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Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


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  #1  
Old 07-12-2007, 06:44 AM
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Default The Morals Behind a Murder [oneshot]

okay i have decided to try a oneshot, and it is written in a strange POV, 2nd person, i was inspired by Saffire Persian's "The Ties that Bond". Anyways, this is all new to me so i would REALLY appreciate any feedback, bad or good, and i hope you enjoy the story.......


The Morals Behind a Murder!




The soft, distant train whistle echoes around you, enticing a feeling within you to run. But you can’t, you must stay, as all pokemon do, at your trainer’s side, ready to serve them at will. You look up into the gloom of dusk into your trainer’s eyes, which have a glazed look of sorrow occupying them. She stumbles over a loose railroad tie, but regains a composed stature and continues to balance on the thin metal spokes comprising the railroad. You can hear the whistle again, this time closer, and you long to leap from your trainer’s side and run until your legs give out. No, you can’t, you remind yourself.

She looks down upon you now, surveying you with a blank look on her face. The dark flecks of freckles on her soft porcelain skin accentuate those large emerald eyes. Her hair falls in tangled curls, framing her face and giving her an unpleasant and unattractive look. You feel ashamed to have such a repulsive trainer, though, as always you must obey her and do as she wishes, and that includes staying by her side no matter what the situation may call for.

Her smooth, dark lips part to form the words, “Are you ready?” The last word however, is drown out by the monotony of the approaching train’s whistle. The shrill cry causes the ground around you to rumble in a familiar way. Rocks tumble, grasses shake, and pokemon scatter from nearby bushes, escaping into safety. Oh, how you long to be those pokemon.
The train is visible now, emerging from the black abyss of a far off tunnel. It is approaching at an alarming rate, taking no time to stop and evaluate its surroundings, after all, it had to arrive in Mauville City by nightfall, and it was already cutting it close. It is closer now, and it unleashes another deafening wail.

Your trainer takes a step forward, toward the speeding locomotive, spreading her arms out wide to catch the soft wind that blows past, ruffling her greasy black locks. She turns back for a moment with an inquisitive look splashed upon every pimpled inch of her face. You take a few shaky strides in her direction, fully aware of what she wants.

The train is upon you now, shrieking and wailing worse than ever. The rails shake wildly, tossing you off balance, and you fall to the earth. The continuous quake tosses you over the embankment, scrambling wildly to grip some sort of substance to steady yourself. A dense bush of bristles reaches out in your direction, catching you as you tumble into its midst. A cry of pain erupts from your throat, though it was unheard due to yet another loud metallic whistle. Despite the blur from the tears brimming at the corners of your eyes, you glance skyward to where you had just been standing. The indistinguishable mass of the locomotive meets your gaze, flowing endlessly along the railroad before you. A thick thorn protrudes from your shoulder, as well as everywhere else on your body, though this one is causing you the most pain. Seeing as your legs ended in blunt toes, you used your mouth to pluck these uncomfortable objects from your body. A rustle of leaves springs forth into the bitter winter air as you pry yourself loose from the tangle and trot back to the railroad track.

Emptiness greets you, as it always did. Your trainer is nowhere to be seen, or heard. Oh no! You think. Your mind’s eye works itself into a vision of your trainer, being struck from behind and tossed as though a rag doll beneath the behemoth, her limbs scattering about. The tears leak down your wrinkled turquoise skin and collect in puddles at your feet. Your chest heaves with every deep breath you take and falls in just the same fashion. Your trainer has been crushed by the train, its all your fault, you should have saved her! A torrent of guilt falls upon you, and you fight, kick, and scream in fury at it, scratching your face and clawing desperately at your body.

The soft, mellifluous voice of your trainer floated up from the opposite embankment, seemingly angry. “Damn it Bulbasaur, it didn’t work!” You hear her clawing her way up the steep wall of dirt, and watch in pure joy as the crest of her head appears above it. You leap up and scramble madly over to her, throwing yourself upon her in a tight embrace. “Get the hell off of me!” Your trainer screams with fury at you, a tone of authority controlling her voice. It is then that you remember that she hates to be touched, by you, her parents, anyone. “C’mon,” she says simply, turning in the direction you had come and begins to walk briskly away from you, her black overcoat streaming out around her. You follow obediently, as you always do.
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Last edited by Bryce; 07-12-2007 at 06:55 AM.
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Old 07-12-2007, 06:49 AM
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Default Re: The Morals Behind a Murder [oneshot]

continued.......


