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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 06-06-2007, 07:32 PM
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Default Staring Death In The Face {PG 13}

Staring Death In The Face

It was a beautiful morning. Pidgey’s flew across the orange sky. Clouds passed as the sun slowly rose from the hills. The quite breeze blew past calmingly. The streets were busy. The huge tower block cluttered Goldenrod City. Litter was nowhere to be seen. Pokemon played happily with there Trainers and there were smiles on everyone’s faces.

“You cannot be serious!” Adam yelled at his friend who told him about the new Pokemon roaming around town.

“Well I am!” Jeff replied.

Jeff and Adam were inside of Adam’s Goldenrod City Apartment. They were inside of the Green kitchen, which Adam hated. He would much rather it be Blue or Orange. They were sitting at the Kitchen table talking about Pokemon. Adam had Curly Brown hair with brown eyes, wearing a Blue Shirt, and Blue Jean’s Trousers. Adam did not like to be messed with, he had had a rough childhood, his father died a few years ago. Jeff had Jet Black Hair and he's shorter then average, which Adam always picked on him for.

"BANG!"

Something came flying through the window in to kitchen. It hit mom’s homemade Tea Pot. It fell off the top of the cabinet but Adam let out his Togekiss to catch it just before it hit the ground.

“Good thinking Adam” Jeff said to Adam as he recalled Togekiss.

“Now, THAT’S why I practice Cricket with my Pokemon” Adam said while winking.

“Now Adam, I have a plan to catch these new Pokemon that are coming to town” Jeff said hoping that Adam would actually listen to him.

“Jeff, seriously, have you gone nuts!? Those Pokemon would never be able to get into Goldenrod” Adam yelled at Jeff who wasn’t really listening he was too worried about coming up with a plan to catch these Pokemon.

“Jeff, let’s go for a little walk” Adam said to Jeff trying to get outside for some fresh air.

“Fine” Jeff Thought.

They walked out of the door to the dirt path of Goldenrod City. They looked up at the tall buildings just as they do every day. They loved to look at the yellow roofs and saw the biggest building in all of Johto, the Goldenrod Pokemart. The trees were swaying in the wind. With Orange, Red, and Gold leaves falling from the trees.

“Man, I sure do love fall” Jeff said to Adam with a smile on his face.

“Yea, me too” Adam replied, they both were walking as if they were dazed from how wonderful fall is.

They walked to the second biggest building in Johto, the Radio Tower. The Radio Tower was huge, it was black and constructed of iron bars.

“Want to see if we can win the lottery?” Adam said to Jeff.

“ Man, I hope one of us can actually win this time” Jeff said excited.

“Too bad the woman that does the lottery thing is like 100 years old” Adam laughed.

“ Oh man, I know” Jeff laughed right along with him.

Adam and Jeff walked into the Radio Tower still laughing. They walked around the counter to give their ID’s to the woman. After they got their Pokemon Trainer pamphlet. As they looked up they were expecting an old, frail woman, but that’s not what they saw. They saw a beautiful, young, woman. She had beautiful, straight, blonde hair. Great smile and a great body.

“Daaamn” Adam said under his breath so that only Jeff could hear.

Jeff laughed and told the woman his ID number.

“Your ID number sir?” The woman said to Adam.

“Oh, um, um, 1-2-34-5-6-7” Adam stammered still pondering at this girls beauty.

“Oh sorry guys neither of your ID numbers match today” Said the woman frowning.

“Oh, That’s ok” Adam said “But could I ask you a question” Adam asked smiling.

Jeff said “ Oh, no” and slapped his forehead.

“Ok” The woman the replied confused.

“Are your feet tired? Because you’ve been running through my mind all day long” Adam asked slyly

The woman laughed, and dragged Adam out of Radio Tower who was still staring at the woman.

“Adam, are you crazy?” Jeff asked while still laughing.

“No, why?” Adam asked a little confused.

Adam didn’t seem to understand that, that pick up line was extremely bad.

“Cause, that pick-up line never works” Jeff replied not understanding why Adam didn’t understand this. “Remember I taught it to you!”

“Note to self, never use one of Jeff’s pick up lines again, because they don’t work for him so why would they work for me” Adam said beginning to laugh.

Jeff scowled then began to laugh as well. They walked all around the beautiful city and saw some police officers with blue uniforms and gold stars to show their authority. They were holding flashlights and a Pokeball. One of the Officers eyes came to Adam.

“Freeze!” The Officer yelled.

“What? What did we do” Adam said surprised.

Adam walked right up to the officer and got in his face.

“If you touch me I will be forced to take you in for assaulting a police officer” The officer said.

“So if I just happened to just poke you, you would arrest me right?” Adam said in a smart way.

“Possibly” the Officer replied getting annoyed with this smart mouth teenager.

Adam took his finger and poked the officer with just a finger. The officer responded by pushing Adam to the ground. Adam jumped up and proceeded to swing at the officer. He hit the Officer in the face twice. Jeff pulled Adam back and held him tight as the officer wiped the blood of his face.

“Ass****!!” Adam yelled at the police officer. “Jeff get your hands off me so I can beat the hell out of this guy!”

“No, Adam!” Jeff yelled. “I’m not letting you get into anymore trouble!”

“Jeff!! This is not really a police officer!!” Adam yelled.

Jeff released his friend. Jeff still a bit confused asked “What?”

“Look at his badge!!” Adam yelled pointing at the officer who was smiling. “Now Jeff, you know just as well as me that Goldenrod City Police Officers have Growlithes on their badges. Now look at that it’s blank”

“Wow, Adam, your right” Jeff said in disbelief.

“This is my old childhood rival, George Evans” Adam said with an angry look on his face.

“Well, Well, looks as if you’ve brightened up in your life” George said with his hand in his pocket.

“Yea you son of a *****” Adam said looking as if he were about to kill George.

“Oh so we’re going to get into name calling?” George said as he reached into his pocket revealing a gun.

He pointed the gun at Adam and fired, Adam had no time to move. The bullet hit Adam in the chest and he fell backwards landing at Jeff’s feet. George pointed the gun at Jeff but Jeff had time to call out his Metagross.

“Metagross!!! Use Reflect!!” Jeff yelled scared to death.

The bullet came and couldn’t get through the Reflect. Adam had ran out of bullets and ran away John called 9-9-9 and got an ambulance to come.

The ambulance came, and they put the unconscious Adam on a stretcher. The woman had put a clear mask on his face to help him breathe. The Police had come and they were writing in their black notebook and interviewing Jeff. The woman looked as if she was about to cry. Adam opened his eyes for a second and took in one deep breath. Then it happened……….he had stopped breathing.
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[URPG] [VPP] [Knights of the Round Table] [ASB]

“For ten years I chased Suicune, and I finally got to see it. I'm all choked up!”

Last edited by Gold Rush; 06-08-2007 at 05:50 PM.
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  #2  
Old 06-06-2007, 07:34 PM
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Default Re: Staring Death In The Face {PG 13}


“Jeff!!” The nurse yelled crying. “Run and get his mother”

Jeff nodded and ran to Adam’s house. The Police Officers were big and burly. They looked as if they too were about to cry. They took of their hats and put it across their chest while praying for the young man.

Jeff arrived at Adam’s house and yelled “ Oh my god, misses Walker!! Adam’s been shot!!”

“What? Calm down Jeff” She said. “Take me to him”

“They’re putting him on the stretcher now” Jeff said getting teary eyed.

