Parasitic Nightmares

[Wolfgirl6]

Spinerak, simple. Ready for grade. My second capture fic.(Am I allowed to be trying to catch two pokemon at once?)My title is complete garbage. Anyway the difficulty is simple and I wrote the battle before the introduction so the beginning is very bland and straight to the point. The battle is slightly better but because it is simple I didn't try as hard as I normally would. Let me know how it is and if it's a fail I'll fix it and try again.(Also don't tell me I didn't capitalize the pokemon names because I generally don't and I already know about it. Just take the points off. You can yell at me for anything else. In fact I'll start. "Wolfgirl6 your introduction sucks and it ends way to fast"Okay your turn)


Elise and Rudolph walked quietly through the twilight engulfed woods, the only sounds that of a noctowl hooting forlornly in the distance. Elise, a teenage girl of about 15, turned her deep, brown eyes skyward as if searching for something. Her hair, a dark almost black but not quite shade of brown rippled slightly in the wind. Shivering she continued and pulled her denim jacket tighter around her, covering a light blue shirt with a sleeping dragonair. Her black and green backpack hung limply from her shoulder. Twigs snapped beneath her black and silver sneakers as they make their way through the darkening woods.

Besides her walked Rudolph, a hound-like pokemon. He was covered in ebony fur with beige markings on his mouth and stomach. Silver rings were fastened around his ankles and he wore a leather collar around his neck. He was rather runty for a houndour but didn't by any means look weak. His stubby tail wagged slowly from side to side as he followed his distracted master.

By nightfall they had reached a clearing, an almost perfect circle that was strangely empty of debris. The trees around it were tightly packed and Elise couldn't shake the feeling something was watching them.

Settling down in the middle of the clearing Elise rummaged around in her backpack until she pulled out a plastic box containing their rations of food. She pulled out a ham and cheese sandwich, broke it in half, and gave the bigger side to Rudolph. Rudolph immediately set to devouring it, looking around nervously as if afraid some unknown force would snatch it up from beneath his nose. Elise took a bite and grimaced. The sandwich had been made quite a while ago and the bread was dry and crumbling. She looked at the remaining part of her sandwich with contempt before also feeding it to Rudolph.

She next pulled out a large, two person sleeping bag which she and Rudolph curled up in together. They were both tired and quickly drifted off to sleep. It was the middle of the night when something caused Elise to wake up. She blinked and looked around. A soft chittering sound was emanating from the forest around them. She began shaking Rudolph awake, her eyes flitting around nervously.

Rudolph yawned and looked at her, clearly unhappy at being woke up. His ears perked up and he looked around the clearing, a snarl rising from his throat. Millions of red eyes appeared in the surrounding trees and the chittering became deafening. An army of eight legged, green and black bodies flowed towards them and Elise's pulse sped up.

"Rudolph" She said, the panic in her voice clear, "Do something!"

Needing no further incentive, Rudolph stepped forward. Flames came forth from Rudolph mouth, scorching the spinerak and forcing them to retreat. They gnashed their pincers in anger and sent forth a line of thick webbing. Rudolph tried to dodge, but in vain. There were simply too many. Rope-like webbing covered him, clogging his mouth and holding his legs in place. Desperately Elise ran forward and attempted to pull the webbing off him, but try as she might she could not free him. It was as she tried to withdraw her hands that she realized she was stuck also. Panic filled her as the legions of spinerak approached, their tiny legs moving in unison.

"Flamethrower!" She said, her voice loud and shaking,"I said flamethrower!"

Rudolph struggled to open his mouth, to shoot out the flames which Elise needed. He thrashed and tried to keep the advancing creatures at bay, but for all his efforts, there was naught. The spineraks continued unchallenged, marching towards their prey with deadly intent.

Eyes wide with fear, unable to move, Elise stood there hoping beyond hope that someone would rescue them. But it was impossible. They were deep in uncharted wilderness. No one was coming. They were going to die.

The spineraks were upon them now. They crawled up their legs with a slight tickling sensation. Then they opened their pincers and bit down.

Elise screamed as the horrible bugs began to drain her blood, Rudolph faring no differently beside her. Slowly the world became fuzzy and she groaned and staggered before falling against Rudolph.

Suddenly flames licked her arms and she screamed again. Then suddenly she was free and the spineraks were retreating again. She fell to the ground with a thud, moaning and absentmindedly staring at her burnt hands.

Rudolph stood over her, freed of his restraints, pure rage showing in his eyes. Heat radiated from his mouth as he glared at the surrounded creatures. Then white, hot flame shot from his mouth, scalding rows of spineraks. Lucky ones escaped with mere burns, unlucky ones didn't escape at all. He left her side to chase the retreating spineraks, crushing them in his teeth or scorching them with his breathe, until finally only he and Elise were left in the clearing, the charred and mangled corpses of the insects surrounding them.

He went to her and licked her face nervously, fearing for her health. She smiled and stroked his fur reassuringly, then with Rudolph's help managed to sit up.

Something moved among the nearby underbrush. In a second Rudolph pounced, snarling. A single shot of webbing shot out into his eyes and he yelped, then flames shot out into the bushes, setting the whole thing ablaze. A screeching was heard and a bright black and green shape shot out. Shaking the white string off Rudolph jumped in front of it, scooping it up in his mouth. A crunching sound was heard of he bit down, then he seemed to reconsider and returned, proudly brandishing a squirming spinerak in his jaws. It seemed larger then the others and burn marks covered a good half of its body. Its bright green and black patterning almost seemed to glow in the dark.