******************


The creak of wind upon rusted metal welcomes you as you enter the junkyard. Instantly, the repulsive stench of rotting waste fills your lungs as you inhale the dank air, but you have grown used to it by now. Every moment possible, your trainer comes to this place of decay, seemingly angry that everything here was rotting in the ground, as she had for so long desired to do. No matter how immortal she was, your trainer couldn’t bring herself to commit suicide; she was too frightened.

You trail her into the dump, watching innocently as she takes her usual position atop a rusted out old Mustang. A distracting chatter catches her attention, and she looks in the direction of the noise, smiling when she observes an angelic Pachirisu hopping among the trash bins. That wicked smile still occupying her face, she turns in your direction, nodding toward the pokemon. "Bulbasaur, would you?” A weight seemingly falls into the pit of your stomach as you realize what she is asking of you. Your eyes squeezed tightly, you approach the fellow pokemon, which gazes at you with the innocence of a child. Its glossed eyes pass over your body and it chatters enticingly at you, probably wanting to play. “I am thinking something along the lines of stun spore, followed by vine whip,” your trainer says, a hint of laughter leaking into her words.

You have no choice after all, you are her pokemon, and must do as she says, no matter how vindictive she may be. Shaking the bulb atop your back, you issue forth the least amount of stunning powder possible, hoping that it will only daze the squirrel pokemon and give it enough time to escape. The yellow spores float slowly over to the unmoving Pachirisu, and soon surround its body, causing it to fall to the ground and wriggle shamefully. You stand, watching it in pity, trying to hold off on the vine whip until it can get away. “What are you waiting for, use vine whip NOW!” she screams, probably keen to what you are up to. Having no other choice, two dark green vines rocket from your body, striking the defenseless pokemon. Almost as though they had their own plans in mind, the vines closed around its body, giving it the look of one wearing an outfit of leaves. The Pachirisu lifts into the air, and you hold it there, waiting for a follow-up command, hoping secretly that there will be none. “Now squeeze the life out of it!”

Another burst of salty tears emits from your eyes as you begin to squeeze the pokemon, feeling its quick heartbeat slow to a dull thump. Small streams of blood begin to pour through every opening in its body. “Keep going,” your trainer whispers, her attention solely kept on the dying Pachirisu. You give one last, painful thrust with your vines and send the pokemon plummeting to the ground, where it lands within a pool of its own blood, splattering it in small trickles upon the surrounding earth. You have won. As much as it pains you, you realize that you have intentionally killed another pokemon. Your trainer speaks, though it is unheard for various screaming emotions whisk themselves about in your head, creating a vortex that hinders all other words from entering. You hear her scream now, angry flooding her voice, though you do not turn to look at her. You hear footsteps now, crunching atop the gravel until they are right behind you and that’s when you feel it. Her foot collides with your backside, knocking you forward. Your face, already scarred, crushes into the sharp rocks, and they dig into your face, causing a flow of blood to emerge from your nose, similar to what you had done to the Pachirisu. Your breathing increases, as your struggle not to cry out, that would only make her more angry. She speaks again, this time slow and calm, “Get up, I think we should do it now.” You know what she is hinting at when she says these words, though you thought she would never live up to them. No, you think, she won’t do it this time, she has always chickened out when it comes to this, it will be the same as always. But as you think these words, you get the feeling that she may actually go through with it. It may have been the unfamiliar look in her eyes on the train tracks, or the sound of her voice when she ordered you to kill the Pachirisu, which it was, you do not know. What you do know is that this time will not be the same as the others, no matter what you told yourself, she might actually go through with this.

She crosses the junkyard, expecting you to follow in her wake, and you do. You gaze around in helpless despair, looking for anything that might help you stop her from doing this. But nothing among this junk, not the used toilet seats, nor the crushed soda cans could aid you now. Without giving notice, she drops to her knees, causing an eruption of fresh mud to fly around her. Your trainer then raises her hands in the air, and places them on her oily strands of hair, pulling them back into a bun and letting it fall onto her shoulder. “Okay Bulbasaur,” she breathes heavily. Although she is staring in your direction, you sense that she is not truly looking at you. You know what she is about to say, and are wishing silently that she will change her mind.

“Use Solarbeam now!” she cries, the words hitting you like a barrage of stones.

The bulb atop your back glows a faint orange, and seems to be acting on its own.

Tears have appeared at the corners of your trainer’s eyes, something you have never seen before.