“Let’s get in the car and go to the hospital,” She said trying to keep herself calm.

They went and got in the Lamborghini Golado. The car had gray seats and a CD player with one of Adam’s CDs playing.

“Adam always did hate this car because it was purple” Mrs. Walker said trying to smile. “Now he may never see it again” She broke down and started to cry. “Who did this Jeff? Who was it!?” She yelled at him bawling.

“Adam said that the guys name was George Evans” Jeff said.

Mrs. Walker’ mouth dropped open. “George Evans? Are you sure Jeff?” She asked not knowing what was going on.

“Yes, ma’am that’s exactly what Adam said before he was shot” Jeff said wondering what the big deal about George Evans was.
“I’ll tell you all about it when we get to the hospital” She said trying to get rid of tears in her eyes.

The rest of the car ride was silence………nothing but silence. As they pulled into the hospital, they saw a Nurse outside waiting. The Nurse looked exactly like the woman at the Radio Tower.

“How is he?” Mrs. Atkins asked the nurse very worried.

“Come with me” The nurse said.

We walked into the hospital and we heard a lot of people talking and voices over the intercom calling doctors to wherever they need to be. There was a woman behind the counter with Olive skin and Black hair, Jeff and Mrs. Walker went up and talked to her to find about Adam.

“How’s my son!?” Mrs. Walker yelled to the woman.

“I’m sorry, but he has stopped breathing and the doctors are trying to revive him right now” The nurse said with a saddened look on her face.

Mrs. Atkins slammed her fist on the counter and started to cry. Jeff lead her over to the waiting room so that they could wait to find out about Adam.

“I’m sure he’ll make it Mrs. Walker” Jeff said trying to help Mrs. Walker through this. “Adam’s a tough kid.”

“Jeff, I know that” Mrs. Walker said trying to get rid of her tears. “Now I will tell you why Adam went after that guy, that guy, George killed Adam's father.” She said starting to cry again. “He murdered Adam's father Jeff, he killed him” She started crying really hard again. “He was trying to get back at Adam for humiliating him in a game of basketball at the school yard”

“Oh, no wonder Adam went after him” Jeff said showing remorse for Mrs. Atkins. “Now I wish I wouldn’t have held him back, but I thought he was a police officer” Jeff said starting to cry again.

“Mrs. Walker” said the nurse at the counter. “We have news about your son”

Jeff and Mrs. Walker walked back to Adam’s room. They could here “Beep……..Beep……….Beep” which means that he is still alive but is asleep. Mrs. Walker walked over and kissed Adam on the forehead.

“Mom,” Adam muttered

“Ssshhhhhhh Adam don’t talk” she told him putting her finger on his lips. “You, need to get your rest”.

They walked out of his room, happy, knowing that Adam is alive. Jeff vowed that he would stay with his friend as long as he could until he got well again. Jeff and Mrs. Walker walked to the car and she took him home. Another silent car ride. When they reached Jeff’s house Jeff told his parents of the news and went to his room. That night he couldn’t sleep………

“What if I wouldn’t have held him back?” he thought to himself in his bed. “What if? What if? What if?”

Jeff spent every day with Adam. Watching sports. Talking about Pokemon. Talking about that day. Then one day while Jeff and Adam were talking it came up………

“That jerk really killed your father?” Jeff said then turning away after he said it.

Adam turned to Jeff surprised “Who told you that!?” Adam yelled softly at Jeff with rages in his eyes.

Jeff gulped, “Your mom.”

“I never wanted to think about that again!!” Adam was yelling now so enraged over his fathers death.

“I’m sorry Adam” Jeff said.

Adam sighed, “I’m sorry too Jeff, I shouldn’t get mad at you for asking. You know why he is not in jail” Adam asked.

“No,” Jeff replied.

“Because he was 17 when he did it” Adam started to break down and cry, “Not 18.”

Jeff was puzzled. He turned the channel on the T.V. hoping that the subject would end.

“So he just got off on probation” Adam said through the tears.

The nurse walked in and told Jeff that visiting hours were over. Adam and Jeff said there goodbyes as Jeff walked home. He stopped by the site where the fight had occurred and saw someone in shadows, then a person ran. Jeff took off after him, running as hard as he could. He knew it was George. He recognized the person’s build. George had a huge head start Jeff was running his hardest to get to him. They ran for about a hundred yards. Then he ran into a dead end near the Bike Shop. Jeff pounced on him, he started punching him and pounding his head against the ground.

“You…….Horrible ………you shot my friend!!!” Jeff yelled while still beating the hell out of George.

Jeff was taking care of Adam’s Pokemon while Adam was in the hospital. So he let out Adam’s prize Pokemon who sat right on top of George while Jeff called the Police.

“Yes, Officer I have just caught the guy the shot Salemence Master Walker” Jeff said trying to talk fast before Adam’s Snorlax woke up.

Jeff sat next to Snorlax and George mocking George the whole time. Snorlax kept rolling over causing George more pain.

“How does 2 tons of Pokemon feel your jerk!?” Jeff yelled at George.

Jeff started to hear sirens and he knew the police were hear.

“Yea, the Police are hear you aren’t going to get off on probation this time you a goner” Jeff said still mocking George.

The police came over taking out their silver handcuffs while Jeff recalled Snorlax. The police carried the bleeding criminal away and put him in the police car. Jeff gave George the crossed look before he was carried away.

“Adam will be happy to hear about this” Jeff said as he smiled.

Jeff ran to the hospital as hard as he could. The nurse stopped him at the door.

“Sorry, visiting hours are over” The nurse said.

“I don’t care I got to see Adam!” Jeff said running through the halls to Adam’s room. “Adam!”

“Adam!” Jeff yelled as he got into the room panting.

“Jeff what the hell are you doing” Adam said surprised.

“Adam I did it!! I did it!!” Jeff yelled at Adam shaking him.

“Man, what the hell did you do and remember I just had a bullet removed from my chest so quit shaking me, idiot” Adam said laughing.

“Sorry, Adam” Jeff said. “I caught George!” Jeff yelled about to shake Adam again, but thought better of it.

“You what!?” Adam said sitting up but the going back down in pain.

“I caught him with the help of your Snorlax” Jeff said smiling.

“Oh, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You” Adam said.

A week went by and Adam was finally out of the hospital. Adam and Jeff went for another walk this time to the Pokemart. The Pokemart was gigantic inside and out. The walls were covered with Pokemon merchandise, Super Potions, Pokeball’s everything that a Pokemon trainer needs to become great.

“Hey, Harry” Adam said to one of the many cashiers at the Pokemart. “I would like 5 Pokeballs and a Super Potion please, oh yeah and an Ultra Ball” Adam said smiling.

“Here you go Adam” Harry smiled. “I’m sure you’ll have an interesting time with them” Harry winked and gave Adam the items.

Adam slowly ambled out of the Pokemart with his new Items. While talking to Jeff. Adam stopped and took of his bag from his back and tucked his newly obtained Items.
__________________

[URPG] [VPP] [Knights of the Round Table] [ASB]

“For ten years I chased Suicune, and I finally got to see it. I'm all choked up!”

