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Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Pokemon RPG's » Pokemon Ultra RPG » Stories

Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 02-04-2008, 12:34 AM
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Cherry Offline
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Default A Restaurant Treat!

A Restaurant Treat!

Character count(5-10 K): 6571
Word count: 1,211
Pokemon wanted: Sandshrew, simple



“Ok!” Molly exclaimed as she got up from a bar stool. While she got up her pink and white dress flowed and her golden blonde hair, that was so beautifully done, swayed as she turned around to face the door. “I’m leaving,” she confirmed to the waiter. “I enjoyed your service. It was to like I am the most important person in your restaurant; you treated me as if I were a celebrity. Great service!” She swung her backpack around and placed it on the counter covered in crumbs. She seemed to be looking for something in there. She dug down deep in the bag. She was obviously looking for something important. Then she looked up ,embarrassed, at the now angry waiter. It seems that I cannot find any cash in this –“

“What do you mean? Are you saying you can’t pay for this meal? The most skilled chef in this town prepared this for you! And you can’t rummage up a lousy 1000 dollars?” The man was beyond frustrated, he was furious.

“Well sir! Vermillion City is a fabulous city! And you see, since this is such a –a,” She started to stutter while trying to find a lie. “Of course I had to get a souvenir! So I bought a beautiful soothe bell!” She really just bought a soothe bell to evolve her Togepi.

“Give me the soothe bell then!” The man said with an angry tone to his voice.

“I can’t...” Molly was too disappointed for words. The waiter flung a white apron over to Molly. “What’s this?” Molly said as she looked down at the apron. It was covered in stains from sauces, jellies, and what looked like a grey kind of fungus. “It’s disgusting!”

“You’re going to be cleaning dishes for the rest of the day.” The waiter was walking away as he said this to Molly. “The dishwashing room is down the hall and to the left.” Molly started to walk down the hall. Her head was held down.

“I’ve never had a job, and now I get a job out of crime.” Molly looked up. “Huh?”

“Hello!” A boy had jumped out in front of her crazily. He was dressed in blue and yellow. His shirt had Hawaiian flowers printed on it. He had black sunglasses that had brown frames. A lay hung around his neck. The lay too had Hawaiian flowers on it colored like a rainbow .

“You do realize it is winter right?” Molly had her eyebrows down and then up and down again in confusion.

“I work here,” The boy stated.

“So, you chose to work for the old and grumpy mess of a man?” Molly evaluated him again. She tried to figure out why such a colorful boy was here.

“No.” The boy now had an expression like Molly’s. His head hung low.

“Well then why?” Molly was agitated that it took such a effort to get an answer out of him.

“That grumpy mess of a man is my father. He told me to help you wash dishes. Don’t worry. I’m not a big fan of my dad either,” The boy sighed after he finished his sentence. “I’m just glad that it’s not a hobo this time. They usually come here to eat. Then they just work to pay.Anyways, let’s get to work.”

“What’s your name?” Molly questioned.

“Call me Blue.” Blue walked into the dish washing room. “Come on!” Molly walked into the room. The walls were brown. Molly thought that they had originally been white, but over the years they turned brown, the window was near the washing machine, the windows had curtains that were checkered with black and white, and the floors were tiled. Like the walls the tiles were the same shade of brown. “You’ll be working with the sink in the corner. Molly looked into the sink. It was black and brown.

“Isn’t this a little unsanitary?” Molly was frowning.

“Yes, but it is my pride and joy!” Blue looked around; smiling as he loaded dishes in the dish washing machine. Molly on the other hand rolled her eyes and got to work.
With each dish she washed it seemed that a new one came in. The next thing she knew the sky was black; it was night. She went over to Blue.

“Can I leave?” Molly wiped the sweat off her forehead.

“Yes.” Blue said.

“Wait!” Molly looked out the window, “What is that?”

“What?” Blue looked up from his washing machine, “Oh! That is a Sandshrew. That little guy always comes around this time of night. I thought of catching him once, but Dad hates Pokémon.”
“I thought that those Pokémon are supposed to live in Mt. Moon.” Molly leaned closer to the window.

“A trainer caught her and found out that it wasn’t as strong as it appeared. So when he came back here to battle the gym he released it.” Blue went back to loading the dirty old machine.