The bulb is struggling now to gain enough sunlight, unable to pierce the thick marshmallow clouds occupying the sky.

A moan escapes her mouth; it reminds you of a Taurus’s grunt, though you cannot help but feel sorry for her.

A shift in the structure of clouds brings a beam of pure sunlight skyrocketing down upon you, supplying the last bit of energy needed to power up the attack.

“Do it now,” she sobs, drool hanging from her lips. Although she has never been as repulsive as she currently is, you can’t help but feel connected with her in a way you have never been.

The bulb is flashing now with deep shades of orange and yellow, threatening to burst at any given moment.

“I said do it now!” your trainer shrieks, her eyes are centered upon the ground beneath her. Teardrops splash in puddles under her, making you feel so very sorry for her.

You cannot hold the solarbeam back much longer, but you cannot bring yourself to kill the trainer that has raised you from an egg either. Your mind’s eye triggers a memory of your trainer clutching your newborn form, squealing with happiness as she twirls in a puffy pink skirt. What happened to that little girl you had once known and loved? She was killed, you think, killed by the troubles of teenage life. She was buried beneath hardship and sorrow, despair and depression caused by the ones around her. But you had always been there for her, whether she wanted you there are not. You still love her, you can never stop loving her, for she is your trainer. You realize with guilt that if you really loved her, you would do this deed for her. This act, though some may disagree, would put all her troubles behind her and help her reach a place of serenity.

Before you realize what you are doing, you unleash a blast of pure energy straight into your trainer, knocking her backwards. One last indistinguishable word emerges from her mouth in the form of an animal-like moan. Your trainer flips end over end before coming to a complete and silent stop about ten yards from where she had just been kneeling. You cross over to her unmoving body, not allowing your mind to wander to any conclusion, for you knew that it would end in guilt. She lies facedown, her hair strewn across her back and her arm bent at a funny angle.
Her chest does not heave in a familiar way that indicates that she is still living, but just sits like a deflated balloon. You know that she is dead, there is no denying that fact.

You now turn to leave, but as you do, you see a wrinkled object protruding from her jean pocket. You lean down and pluck it from her pants using your teeth.

A tear silently tumbles down your cheek as you gaze down at the yellowing photograph. Here in your hands is a picture taken long ago, displaying a younger version of your trainer. Her customary ruffled pink dress accenuates her bright pink cheeks as she grasps a speckled green egg, holding it close to her chest. Her smile portrays that of an unworried, carefree life to which she had been ripped from long ago.

You leave the junkyard, lonely and afraid. As you pass through the rusted gates, the sun peaks from behind a large gray storm cloud, casting its light onto the lives below it, hopefully causing a deep and everlasting joy.
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Last edited by Bryce; 07-12-2007 at 07:23 AM.
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Old 07-14-2007, 07:53 AM
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Default Re: The Morals Behind a Murder [oneshot]

I see that i have had about 26 views so far, but not ONE of you could leave even a SHORT review of my fic?

I REALLY need to know if this was a success or not, just for my own personal reasons and such, so really if you read this fanfic, Please leave me a comment or review because this is only my 2nd fic EVER! and i need to know! [rambling] l0l
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Old 07-14-2007, 08:18 AM
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Default Re: The Morals Behind a Murder [oneshot]

Quote:
Originally Posted by BryceBoy10 View Post
I see that i have had about 26 views so far, but not ONE of you could leave even a SHORT review of my fic?

I REALLY need to know if this was a success or not, just for my own personal reasons and such, so really if you read this fanfic, Please leave me a comment or review because this is only my 2nd fic EVER! and i need to know! [rambling] l0l
Hm..I'm not sure how to say this but I get the feeling as if your vocab. is a bit heavy handed. It is a good story (while I never enjoy the topic of someone killing themselfs or any verison of said killing, I have been around it and feel that too much focus is put on how 'noble and tragic' the new 'emo' crowd wants it to seem) but the wording, most of all the ending, just comes across to me as being a little too melodramatic...
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Old 07-14-2007, 12:20 PM
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Default Re: The Morals Behind a Murder [oneshot]

Umm...I don't know what to say. That was a pretty...dramatic story. I did like the way you wrote it but, the killing, murder?
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Old 07-14-2007, 10:13 PM
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Default Re: The Morals Behind a Murder [oneshot]

ummmm...... okay, i dont really know what you are trying to say Orange Flaffy, but i kinda get the gist of it..... but i dont know how to respond, l0l thanks i guess for a review.