Last edited by Gold Rush; 06-09-2007 at 07:52 AM.
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  #3  
Old 06-06-2007, 07:36 PM
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Default Re: Staring Death In The Face {PG 13}

Adam and John walked into the sunset talking happily. Suddenly the saw a figure running past them. They squinted at the shadow and tried to make a figure out of it They were too far too see it properly and soon they didn’t care about it. Adam and Jeff walked over to Adam’s house to tell his mother the good news. Adam slowly pushed the squeaky door carefully and crept into the house. Adam crawled into the kitchen were he saw his mum. Adam crept behind the wooden chair she was sitting on and pounced on her shoulders. Mrs Walker jump and screamed in fright. She grabbed the broom in front of her and used it as a weapon. She swivelled round and saw Adam and Jeff laughing there heads off. She stared at Adam and laughed along with them. She ran too him and hugged him tightly.

“Your back, why didn’t the doctors inform that you were ok?, well who cares your back” Said Mrs Walker happily.

She was overjoyed to see her son back, but soon he left home again. They left for one of their friends houses.

They walked on the golden road all the way Balls house it was a Small, rectangular house with a yellow roof and an orange door. They knocked on the door and Ball, wearing a T-Shirt with all the Eevee Evolutions on it. He ran his hand through his slick Red Hair.

“Hey Adam” Ball said smiling.

“Hey Ball this is Jeff, a good friend of mine” Adam said as him and Jeff walked into the small house that was pretty much just all brown. It was nicely kept because Balls mom was a neat freak.

“Hey” Jeff said shyly, looking at the floor.

They walked into the house and Ball opened a trap door that takes you down to the basement. Jeff’s eyes flew open in surprise. Adam looked back at Jeff and winked. They walked down the steps into Balls own little lounge. The place was filled with computers. Adam and Jeff saw six Pokeballs lying on the couch. Ball sat down on the computer and let his fingers flow on to the keys. An Umbreon popped up on the screen.

“This is my favourite Pokemon of all time” Ball said.

Jeff smirked “That weakling?”

Ball stood up “That weakling has won me that all city finals three years in a row.”

“Adam and I also weren’t in it now were we?” Jeff said mocking Ball.

“Ok! That’s it!” Ball said pressing a button

The floor turned into a Pokemon stadium.

“Jeff I challenge you to a battle!! One on One” Ball said picking up a Pokeball on the couch.

“Sure ………Ball……..You sound very excited to lose” Jeff said pulling out a Pokeball.

“Go Garchomp, did I forget to mention that I used to be the Viridian City Gym Leader?!” Said Jeff Smirking

Garchomp popped out of its Pokeball. It looked just like a Sandy monster it stood high and tall over the stadium.

Ball laughed hysterically, “Don’t you know anything about type advantages?” Ball laughed and threw out his Pokeball “Go Umbreon!!” Ball yelled as something that looks just like a black cat with yellow stripes.

“Yes, I do” Jeff said. “Garchomp, Brick Break!” Jeff yelled.

Garchomp clenched his fists and fired three powerful punches making Umbreon fall to his feet.

“Yea, eat it” Jeff said laughing.

"Umbreon use Faint Attack" Ball roared

Umbreon disappeared and landed right in front of Garchomp, Garchomp looked as if it didn’t feel anything.

“Heh, what a puny attack” Jeff said laughing at Balls bad attempt to kill Aggron.

“Don’t you think about type advantages?” Laughed Jeff.

“Garchomp! Use Earthquake!!” Jeff yelled.

Umbreon felt the shock. Ball was shocked at the power of Garchomp. All of the sudden a huge crash was heard upstairs. Adam, Jeff, and Ball ran up stairs, to find the house a mess and two people running out of the door.

“Man, how many chases do I have to go on” Jeff said as he took off running out the door.

Adam and Bill followed him all the way. Then Adam thought of something.

“You know Jeff there is an easy way to do this” Adam said as he threw a Pokeball on to the ground.

A Dodrio popped out. An Odd bird with three heads that can run faster then it can fly. Adam hopped on the Dodrio and they were off. Adam soon passed Jeff, Jeff threw his own Pokeball onto the ground. It was a Charizard. Charizard shot flames out of its mouth.

“Ok, Charizard let’s GO!” Jeff said as he go on top of Charizard

Charizard flew to the sky with Jeff on his back. Adam was wondering why Jeff used Charizard just to catch a few idiots like 100 feet away. Dodrio caught up to the crooks, Adam saw they were wearing masks and all black.

“Good thing it’s not time, we’d never see these idiots” Adam said to himself.

Adam knew it was time. He jumped off of Dodrio onto one of the crooks. The other one just kept running.

“Dodrio!” Adam shouted as he held one of the burglars down. “Go get the other one!”

Dodrio squawked and nodded its heads in understanding. It took off running bobbing its three heads trying to catch the robbers. Dodrio got to him…….he pecked him three times and he was down. The burglar kicked Dodrio and ran into the shadows.

“Jeff, bring Charizard down and land on him!” Adam yelled to Jeff who was still high in the sky on Charizard.

Jeff agreed. Charizard swooped down and landed on right on the downed man. Charizard was too nice and sat down as easily as possible. The man screamed extremely loud.

“Good job Charizard and Dodrio, It‘s ok don‘t worry!” Adam and Jeff screamed together.

Five minutes later Ball walked up with a Policemen.

“Ball, finally, it took you long enough” Adam said, laughing.

Ball laughed and said, “Well I wasn’t riding on a Pokemon now was I?”

Adam laughed. The officer arrested both men. Charizard wasn’t very happy about getting up so Jeff had to recall him before he burnt all of Goldenrod down. The officer handed Ball a Pokeball.

“This is apparently what they stole” The officer said shrugging his shoulders.

Ball looked at it in shock and said, “My…My….My…Drifloon!”

Adam’s eyes got big, “You have a Drifloon!?

“Yea” Ball said like it was obvious. “I’ll show you where I caught it too.”

“Really?” Adam said anxiously.

“Yea, come with me.” Replied Ball

Adam, Ball, and Jeff walked back past Balls house into a small patch of woods.

“How did they get back here?” Adam asked.

“Well, they were loaded into the Goldenrod Game Corner and they just escaped” Ball replied walking slowly through the woods. “They’ve been looking for them but can’t find them, and we’re the only ones that know about them.”

Adam looked up through the beautiful woods and thought about his father. His father used to take him back here as a child to camp and go hunting. He loved how the trees looked as if they were dancing. The leaves were falling off but there were still some leaves left to make it beautiful.

Ball pulled out a whistle that made this huge annoying sound. It was so loud it could shatter glass in Blackthorn City.

“Aw, dude why’d you do that?” Adam asked Ball covering his ears.

“It’s a whistle that brings all Ghost type pokemon to you.”

Jeff looked at Ball like he was crazy and said, “It better work”

“Jeff, trust me, it will work.”

Jeff snorted and rolled his eyes. Ball continued to blow that blasted whistle. Balls face was starting to turn red because he had been blowing so long.

“Yea, it really works” Jeff said as bent down to pick a stick up off of the ground.

Ball was starting to get discouraged, he threw the whistle down in disgust.

“Loon, Loon, Loon!” Ball yelled.

“What is that?” Asked Adam

“It’s a Drifloon call” Replied Ball

“Just as stupid as that stupid whistle” Replied Jeff

“Jeff and Bill would you two idiots quit arguing” Adam said stepping in before it turned into an all out fight.

“No Adam, this idiot obviously doesn’t know what he’s talking about” Jeff said moving closer to Ball.

“Stupid!? I created the Pokemon Storage Box!” Ball yelled at Jeff.

