lotad and stuck to it lowering Lotad's speed.
"Now, Caterpie, use Tackle now!" Lyoko ordered.
"Um. Growl, Lotad, Growl!" Sasha said.
The Caterpie smashed into Lotad before it could lower Caterpie's attack.
"OK. Caterpie, keep using Tackle!" Lyoko told Caterpie.
Caterpie kept charging and smashing into Lotad until Lotad finally got off its Water Gun attack.
"A direct hit! Ha ha!" Sasha said.
"Come on, Caterpie. We can do this! Tackle!"
"Lotad, Water Gun!" Sasha commanded.
The Water Gun missed Caterpie. Lotad was smashed by Caterpie.
"Lotad is unable to battle! Caterpie is the winner!" Norman declared.
"Right. Caterpie, lets have a rest! Pichu, its your turn!" Lyoko said.
"OK. Torchic, go!" Sasha shouted, "Use an Ember!"
"Swagger, Pichu!"
Pichu infuriated Torchic cionfusing it.
"Thundershock until it faints," Lyoko said.
"Flamethrower, Torchic!"
The Torchic beat the confusion and unleashed a mighty Flamethrower hitting Pichu.

"Pichu! Are you OK?" Lyoko asked Pichu.
"Pichu!" The electric mouse squeeked getting up slowly.
"Alright! Thundershock!" Lyoko said, fired up.
Torchic had hit itself in confusion and was then struck by Thundershock.
"A few more, Pichu!" Lyoko said.
Torchic had unleashed another Flamethrower but missed.
"One final Thundershock!"
Torchic was struck and fell down to the ground.
"Torchic is unable to battle! Pichu wins! The winner is Lyoko Code!" Norman declared.
"Well done, guys. Good battle, Sasha." Lyoko said, smiling.
"Same to you, Lyoko. I enjoyed that." Sasha replied.


Lyoko healed his Pokemon at the Pokemon Centre and checked his Poke' Nav.
"OK. Next is Petalburg Woods. And I will be through for my first badge!" Lyoko said.
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Next story: When Pichu evolves.
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"The saints are still weeping, cos things you call dead haven't had a chance to be born." Scatman John
Official Pokémon Master.
Obtained all 493 Pokémon.

Last edited by Volvagia Master; 04-07-2007 at 10:37 PM. Reason: Edited for regrade.
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  #2  
Old 03-30-2007, 08:12 PM
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Default Re: Journy To The Battle Frontier

Chapter 2
Lyoko walked into Petalburg Forest. The darkness was a bit creepy and the smell of dead leaves and Wurmples was almost unbearable.
"How do Bug Catchers get through here?" Lyoko said.
Lyoko and Pichu walked through for a bit till they saw a net.
"A Bug Catcher I think."
The net sprang up to reveal a boy with a Nincada on his shoulder.
"Im Musenrai. I challnge you to a battle, Lyoko Code!" The boy shouted.
"How did you know my name?" Lyoko gasped.
"Oh. Everyone knows you. You are Norman's son! Now lets battle. Go, Nincada!"
"Pichu. Come on!"
Nincada started to climb up a scraggly, decrepit tree.
"Pichu. Sweet Kiss!"
Pichu sent a swarm of hearts towards Nincada. The last heart hit Nincada.
"Now Swagger!" Lyoko shouted.
Pichu swaggered around the tree causing Nincada to get angry while hitting itself against the tree trying to impress Pichu.
"Now Quick Attack!"
Pichu darted up the tree smashing into Nincada taking it down.
"Well done, Lyoko! You are as good as they say!" Musenrai exclaimed.
"Heh. A bit of training never hurts."

Lyoko walked ahead to see and injured Abra.
"Oh no!" Lyoko grunted.
He ran over to the Abra and got a Potion out of his bag.
The Abra stared at Lyoko and tried to back away.
"Dont be scared Abra."
The Abra back away further. Lyoko put the Potion back in his bag and sat on a tree stump.
"Ill wait. I just wanna help."
Lyoko thought and he was then reminded of a similar situation.
Maybe, Team Rocket are behind this. Thanks to them I met Pichu.

After about an hour or two Abra started to move towards Lyoko.
Maybe I got its trust after all.
Lyoko grabbed the Potion from his bag.
"This will sting, Abra." Lyoko told Abra.
Lyoko sprayed the Potion over Abra. It squeeled quickly but soon calmed and let Lyoko pick it up.
"There. Now lets get you to a Pokemon Centre" Lyoko said, softly.
He ran, trying to not jiggle Abra around out of the forest. Night had come when he was out of the forest and Rustboro was up ahead. He sat down on a bench a rocked Abra gently sending it to sleep.
"There rest, little Abra." Lyoko said, "We better keep moving, Pichu. Climb into my bag and rest in there." Lyoko finsihed.
It took him a few hours but he arrived at the Pokemon Centre in Rustboro.
"Hey! Nurse Joy. Can you help this Abra please?!" Lyoko called through the Pokemon Centre.
Nurse Joy walked into the room.
"Shh. There are people asleep in here. Keep it down. Give me Abra and Ill heal him."
Lyoko carefully gave Joy the Abra.
"Theres a free room, second right then third right. Get some sleep. You look as if you need it." Nurse Joy informed Lyoko.
Lyoko smiled and nodded.
"Thanks."
He walked into the hallway, second right then third right.
"Here we are. Come on, Pichu."
Lyoko walked inside the room.
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Thanks Neo Pikachu for the amazing banner!