Also, i just wanted to do something different that hasnt been done before!
BTW i am in no way, shape, or form even the least bit emo! i swear, but i just thought i would try something like that to see how others feel.... well thanks anyway
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Old 07-14-2007, 10:28 PM
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Default Re: The Morals Behind a Murder [oneshot]

Basicly I think it is a good idea but I don't like the theme or mood, and the trainer does not make me care about them:P. Death is one of those things that has more of an effect if your reader cares for said character..
But then not every story is for everyone...
I'm not sure if someone is forced to do something it is really murder anymore. In a way I think it would be a much newer idea if the pokemon had not killed her and she had to go on living :)...
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Old 07-14-2007, 10:33 PM
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Default Re: The Morals Behind a Murder [oneshot]

well..... you have your own concept of what would be good and i have mine. My main focus in writing it is for her to die because if the pokemon really loved her, then he would do what she wanted...... thanks for the review even though i dont really agree w/ it, but that is why i ask for reviews in the first place..... to see other ppl's views on it! so it is much appreciated! THANKS!
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Old 07-14-2007, 10:41 PM
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Default Re: The Morals Behind a Murder [oneshot]

I thought it was fantastic. I don't think the wording was too "heavy handed" at all.

I thought that it was original, interesting to read, and quite heart-wrenching... *sniff*

But, yeah. Some might say the story is overdone, but I thought it was brilliant.

I'm not sure what else to say... If I think of a way for you to improve, I'll edit my post. [/suck up speech]

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Old 07-14-2007, 10:46 PM
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Default Re: The Morals Behind a Murder [oneshot]

Thanks djax...... i knew it would evoke emotion in at least one person! l0l
ummm..... but i really appreciate any advie anyone has on my stories, because criticism helps ANYONE become a better writer regardless......

So anyways, thanks for the compliment on this story....... i have read some of your work also [anonymously] l0l and i thought it was also very well-writen as well.....
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Old 07-14-2007, 10:53 PM
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Default Re: The Morals Behind a Murder [oneshot]

I'm quite the sensitive person... No, I'm not gay. (Not that there's anything wrong with them...)

Thanks, I'm glad you liked mine! =]

I'm very smart, but thick at the same time... If you know what I mean...

So I got confused in the 2nd person thingy... It's really hard to write like that, and well done! But some of us find it confusing. =[

OMG, I actually pointed out a fault! (Only a slight one. XD)

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Old 07-14-2007, 11:14 PM
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Default Re: The Morals Behind a Murder [oneshot]

Don't get me wrong I am a very sensitive person,I cry very easily in real life :\. It just was not written in such a way that I felt for the character, the pokemon maybe, but not the person being killed. It made me wonder just why the pokemon would love her in the first place, and your 2nd person pov did not draw me in becuase if it was me doing the action I personality would not have obeyed :P. That is the thing about 2nd person, you are pretty much saying what someone does/will do. If said reader does not agree with those actions you have a higher chance of them stopping reading...
That's why I like the 'I' rather than the 'you' pov :)
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Old 07-14-2007, 11:26 PM
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Default Re: The Morals Behind a Murder [oneshot]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Orange_Flaaffy View Post
Don't get me wrong I am a very sensitive person,I cry very easily in real life :\. It just was not written in such a way that I felt for the character, the pokemon maybe, but not the person being killed. It made me wonder just why the pokemon would love her in the first place, and your 2nd person pov did not draw me in becuase if it was me doing the action I personality would not have obeyed :P. That is the thing about 2nd person, you are pretty much saying what someone does/will do. If said reader does not agree with those actions you have a higher chance of them stopping reading...
That's why I like the 'I' rather than the 'you' pov :)
Well the description of the human trainer and how she was portrayed wasnt supposed to make you like her, it was actually supposed to do the opposite. That kind of represented another internal struggle because the pokemon didnt like her but HAD to obey her, ummm also, the bulbasaur tried to remember her as the child she once was.....

As for the pokemon, in the way i told about it/you i tried to make you feel sorry for it/you because of such a callous trainer she is.....

I totally agree w/ what you are saying about the actions that you would/wouldnt do because i understand that some ppl would be totally against the pokemon's actions. And that is why i stated at the beginning that i am totally new to 2nd person stuff, and i didnt really take into consideration what the reader would do in the pokemon's place. I now know that i have to carefully think about how the reader would feel and also how i want the story to go....... so thanks for pointing that out to me.
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