“Yea which Lannette improved greatly” Jeff said knowing he was annoying the hell out of Ball.

“Hey, shut up,” Adam said pointing at a bush.

“What is it Adam?” Jeff asked Adam.

Suddenly a balloon appeared from the bushes.

“Just a stupid purple balloon” Said Jeff discouraged

Adam stared as a leg came from the balloon.

“No,…..No….,No It’s a Drifloon” yelled Adam

“This is mine!” Adam yelled reaching down to his Pokeball Belt.

Adam threw a Pokeball to the ground and yelled, “Go Gengar!”

Gengar popped out of its Pokeball, then it disappeared. Then it reappeared and it got its game face on ready to battle. It grinned widely.

“Ok, Gengar use your almighty Shadow Ball attack” Yelled Adam

Gengar started to focus; it put one hand just above the other, smiling. A black ball formed into his hands. He reared back, then he threw the Ghostly ball at Drifloon.

Drifloon ducked down dodging the blackened ball. The balloon Pokemon swayed in the wind and suddenly used Imprison. Gengar dodged the imprisoning blow. Adam leapt out of the way. Then the attack fell to Adam’s friends. Suddenly they couldn’t move.

Adam was focused. He had to save his friends.
__________________

[URPG] [VPP] [Knights of the Round Table] [ASB]

“For ten years I chased Suicune, and I finally got to see it. I'm all choked up!”

Last edited by Gold Rush; 06-09-2007 at 08:01 AM.
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  #4  
Old 06-06-2007, 07:38 PM
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Default Re: Staring Death In The Face {PG 13}

Adam stared at Drifloon. Suddenly a crook leapt out of the bushes. He grabbed Drifloon and ran away with the balloon Pokemon in his arm’s. He grabbed a small looking cage and squashed Drifloon into the cage. The crook ran as fast as he could. Adam chased him with all of his might. Ball and Jeff joined him and the all chased after the crook. Adam Shot out his Pokeball to the ground and the huge bird Pokemon flew out. Adam, Jeff and Ball leapt onto the back of the three headed bird Pokemon and rode speedily. Soon they caught up with the crook, but Dodrio couldn’t stop or he would lose his speed. Adam stood on Dodrio. Adam was ready to jump on the running crook. Adam leapt in the air and grabbed the crook by the neck. Adam fell to the floor with the crook. The crook had a black T-shirt with a huge R in the middle. He wore a black hat and silver boots. He crawled off Adam but he was cornered by Jeff and Ball. Adam got up and rubbed his head.

“Give that Drifloon back,” Ordered Adam

“Make me” Replied the crook.

“I will, Goooooooooo Gengar” Yelled Adam

“Lets Go Ariados” Ordered the crook.

Ariados, the Spider Pokémon. This Pokémon weaves webs in order to catch its prey. Its bite and sting are extremely poisonous.” Adam’s Pokedex recited.

The Spider Pokémon hissed.

“Adam I figured it out, He’s a member of team rocket, He’s a grunt” Said Ball

“Ariados, get ‘em with a Poison Sting!” the Rocket instructed.

Ariados moved slowly toward Gengar, its sharp fangs shone in the sun.

“Gengar, use a Psychic!” Adam said.

Gengar jumped from its feet and leapt at Ariados, however the Spider Pokémon dodged easily and went to bite Gengar.

“Gengar, look out!” Sarah yelled. Gengar quickly dodged backwards, just missing out on getting a nasty bite.

The Ariados and its trainer looked angry now. Ariados clicked its fangs together viciously.

“Ariados, use Mean Look!” As the Rocket barked his orders.

Ariados reared up on its hind legs, then looked deep into Gengar’s eyes, shooting a twisted glance toward it. Gengar growled angrily but the fear was clear in its eyes, but It was rooted to the spot and Adam wasn’t able to switch to another Pokemon.

“Gengar try Hypnosis!” Adam called out.

Gengar grinned. He put his arms forward and

“Ariados, Toxic.” The Rocket grunted, pointing a finger at Gengar.

Ariados stared at Gengar and then fired dangerous poison. Gengar speedily dodged the weak attack, then attacked the spider Pokemon with a hypnotic glance. Ariados was mesmerised in the hypnotising ray. Ariados fell to the floor. Light snores came out of the Pokemon’s mouth.

Adam grinned widely.

“Ok Gengar we have the upper hand how about Nightmare we can have more of a chance to win” Adam asked happily

Gengar used a spooky Nightmare the Ariados was not strong enough to survive Ariados looked as it had fainted. Ariados looked weak. The rocket recalled Ariados and ran leaving Drifloon behind. Jeff was about to chase after it but Ball told him to forget about it.

Drifloon burst out of the cage. Drifloon watched the figure until he was out of sight, then turned its attention to Gengar, unsure of whether to flee or fight.

Adam stiffened, now was her chance to capture the Drifloon. He clenched her fists. He recalled Gengar.

“Goooooooooo Horsea” Adam Yelled

Drifloon stepped forward and confronted Horsea.

But, Drifloon had already gotten too close before Horsea could move. Drifloon hit the sea horse Pokemon head on with a Shadowball. Horsea flew back and the Drifloon just drifted over top of it, and kept going. It was trying to make a get away!

"I don't think so!" Adam shouted as he threw another Pokeball, "Bulbasaur, use Vine Whip, and bring it back!"

Bulbasaur shot its beautiful, green vines out of the bulb on the top of it's head. It wrapped around Drifloon while it was still drifting, and pulled it back. Drifloon was so angry now, Drifloon was not going to run, it was going to stay and fight. Drifloon jumped up into the air and used a big Body Slam on Bulbasaur.

"Bulbasaur, return, let Horsea handle this," Adam said as the red beam came out of the Pokeball and took the angry and hurt Bulbasaur back in. "Horsea, use Hydro Pump!"

Horsea brought back it's huge tail, which started to glow, and then smacked Drifloon with two powerful blasts of water. Drifloon was pushed to a nearby tree. The branch broke and cracked while falling to the floor. The small balloon Pokemon fired a Ghostly black blob by the name of Shadowball. The black blob hit Horsea. The sea horse Pokemon curled over and skidded on the floor.

"Horsea, use your Dragon Dance!" Adam Ordered

Horsea's flippers flapped, and he opened his mouth wide as he could. The sky started to blacken. A ray of light shone from the heavens and pointed at Horsea. He felt stronger and he was. He was much stronger his Special Attack and his Speed stats were raised. Horsea danced in happiness. Suddenly his parade was ruined when Drifloon fired a Ghostly Shadowball knocking the sea horse Pokemon off his tail.

"Horseeeeeaaaaa." Replied Horse unhappily.

Drifloon got up slowly, but it got up. It used Recover again, healing itself once again.

"God! I hate that!" Adam screamed.

Adam threw out Bulbasaur again. Bulbasaur was still very angry from earlier.

"Use, Vine Whip and throw it!" Adam Yelled

Bulbasaur shot it's whips out again, wrapping around Drifloon, this time, throwing it into a tree. Drifloon stood up, but, walking a little erratically.

Bulbasaur started to wrap it's vines around Drifloon's neck, squeezing as hard as he could.

"Bulbasaur, No!" Adam shouted. "You can't kill it, pull back!"

Bulbasaur let loose with a sad look in its eyes again.