Next story: When Pichu evolves.
Current forum Battles: 0
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"The saints are still weeping, cos things you call dead haven't had a chance to be born." Scatman John
Official Pokémon Master.
Obtained all 493 Pokémon.

Last edited by Volvagia Master; 04-12-2007 at 11:43 AM. Reason: Making the post neater
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  #3  
Old 03-30-2007, 09:03 PM
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Default Re: Journy To The Battle Frontier

Chapter 3
Lyoko sat on a chair in a room in the Pokemon Centre of Rustboro City. He was waiting for confirmation on Abra recovering. Caterpie was snoozing on the table while Pichu was asleep on Lyoko's lap.
"OK. Pichu, Im getting up to go to sleep." Lyoko said to Pichu.
The tiny electric mouse moved to the arm as Lyoko got up. Lyoko walke dover to the bed.
"Night guys." Lyoko said.
Pichu fell asleep again on the chair. Lyoko took his cap and shirt off and fell onto his bed.
"Ah. Comfy bed."
He fell asleep in seconds. He hadn't been on a comfortable bed in ages.

Lyoko was in the forest again. He saw the Abra destroying the forest. Pichu was dead on the floor and Caterpie was struggling in a tree.
"Abra! Stop this now!"
All Abra did was crash a tree on Lyoko, killing him.
Lyoko woke up sweating.
"Phew. Now that was one bad dream."
It was still dark so Lyoko slumped back into his pillows and fell back to sleep.

It didn't feel like a dream. It felt like he'd been here before. It was the day he met Pichu.
Lyoko was running down a dark, musty hallway.
"Where is that meddling brat!? I''ll find him if it's the last thing I do!" A Rocket Grunt shouted.
Lyoko saw the Grunt walk off. As he was about to step out from the shadows he had to quickly step back inside. Another Rocket member had walked towards a cage next to Lyoko.
"Heh heh! This Blue Pichu will make the boss a load of money," The Rocket said, "Maybe then I'll be promoted to Admin for this capture."
Lyoko's eyes widened as the Grunt walked off cackling like a hyena. Lyoko vaulted from his hiding spot to see a Blue Pichu, staring at him, covered in bruises.
"Ive never seen a sight so saddening." Lyoko said, wiping a tear from his face.
Lyoko heard footsteps and hid in the shadows for a third time. Lyoko also heard the clinking of keys.
"OK. Get this Blue Pichu and bring it to the boss."
Lyoko stepped out of the shadows, his face screwed up in the anger. He was annoyed and he was going to get this Blue Pichu out.
"Leave that poor creature alone." Lyoko said.
He punched the Rocket in the mouth, knocking him out. Lyoko bent down and swiped the keys.
"Im getting you out, little fella." Lyoko grunted.
He opened the cage door. The Blue mouse stepped out slowly. Lyoko stepped back to the give Pichu some space.
"Pichu?" The mouse muttered slowly.
"Pichu. Do you trust me? I want to get you out."
Pichu looked at Lyoko.
"Its alright if you dont trust me." Lyoko said.
Lyoko stepped back further and looked at Pichu. Pichu stared at him. After five minutes, Pichu walked forwards gingerly.
"There you see."
Pichu made it to Lyoko and hugged his leg.
"OK. Lets get out."
Lyoko heard a loud footstep behind him. Lyoko looked around to see an Admin.
"A rat. Sniffing around. And now he's let out our prized capture?" The Admin said, "Im Tenus. And you better believe you are in for a shock."
Lyoko smirked.
"Your pathetic. Beating up a poor innocent Pokemon." Lyoko said, gritting his teeth.
"Ill give you this chance. Get out now. Im only telling you once." Tenus told Lyoko firmly.
Lyoko picked up Pichu carefully, and simply walked out of the hideout.

Lyoko woke up and realised. It was a warning. Not to lose faith in his Pokemon. Lyoko grabbed his shirt and pulled over his head and back onto his body and he shoved the cap back onto his head.
"Caterpie, return. Pichu. Come on." Lyoko said to the electric mouse.
Lyoko walked into the lobby of the Pokemon Centre and saw Nurse Joy.
"Hows Abra?" Lyoko asked Nurse Joy.
"I set it free. Its on its way to the forest." Nurse Joy replied.
"OK. Im gonna see if it wants to join my team."
Lyoko dashed out of the Pokemon Centre soon running into Abra.