Slowly she reached into her backpack, a matching green and black color, and pulled out a small sphere. She clicked a button in the center and it enlarged, now the size of her fist.

"Throw it" She said, feeling a bit less light headed already.

Rudolph jerked his head upwards and released it, its legs flailing through the open air.

She quickly aimed and launched the pokeball forward, hitting the frightened creature square in the back. Red light shot out and engulfed it before it landed back on the ground. Elise watched expectantly as the ball shook back and forth...

(Just mentioning that the battle was the whole thing with the hordes of spineraks. The one Rudolph found was hurt from his flamethrower while he was running about, killing things. Just so you don't think I skipped the battle)

[EmBreon]

If you ask it, I will come... XD

Story/Plot: This was a nice little story for the spider. I really liked the visual you gave it, however, getting jumped by a swarm of Spinarak is not the most original of stories. ^^; It's so important to take the time to think up a interesting storyline before you actually start writing the story. The more you have planned out, the more you can fix and manipulate as you go. Some people like to create thought webs, or even scribbling random events that you want to happen in the duration of your story on a separate piece of paper can help immensely. *That's what I do ;P*

"Wolfgirl6 your introduction sucks and it ends way to fast"

Well, I would not say that, but if you're going for a Pokemon past Simple category, you're going to want to improve this area. The introduction sets the tone. It's one of the most important parts of the entire writing because of the fact that it has the ability to either draw your reader in, or bore them immediately. You know how to write obviously, and you can tell that you just did an average job with this because it was for a Simple. Try not to do that, because if your plot turns out to be better than expected, you can just add in another Pokemon and attempt a double capture.

The only other thing I would advise you on, is to slow down. Don't rush from scene to scene; you'll only leave the reader flustered and confused. Take the time to explain things as thoroughly as possible. You will be happy with the outcome.

Grammar/Spelling: I'm not going to go into detail here, since we talked all about this on AIM.


Detail/Description: This, my dear, was very well done. I was surprised to see details like this coming from the story of a new writer in the URPG. I don't really have anything to critique in this area. I want you to focus more on improving plot and pace for now anyways.

Length: Fine.

Battle: Pretty good. I could see it being longer, but honestly it would be really difficult with the two you have facing off there. If something like this ever happens, try taking on two and only attempting to capture one.. or something along those lines.

Details were wonderful. I could see everything as it happened, which is very important, so nice job. Also, try bringing the terrain around you somewhat into play. Surely the two Pokemon aren't fighting in a box. :/

Outcome: Overall, a solid story. We talked a bunch about it on AIM, hence, short grade. Enjoy your new spider. Spinarak captured!

You should name it Scarlet, then get yourself a Grumpig and name it Wilbur. XD

[Wolfgirl6]

Originally Posted by EmBreon

If you ask it, I will come... XD

Story/Plot: This was a nice little story for the spider. I really liked the visual you gave it, however, getting jumped by a swarm of Spinarak is not the most original of stories. ^^; It's so important to take the time to think up a interesting storyline before you actually start writing the story. The more you have planned out, the more you can fix and manipulate as you go. Some people like to create thought webs, or even scribbling random events that you want to happen in the duration of your story on a separate piece of paper can help immensely. *That's what I do ;P*

I'm doing that for a different story. This one I just wanted the pokemon and wanted it fast but I will try harder for better pokemon.

Originally Posted by EmBreon

Well, I would not say that, but if you're going for a Pokemon past Simple category, you're going to want to improve this area. The introduction sets the tone. It's one of the most important parts of the entire writing because of the fact that it has the ability to either draw your reader in, or bore them immediately. You know how to write obviously, and you can tell that you just did an average job with this because it was for a Simple. Try not to do that, because if your plot turns out to be better than expected, you can just add in another Pokemon and attempt a double capture.

I was already working on a story for a gastly and wanted to put all my attention into that. Though truthfully I haven't even posted the beginning of that one and have already begun a skarmory story so I'm not really sure when that one will get finished. Oh well.

Originally Posted by EmBreon

Detail/Description: This, my dear, was very well done. I was surprised to see details like this coming from the story of a new writer in the URPG. I don't really have anything to critique in this area. I want you to focus more on improving plot and pace for now anyways.

Thanks. I myself thought I did horribly on this stories detail since I was rushing. That makes me feel a bit better.

Originally Posted by EmBreon

Battle: Pretty good. I could see it being longer, but honestly it would be really difficult with the two you have facing off there. If something like this ever happens, try taking on two and only attempting to capture one.. or something along those lines.

Details were wonderful. I could see everything as it happened, which is very important, so nice job. Also, try bringing the terrain around you somewhat into play. Surely the two Pokemon aren't fighting in a box.

This I wanted to do but couldn't unless I was extremely careful during the whole battle. The whole forest would have burned down if I had incorporated the terrain and I have already done a fanfic where Rudolph burns down a forest(it hasn't been posted yet though so don't bother looking for it. I can send it to you if you like).

Thanks for grading! Me, Rudolph, and Akumo are very happy together.(yay my first capture fic).