“Ok Bulbasaur try a Solar Beam” Asked Adam

Bulbasaur charged up his power and waited until it was ready. He absorbed the sunlight slowly. It was slow and Drifloon could make an attack. Drifloon concentrated and then attacked with Thunder Bolt. Adam was surprised by Drifloon. Thunder Bolt was a TM. It must have found the item lying around. Luckily Bulbasaur was tough and he was a grass type so it didn’t effect him much.

“Ok Bulbasaur now release your Solar Beam lets take him out” Asked Adam

Bulbasaur released out it’s super powerful beam of light. The power of the sun reflected off the beam and hit Drifloon hard. The balloon Pokemon fell to the floor. He looked squashed. He looked extremely weak when suddenly he used Recover. He recovered half of his HP and was ready to rumble once again.

“Ok Bulbasaur it’s up and running again try a Razor Leaf, I know we have a type disadvantage but we have to try our best, is that ok?” Asked Adam

Bulbasaur nodded in agreement. His bulb started to grow. The leafs sharpened and then flew over to Drifloon. They were sharpened and were extremely strong. The attack hit Drifloon, who fell to the huge oak tree behind him. Drifloon slowly got up, and used Ominous Wind, a mysterious wind blew from the forest. The dark wind was mysterious until it hit Bulbasaur. The grass Pokemon fell to the floor and looked as it had fainted. All of Drifloon’s stats rose. He became stronger and harder to knock out.

“Ok I am not going to take this anymore!, lets go Houndour” Yelled Adam

Adam threw the red and white Pokeball to the ground. The ball cracked open in half and released a red glow witch formed into Houndour.

“Ok Let’s do this Houndour start of with Nasty Plot” Adam Ordered.

Houndour thought of devious and sly things in his head. His Special Attack stat grew by two level’s. Adam grinned as he got the stat boost and grew stronger. Drifloon frowned as he saw Houndour grow stronger. Drifloon was angry about this stat boost so he used Disable. The attack stopped Houndour from using Nasty Plot again for quite a while.

“Ok Houndour don’t worry use Crunch” Yelled Adam.

Houndour nodded to his masters instructions and snarled at Drifloon. Houndour opened his jaws wide and then started biting Drifloon. The he started crunching the parts that were bitten. Luckily Houndour had a type advantage so the attack did double the damage than it would have done if he didn’t have a type advantage. Drifloon screeched in pain. He screamed out load as he was burning. Drifloon was in pain. Drifloon slowly had a glow around him, then small balls came from his back and he stopped screaming. Drifloon felt better and recharged. Drifloon was back up and running and he wasn’t going to be easily stopped.

“Ok this is going to be tougher than I thought and it will be unlikely that I will be able to do enough damage” Sighed Adam.

Suddenly Houndour started to glow, suddenly he turned white and started to grow, he slowly turned taller, he grew horns and a longer tail.

Adam stared in shock as Houndour evolved. It finally stopped glowing and it looked much taller and fiercer. Adam grabbed his Pokedex.

“If you are burned by the flames it shoots from its mouth, the pain will never go away.
Upon hearing its eerie howls, other Pokemon get the shivers and head straight back to their nests. The pungent-smelling flame that shoots from its mouth results from toxins burning in its body” Adams Pokedex Recited

Adam chuckled.

“Wahoo now we have a good chance of winning so lets do this thing Houndoom” Adam roared.

“Ok lets go with another Crunch” Roared Adam happily.

Houndoom howled in approval. Houndoom ran forward and bit Drifloon. Houndoom then crunched Drifloon again. Drifloon’s legs were crushed as they were crunched in Houndoom’s mouth. Drifloon fell to the floor in pain. Suddenly a mysterious wind blew from the end of the forest. Drifloon was uplifted from the ground. He was blown high. The mysterious hit Houndoom powerfully. Houndoom fell to the floor. He snarled at Drifloon. Houndoom slowly got up from the floor. He growled at Drifloon.

“Houndoom you won’t survive much longer try a Flame Thrower” Roared Adam

Houndoom roared at Drifloon. Houndoom ran up and then fired a fiery blast of fire. The line of fire flew out of Houndoom’s mouth and hit Drifloon’s body. The Pokemon was blasted to a tree trunk. Drifloon fell to the floor. His flimsy legs were bent. Drifloon looked ready to be captured.

“Yes c’mon Houndoom you did great ,now lets go Ultra Ball” Adam Roared.

A dam threw the yellow Pokeball at the fallen Drifloon. It was sucked up by a flashing light. Adam counted and waited patiently.

“One………..

Two………”

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Old 06-06-2007, 07:42 PM
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Default Re: Staring Death In The Face {PG 13}



For: Drifloon
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  #6  
Old 06-24-2007, 10:09 PM
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Default Re: Staring Death In The Face {PG 13}

I'm here, as Adam has waited a ridiculously long time to get this thing graded. As such, I will try and make this as short and to the point as possible.

Story: Well, it seems simple enough, but the story soon takes some very dark turns. I don't believe I've seen such brutality in the Pokemon universe, as with our hero getting shot and having to go to the hospital for an operation! Stories tend to be all sugary sweet with the Pokemon series, at least the majority of the ones I've seen, and this succeeded in being the complete opposite. It was almost upsetting, actually.

There are a few issues I have with this, mostly with the grammar and some of the realism, but I will get to those later in my grade. This was a surprise, though, so give yourself a cookie for thinking up something so original and frightening. It takes real skill to incorporate real-life events in stories, as some writers try to avoid such topics for fear of criticism - kids getting shot at is an especially strong subject. I recently read an article in a newspaper about the growing number of children getting shot at by guns in movies, which I suppose upsets many people; but that's life, even if it's an ugly truth.

I guess you can say I really like that you took something so controversial and added it to your tale, even if it was just because you thought it would be an interesting addition. Stories can be very powerful means of communication, and you never know just who you may affect with something of this subject... words have power when you infuse them with meaning.

As I said, there were things that could be fixed here and there, but I feel you deserve credit for taking a risk. Next time, maybe you can elaborate on how such an event changed the characters and the people around them. While I think it was handled pretty well, I didn't see much emotion from Adam regarding the fact that he was shot... you think he would be wary of the outside world, and maybe depressed for months. In any case, good work with getting this across in the first place. I try to avoid such miserable topics with stories here, but you tackled one head-on.

That was a bit much, I'm afraid... hopefully, you understand what I'm trying to say. =P

Spelling/Grammar: To be honest, you could use plenty of work here. I'll just select the basics for now.

Quote:
Pidgey’s flew across the orange sky. The quite breeze blew past calmingly. Pokemon played happily with there Trainers and there were smiles on everyone’s faces.
There are a couple things wrong with this one, so here we go...

First, your comma usage when it comes to characters and Pokemon is usually incorrect. In the opening sentence, you have 'Pidgey's', which indicates here that something belongs to it, which is incorrect. However, when you are saying something along the lines of, "Pidgey's wing is broken!" THEN you use the form that is done here. When just referring to a group of them, you just add an 's', no commas or anything...

In the second sentence, you just spelled 'quiet' wrong, so no big deal there. Finally, in the last sentence I have listed, you use the wrong form of 'there'.

There --> referring to a place - "There's something in the bushes over there."
Their --> referring to a person, something belonging to them, and so on - "I wish I could read their minds."

Guess which one you have to use. Anyway, keep those in mind for future reference.

Quote:
Adam Shot out his Pokeball to the ground and the huge bird Pokemon flew out.
You randomly capitalized 'shot' for some reason, and you also did that with a few other words throughout the story. You only need to capitalize people, places, things (Pokemon items in this case), and nothing more. Watch out for them.