Abra turned around to see Lyoko.
"Abra. I would love you to join my team. But battle me. I wanna get your fairly."
The Abra nodded.
"OK. Pichu! Its our time to shine! Swagger!" Lyoko shouted excitedly.
Pichu swaggered teasing Abra, making it angry but confused. The Abra charged in for a Ice Punch.
"Move, Pichu!"
Pichu was hit sending it into a tree.
"Thundershock!"
Abra was shocked badly and then hurt itslef in its confusion.
"Now, Quick Attack!"
Abra struck back with a Fire Punch but it missed.
"OK. Thundershock!"
Pichu was hit by a Confusion attack by Abra.
"Pichu, Sweet Kiss!"
Pichu sprayed pink hearts towards Abra. Abra charged at Pichu with a Fire Punch.
"Thundershock!"
Abra teleported behing Pichu hitting the Fire Punch square in its back.
"No, Pichu!"
Pichu sent a jolt of electricity at Abra, hitting directly.
Soon both Pokemon were exausted and ready to faint.
"Thundershock!"
Pichu sent out one last burst of electricity at Abra while Abra tried an Ice Punch.
"Come on."
Abra missed the Ice Punch and was struck by the Thundershock.
"Pokeball, go!"
Lyoko threw the Poke'Ball at Abra.

How would it end?
Would he fail?
Or would Abra join his team and help him get his first badge?
The nail biting result was yet to come.....
__________________

Thanks Neo Pikachu for the amazing banner!

Next story: When Pichu evolves.
Current forum Battles: 0
URPG Stats URPG Story
"The saints are still weeping, cos things you call dead haven't had a chance to be born." Scatman John
Official Pokémon Master.
Obtained all 493 Pokémon.

Last edited by Volvagia Master; 04-12-2007 at 12:13 PM. Reason: Making it longer and better.
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  #4  
Old 04-06-2007, 11:44 PM
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Default Re: Journey To The Battle Frontier-To be graded!

I think you've waited long enough. ;P

Story/Plot: It was okay, but this is yet another stereotypical “boy walks into forest and finds Pokemon” story. I think it would be a good idea for to sit down, and brainstorm some new ideas. Was Abra injured from a narrow escape from Team Rocket? Did Lyoko have some kind of strange and mysterious past? You could even change a few things around, especially the area where you found Abra simply in a forest. This story might have worked if you had been going for a Simple mon like Wurmple or Magikarp, but for something rarer like Abra, you need a deeper, more complex plot to pull it off. Don’t be discouraged, because you have a nice story going here, but take some time and work on it a little harder.

Grammar/Spelling: I can tell you really rushed to write this. Or, you just didn’t proofread it very well. You had quite a few obvious errors that would have been very noticeable if you were to read the story. Things like this:

Quote:
Lyoko walke dover to the bed.
I’m sure you know that it should be walked over, but you actually made a lot of typos like this. You need to go back and make sure you edit all of them out, especially since you’re writing for something in the Medium category.

Another thing I noticed was that you never included the apostrophe in words like “Im” and “Ill”. It signifies the fact that they are actually two words contracted into one: “I am” and “I will”.

The dialogue was the last significant problem area.

Quote:
"Thundershock until it faints." Lyoko said.
Because the words following the dialogue are actually describing it, you need to connect the two phrases with a comma.

"Thundershock until it faints," Lyoko said.


You don’t need to use a comma if the ending punctuation mark is an exclamation point or a question mark, but periods need to be changed to commas.

Other than that, everything was pretty good.

Length: Ouch. You need about three times the length you’ve got going here. Abra’s range is between 20 and 30k, and you’ve got about 7k so far. I think as soon as you come up with a nice plot, you’ll have enough length there alone. Don’t stress to much about how long the story needs to be though; the quality of your story is much more important.

Reality: Everything seemed to fall nicely into place. The beginning battle between Lotad and Caterpie could have been a bit longer. The little worm would need a lot time to beat that opponent, no matter how much his speed is reduced.

Another thing was how easily Abra allowed you to help it. A wild Pokemon would fear a human and wouldn’t just let it walk up to them and spray something unusual on them. Have your character encounter some sort of problem here or something. Also:

Quote:
"OK. You ready Sasha? Because a defeat is heading your way!" Lyoko shouted.

Lyoko and May walked a bit further away to give plenty of room for a battle.
I thought you were battling Sasha, where did May come from? I’m so confused. ;_;

Battle: Again, length is an important factor here. You need lots of description and some more attacks to make the battle more exciting. Add in a twist or two; make it look like you are going to lose or something. Abra will put up a tough fight against a Pichu, and the battle would definitely be more two-sided. I think the main focus should be on the detail though. You didn’t use very much of it throughout the story, and that is one of the most important factors.

Outcome: I’m really sorry but, Abra not captured. If you just spend some more time on writing the story, and add some length and detail at least, you’d have yourself a capture. Let me know when you’ve edited, and I’ll regrade.

EDIT: Well, you fixed the grammar problems, but this is still way to much of a script. You have too much dialogue, and not enough details and story to go along with it. Try explaining what you see, not just telling the story through speech. I think it might help you some if you took a look at this story here. That link has several successful stories, including one for an Abra. Take a look at the amount of effort that author put into the story; it may help you to get some ideas. I'm sorry, Abra still not captured. Don't give up. Please keep trying. <3
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Last edited by EmBreon; 04-22-2007 at 04:25 AM.
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