Quote:
Gengar grinned. He put his arms forward and
Um... what happens next? Even if that's where it ends, it should be indicated by at least a '...' or something, or it's just plain confusing. Always end your sentences, even if it's something like this or dialogue.

Quote:
"Umbreon, use Faint Attack!" Ball roared.
Of course, you have to end the sentence here. You also need a comma after 'Umbreon', as someone would normally take a pause there if they were to actually speak these. You do this sometimes, and you forget to with other pieces of dialogue and the like, but you also have to end the dialogue - either with a comma, period, whatever. I bolded my corrections for you. :)

Quote:
Garchomp popped out of its Pokeball. It looked just like a Sandy monster it stood high and tall over the stadium.
Again, 'sandy' is randomly capitalized. I also don't think this is a great description for Garchomp at all. It resembles a dragon and a shark, and it's also several different colors, so you could have told us that... 'sandy monster' just makes me think of some giant blob of sand, and that's not what it looks like at all.

Quote:
“Ok, I am not going to take this anymore!, Let's go Houndour!” Yelled Adam.
As I said, end the dialogue and the sentence somehow... you also put a random comma after the first exclamation mark, which is extremely unnecessary. Any word after a period or anything else that ends a sentence also needs to be capitalized ('Let's' in this case). You might also want to spell out 'okay' in the future, although that's just a preference of mine.

Quote:
“You're back, why didn’t the doctors inform (us) that you were ok? Well, who cares, you're back,” said Mrs. Walker happily.
This little gem was probably the messiest sentence in the entire story, and I found it in the second post if you want to go hunting for it. Instead of yelling at you, I made my corrections in bold. I will tell you the difference between 'your' and 'you're', since you used them incorrectly, though.

Your --> possessive - "I'm packing up your things."
You're --> contraction for 'you are' - "You're the laziest person I've ever met!"

Random capitalizations, occasional spelling errors (start using MS Word or get someone to help you), messy dialogue with incorrect grammar abound, comma usage... needless to say, you will need to improve on your grammar and spelling the most. =/

Length: I'm tempted to say Drifloon needs more, especially with some of the grammar errors and the like, but I guess this is fine for the most part.

Detail/Description: Okay, I'm going to be blunt here... someone who gets shot, no matter in what area, won't be walking around and be all energetic within the same day, much less a week or so. Besides grammar issues, that bothered me the most. It was more than a little bizarre seeing Adam up and about a few paragraphs after the incident, laughing and participating in Pokemon battles after getting shot in the chest. Although this is fictional, I can assure you that's still impossible. Adam would probably be in a hospital bed for months before being diagnosed as healthy once again, and a bullet wound isn't just something that can heal itself automatically. Really, this could have been a good opportunity for you to describe things as they progressed during this time - maybe he dreams of something while he's in the hospital, and wakes up a few weeks later surrounded by friends and family. I guess that's grossly typical of movies and such, but it would have worked better than this, in my opinion. Although realism shouldn't play a huge part in Pokemon stories, as they're largely fictional, the idea of someone being "okay" after being shot is a little ridiculous... maybe Pokemon could play a role in the healing process (something like Chansey, or ones like that), but I don't think they'd be able to completely heal a bullet wound in just a few short hours.

Other than that, you could have fleshed out many parts of your story, too, including the dialogue. You usually just typed out what someone would say without telling us what expressions they had or HOW they said it, which should be done every now and then, in my opinion.

Otherwise, make sure and tell us how characters, Pokemon, and settings look like, even if it's just by two or three sentences. Keep trying harder with this section.

Battle: You had many basics attack Drifloon, which made for a varied and interesting battle. Besides all the grammar mistakes, I thought this wasn't too bad... I don't remember the balloon being able to learn Recover, though.

Normally, I would make something like this a failed capture due to all the mistakes, but I have to learn to lighten up, this isn't a Lucario or anything, and you waited a long time for this to get graded, so...

Outcome: Drifloon Captured! - Improve on grammar and spelling, details, and maybe realism.
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  #7  
Old 06-25-2007, 08:02 PM
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Default Re: Staring Death In The Face {PG 13}

Thanks Megumi for grading my story, I'll try harder and make a differenece about my Grammer and also I mistaked recover for Stock pile and swallow...

Also I'll take reality to a bit more care even though my next story has no realism XD.

Nice Long Grade btw
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Old 06-25-2007, 08:33 PM
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Default Re: Staring Death In The Face {PG 13}

Quote:
Originally Posted by Adam 230 View Post
Thanks Megumi for grading my story, I'll try harder and make a differenece about my Grammer and also I mistaked recover for Stock pile and swallow...

Also I'll take reality to a bit more care even though my next story has no realism XD.

Nice Long Grade btw
Yes, the grade killed me.

If you're referring to your Twilight Princess story, just have fun with it... I loved that game.
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Old 10-17-2008, 05:27 PM
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Default Re: Staring Death In The Face {PG 13}

I'm going to carry on with this story because it turned out quite sucessfull-ish

A Chopping Disaster

Adam picked up the Pokeball of the captured Drifloon and stared and it for a while until his brain told him that he had succeeded. Adam was a young fifteen year old. Adam had Curly Brown hair with brown eyes, and was wearing a blue shirt, and blue jeans trousers. Adam did not like to be messed with, he had had a rough childhood, his father died a few years ago.

Adam gripped the Pokeball and felt it’s smoothness. He stared at the red and white ball amazed at what he had done .Then Adam shouted "Jeff, I actually caught it Now I have some more Pokemon."

Adam smiled as he put his last Pokemon on his belt, then he jumped for joy. Adam raced to the Pokemon centre extremely pleased with himself with Jeff following behind him. Adam ran towards Nurse Joy with a huge grin on his face and gave her the Pokeball and he asked
“Can I heal my Drifloon please” Adam asked with pride. He handed her the red and white ball cheerily. Nurse Joy slowly took the ball and slowly and gently placed it onto the healing machine after a few seconds she returned it without saying anything. “Hello Nurse Joy?” Adam asked worried.

“Huh?” She replied confused.

“You didn’t say your normal, things you say” Adam asked

“Oh well does it matter?” She asked.

“I guess not” Adam said shrugging.

Adam turned round to talk to Jeff when he noticed he was gone. Adam looked around the pokemon center and all he coould see were the Pokeball sighns on the white wall, and trainers with their Pokemon happily playing togethor. Adam put Drifloon on his belt and chased after Jeff looking for him. Adam looked right then he looked left but Jeff had disappeared. Adam ran forward looking for everybody that even slightly resembled to Jeff, but he was gone. He ran to Jeff’s house and nobody was there either. Adam looked around thinking to himself, then suddenly he heard screams of pain from a young woman. Adam darted towards the cry as he was sprinting he heard that the screaming had stopped and heard some quiet sobbing. He couldn’t hear it very well, but now he was close enough to pinpoint where it was. Adam turned sharply as he cut the air surrounding him like a knife through butter until he could see the small girl who was crying. Adam slowly walked towards her being carefull not to frighten her. She was crying very hard and the tears were flowing down her face like a waterfall.

“What’s wrong?” Adam asked gently trying not to upset the girl

“They, stole her, they……………they” She said before bursting out to cry

“What did they steal?” Adam said, disgusted

“They stole my Pokemon, it was a Bonsly” She said trying to wipe of the tears from his face

Adam ran forwards leaping over the cracks and trying to avoid the mud. This was a one way alleyway so there was nowhere else for the theif to run off to. He loocked left at the wrecked walls and the cracks through the poor brickwork. The brown walls loocked as if they were about to collapse and he was disgusted.

“eeeeeew, I don’t want to get my trainers dirty” Adam said Chuckling

Adam starting picking up pace, as if he didn’t run fast enough he would destroy the world. Finally Adam could see some essence of the person that had taken the Pokemon, he could get close enough to see his shadow, but it was very faint due to the darkness of the alleyway. The bricks looked as if they were about to collapse and the floor looked like it had harvested germs many times, but Adam didn’t care anymore. He ran through a long paddle while the water was splashing behind him. Adam had finally reached a straight where he could see the figure of the criminal. Adam carried on sprinting until he had reached a dead end and he had the criminal all to himself.

“Why did you do it?” Adam asked
He replied “Why shouldn’t I do it?”
Adam grabbed a Ball from his belt, but then he froze he saw that the thief had a broken bottle of wine by his hand and he smacked it towards the skip on the right of him until half the bottle had shattered and shards of glass. He smacked the smoother end of the bottle up and down from his hand and slowly moved forward. Adam stepped back in fear because he knew what he was about to do but fear stopped him from moving

“No, don’t try it I will use my Drifloon to get you” Adam said trembling.

By the time Adam had reacted fast enough to get the ball ready to be thrown, the thief had already smashed Adam’s head with the bottle enough to knock him out and leave his head bleeding.

The next day Adam woke up in Hospital, he was bewildered why he was there until he touched his head then everything had come back to him, he had tried to stop the thief and was beaten up. Next to him was his mother holding his Pokebelt, Adam groaned and asked where Jeff was.

“He hasn’t been here at all, now you just rest up and calm down he will be here soon enough.”


A week later after he was able to take the bandage of Adam left the Hospital in search of Jeff, who apparently hasn’t been around for over a week. Adam visited Jeff’s house next to the Game corner and knocked on the door and waited for a while but there was no answer. Adam looked for his Ultra Ball in his belt, but he could not see it.

“Damn, he stole it, the guy stole my Drifloon” Adam said angrily

Then with all of his rage Adam rugby tackled the door open to reveal Jeff’s house but with no-one there, as a matter of fact no-one had been there for about a week or so. Then Adam saw a note stuck to the fridge. Adam stepped towards it thinking what was written on it. Adam slowly peeled it off and started reading.
He read it carefully “Gone to become the greatest Trainer in the world, going to the Hoenn region……..” It looked as if it had been rushed a lot
Adam pondered until he made up his decision to find Jeff and catch up to him before he had made the Hoenn region. Adam raced home grabbed a few accessories and ran back down on the way to get out of town. He nearly had made it to the outskirts of the town when he saw a Machop beating up a small child.

“Not again!” He said and he unwillingly ran towards the Pokemon
“Hey Machop leave that poor kid alone and face something your own size” Adam shouted
Without Hesitating he pulled out Houndour ready to fight this cruel beast
“I wish I had Drifloon, It would have been much easier:”

Houndour leapt out of the Pokeball and growled at Machop but he wasn’t afraid.
“Houndour use Flamethrower” Adam shouted
Hounder shot a Fiery beam across from it mouth that hit Machop hard but Machop fought it’s way through cutting the fire with a Karate Chop so it only went around him.
Then Machop ran forwards Houndour and Swung his fist down like a Hammer and then smashed it on Houndour as hard as he could, Houndour nearly collapsed, but his toughness kept him up.
Houndour panted as Adam sent his instructions
“Houndour use Sunny Day”
Adam smiled as Machop looked up into the sun as the clouds rolled away revealing the shining sun into Machop’s eyes.
Adam Chuckled as Machop’s attention had gone to the sun and while Machop was glaring at the suns rays Adam ordered “Houndour use Flamethrower”
By the time Adam had finished his order Machop eyes were closed from the light and The Flamethrower was shot from Houndours mouth like a cannon through the air hitting Mahcop full on and flinging him towards the Goldenrod gate.
“Houndour use quick attack” Adam roared
But by the time Houndour had reached Machop, it was up and In the split second Houndour reached Machop, he was smacked by a Karate Chop that hit Houndour at record speed and his speed from the quick attack just rebounded back at him. Houndour landed in Adams hands with his eyes curled up.
“Ohhhhhhh your not doing this again” Adam shouted in anger
“Goooooooo Horsea”
Horsea jumped out of it’s Pokeball with an array of bubbles around it.
“Horsea use Bublebeam” Adam ordered
Bubbles shot out of Horseas mouth and made a popping sound and caused pain to Machop each time he was hit with one. Machop finally reacted with both of his hands in a cross shape and smacked Horsea as hard as it could. Horsea held its ground and only moved backwards a little bit but Horsea held as much ground as it could.
“Horsea it’s getting Much weaker, stay up and use Dragon Pulse”
Horsea took a deep breath and shot a dark blue pulse at Machop, it charged towards it and it was unseeable until, the dragon pulse had disappeared. Machop had fallen flat on its back. Adam looked left and right and then tried to wake Machop up. It woke with a startle and got too it’s feet but Adam knew it could barely walk.
“It’s the right time now Go Pokeball” Adam yelled
He sent a Red and white ball to hit Machop and it sucked him Adam waited patiently and counted slowly…….one……………two………….





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Last edited by Gold Rush; 10-22-2008 at 07:21 PM.
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Old 10-17-2008, 08:05 PM
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Default Re: Staring Death In The Face {PG 13}

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Old 10-18-2008, 11:02 AM
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Default Re: Staring Death In The Face {PG 13}

Dibsing.

PLOT:

Adam has just captured his new Drifloon, and goes to the Pokémon Centre to heal it. After leaving, he notices his friend, Jeff, has left. He goes looking for him, then finds that a thief has stolen someone’s Bonsly. Adam runs after them, but gets his head smashed with a broken wine glass.

A week later, he leaves the hospital that he has recovered in, and goes to find Jeff again. He goes to Jeff’s house and reads a notice, saying that he has moved to the Hoenn region. Adam decides to follow him, but then sees a Machop beating up a little girl, so he sends out Houndour to defend her. Houndour then gets defeated, so Adam sends out Horsea.

A good plot, however, it seemed a little jumpy. For example, when Jeff had suddenly disappeared. Wouldn’t Adam have heard him go, or Nurse Joy would’ve seen them come in together, but then see Jeff leaving without saying anything, then asked Adam where Jeff was going.

Also, how did Adam know where the thief had gone? He just so happened to run the right way that the thief went, then saw the thief’s shadow. However, he couldn’t see the thief himself, so how did Adam know it wasn’t just any old shadow?

INTRODUCTION:

It is vital that, even though the other story is in the exact same thread, you still need to give a rough synopsis of what happened before. I haven’t read your other story, but did read through Megumi’s Grade, and got the gist of it. It seems Adam is prone to getting attacked and sent to hospital.

Anyway, as I said, make sure to include your other story in a quick sum-up if it continues on, even if it’s just two or three lines.

SPELLING/GRAMMAR:

You really need to work on this section a lot. Quite a few of the mistakes were similar to your other story. Here are some:

Quote:
“Jeff, I actually caught it now I have some more Pokemon.”
The sentence has a different meaning to what you most probably wanted him to say. The way you’ve put it (all as one sentence) means ‘I caught it because I had some more Pokémon’. However this example:

Quote:
I actually caught it. Now I have some more Pokémon.
Means ‘I caught it, and now I have some more Pokémon’. That full stop makes all the difference.

Quote:
Adam ran towards nurse joy
‘Nurse Joy’ is capitalised, because it’s:

a) A name
b) A noun related to Pokémon, and all nouns related to Pokémon are capitalised.

Quote:
and he asked
“Can I heal my Drifloon please” Adam asked with pride.
You already said that he asked before the speech, so you don’t need to say ‘Adam asked’ again.

Quote:
“Can I heal my Drifloon please” Adam asked with pride.
Nurse Joy slowly took the ball and slowly and gently placed it onto the healing machine after a few seconds she returned it without saying anything.
“Hello Nurse Joy?” Adam asked worried
“Huh?” She replied confused.
“You didn’t say your normal, things you say” Adam asked
“Oh well does it matter?” She asked.
“I guess not” Adam said shrugging.
Ew. Big paragraph. You need to not only put a line break every time a new person speaks, but a line in between as well, like this:

Quote:
“Can I heal my Drifloon please” Adam asked with pride. Nurse Joy slowly took the ball and slowly and gently placed it onto the healing machine after a few seconds she returned it without saying anything. “Hello Nurse Joy?” Adam asked worried.

“Huh?” She replied confused.

“You didn’t say your normal, things you say” Adam asked

“Oh well does it matter?” She asked.

“I guess not” Adam said shrugging.
You also repeated ‘slowly’ when Nurse Joy took the Pokeball and put it down onto the machine.

Quote:
He ran to Jeff’s house and Nobody was there either.
You still kept randomly capitalising things. Remember, only these five things get capitalised:

a) People names (John; Sally)
b) Place names (England; Berlin)
c) ‘I’ when talking about yourself
d) The first letter of the first word of a new sentence. (I couldn’t understand why. They’d always been my friend)
e) Anything Pokémon related. (Pikachu; Super Potion, Gym)

Quote:
“What did they steal?” Adam said disgusted
There should be a comma after ‘said’, since ‘disgusted’ is a bit that’s being added onto the sentence, and wouldn’t make sense on its own.

Quote:
Adam groaned and asked where Jeff was, he hasn’t been here at all, now you just rest up and calm down he will be here soon enough.
The comma after ‘was’ should be a full stop, and speech marks before ‘he’ and after ‘enough’.

Quote:
“Da**, he stole it, the guy stole my Drifloon”
‘Damn’ doesn’t need to be censored. Hard to believe, but I’ve seen worse in a Pokémon story. :x

Quote:
“Not again” He said and he unwillingly ran
There’s a rule to speech. ’66, Capital Letter, 1-of-4, 99’. That basically means two speech marks, a capital letter right after the speech marks, either a comma, full stop, exclamation mark, or question mark (depending on the circumstances), then two speech marks.

When ending speech, the 1-of-4 you choose depends on what comes next. If the dialogue is a question, ALWAYS end with a question mark. If the dialogue is not a question, but the character is shouting, or in some other way projecting their voice (e.g. the action afterwards is something along the lines of ‘he shouted. He screamed. He wailed’) then an exclamation mark would be best. If the action afterwards relates to the speech (e.g. he said. He complained. He cried) then it’s a comma. If it doesn’t (e.g. he stomped. He jumped. He ran) then it’s a full stop.

PM or IM me if you want examples for each rule, it’s a bit weird how I’ve explained it here.

Quote:
ant it was un seeable until,
I presume you meant ‘and’, not ‘ant’, and also ‘unseeable’ is one word.

Quote:
Machop had fallen flat on it’s back.
Whilst it is true that there is an apostrophe for possession, the exception to the rule is ‘its’.

So, yes, your main problems are not putting full stops, randomly capitalising letters, and paragraphing for speech. Remember, ALWAYS proof-read your work. If you still don’t feel comfortable, ask a family member or friend to read it as well. 9 times out of 10, they’ll catch mistakes you missed.

LENGTH:

Good.

DETAIL/DESCRIPTION:

So-so. You described attacks in battles, but that was it, really. You must explain Pokémon related things as well, even if we are on a Pokémon forum. Also, explain people as well.

When describing things, imagine as if you’re describing to a blind person. I give this advice out a lot, but trust me, it works! Also, ask someone who’s never seen the thing you’re describing, and ask them to maybe draw a picture of what they get in their heads from your description.

All these tips can work very well.

BATTLE:

I thought this was good. The fact that Horsea came in half-way through added in good variety, and you described most of the attacks sufficiently. My only problem is that it was a bit like the Gameboy. Houndour attacked, then Machop attacked. Bit boring, really. Spice up the moves by maybe letting Machop get a mega-whopper-combo in. Or something of the sort xP

OUTCOME:

Well, unfortunately, you need to step up your game a bit with all those Grammar errors. They didn’t seem to change from last time, and we really need you to maintain the status quo. I’m sorry, but for now, Machop NOT captured!

Please, don’t be disheartened! If you fix up those errors, and any others you can see, and also add in some description, I’ll re-grade this ^^ Also, anything extra you add into the story, please bold-face to make it easier for me to see what you've added. :)
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Last edited by -Pichu Boy-; 10-21-2008 at 08:30 PM.
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  #12  
Old 10-21-2008, 09:38 PM
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Default Re: Staring Death In The Face {PG 13}

I have checked it twice, got my sister to check it, fixed everything you told me to fix and added a bit of background info for Adam, I hope I do catch it this time D:
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  #13  
Old 10-22-2008, 06:01 PM
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Default Re: Staring Death In The Face {PG 13}

Re-Grade:

There are still some mistakes, and some new ones from when you added things.

Quote:
"Jeff, I actually caught it". "Now I have some more Pokemon."
It's the same person speaking, so keep it in the same quotation marks.

Quote:
and blue jean’s Trousers.
'Jeans' doesn't need an apostrophe, since you only use apostrophes when:

a) A letter is being ommitted (e.g does not = doesn't, can not = can't)
b) Something belongs to someone else. (e.g. Jack's hat, Sarah's top)

Also, 'trousers' shouldn't be capitalised.

For others, it's just the fact that I explained them, but you only changed the ones I gave examples for.

Also, the description is still sub-standard. You only added in description for Adam, which still left the others feeling bland.

Put a tiny little more effort in, and you can have him, but Machop NOT Captured! Undo the bolding of things youchanged last time, and bold face anything that becomes new.
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Old 10-22-2008, 07:22 PM
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Default Re: Staring Death In The Face {PG 13}

I'm really Disappointed in myself now......................
Anyway I added more detail and fixed some more Grammer errors............
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  #15  
Old 10-22-2008, 07:32 PM
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Default Re: Staring Death In The Face {PG 13}

Re-Grade:

Well, I can see that you want this a lot, and you've at least tried, so Machop Captured!

However, when I was saying 'add in detail and description' I meant also describe what characters LOOK like, not just what they're doing more. Describe Nurse Joy. Describe Houndour. Describe everyone. It doesn't have to be pages and pages of detail for each character, but at least give them a little realism.

Also, I'd suggest using Microsoft Word, or some other processor when writing stories. You made a few spelling mistakes, such as 'carefull' (careful), 'togethor' (together), and 'loocked' (looked).
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