“That’s horrible!” Molly started to head for the door. “Bye!” Blue shrugged. He didn’t care. He was happy she was gone.
Molly opened the door and slammed it in excitement.

“Oops.” She said, giggling because all of the workers came out from where they were to see what was happening.

“Sand?” It was that Pokémon, Sandshrew. Molly’s jaw dropped. She quickly took out a poke’ ball from her backpack.

“GO, Elekid!” A cute little yellow Pokémon had popped out of the ball she threw. “Elekid, we are trying to get this thing if you know what I mean.” She winked. Elekid nodded. “Start out with a shocking thunder!” The Elekid jumped up and released a monstrous jolt of lightning. It traveled in a zigzag motion. Finally it hit with a great amount of energy. To Molly’s surprise the Pokémon just stood there and took the shock. It stayed in that one spot absorbing the thunder. Finally Sandshrew opened its arms; with that motion the shock stopped. “Electric attacks must not work on ground types, so we need to think of a new strategy ok Elekid?” Elekid nodded again. “Use swift!” With that command Elekid shot out a ray of sparkling stars. Sandshrew was hit badly. It hit the ground with a thud; dust kicked up when it landed.

“Shrew…” Sandshrew sighed.

“Now for the poke-“Molly was interrupted in the middle of her sentence. The Sandshrew had faked the faint. She got up and hit Elekid with a ferocious slash attack. Elekid was shocked! It fainted because of shock and being hurt.
Molly snapped her fingers.”Dang!” She got a new poke’ ball from her bag. “Go, Togepi!” The little spike ball popped out of the poke’ ball like Elekid did. “Togepi, use metronome!” Togepi waved its hands back and forth. A shot of water came from its mouth. “Yes! A water gun attack!” Molly yelled. The attack struck the helpless Sandshrew, she hit the ground again whith a thud. Molly paused. “Return Togepi,” Molly closed her eyes as Togepi was sucked up into the ball. Then she opened her eyes. She pulled out a fresh new poke’ ball; white on the bottom, red on the top. She threw it at the Sandshrew.
It turned once,
It turned twice…
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Last edited by Cherry; 02-05-2008 at 03:34 AM.
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  #2  
Old 02-05-2008, 07:14 AM
Splishee Offline
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Default Re: A Restaurant Treat!

I'll grade this for you. ^_^

I'll post it soon.
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  #3  
Old 02-14-2008, 05:18 AM
Splishee Offline
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Default Re: A Restaurant Treat!

I am so, so, so, so SO sorry for the wait! Hope the grade makes up for it! *Hopeful smile*

Plot

A girl named Molly is eating in a fancy restaurant in Vermillion City. After completing her meal and complimenting the waiter, she discovers that she has no money to pay the waiter with. Embarrassed and shocked, she turns down the waiter’s demands for her precious Soothe Bell (which she is saving to evolve her Togepi), leading her to have to work at the restaurant to earn the money back. She meets a random boy named Blue, who helps her work.

After she had finished working for the night, she ran into a randomly placed Sandshrew outside. She quickly runs out and battles the Sandshrew, in hopes of catching it.

All in all, it’s a pretty decent plot for a simple level Pokemon, such as Sandshrew. It wasn’t the most boring plot around - yet it wasn’t the most exiting, either. You never told the reader about the harshness of the place, and the way that Molly reacted to the situation. Obviously, she was incredibly embarrassed, but also a little frustrated at the owner for making her work. Her reaction could be different, according to her type of personality. I’ll delve deeper into this ‘personality’ thing later, but for now, just be aware that the plot was a little lacking in some spots.

The fact that the random boy came and helped her work was a little.. Well, random! I would have liked it if you had delved into his personality more, as it seemed like you just placed him in there as a cheap filler of the story.

However, for a simple level Pokemon, it was fine. Creative, for the most part - however, you could have explained why exactly Molly didn’t have any money, as you had commented just before that that her hair was ‘beautifully done’ which could imply, ‘expensively done’. A little more detail would have been nice.

I don’t want to sound harsh, as I have said, the plot was fine for Sandshrew. I’m just giving you these tips for future story writing, as plot holes like those need to be filled.

Introduction

It was fine, for the most part. It gave me a clear understanding of the situation (except the strange confusing rich/poor scenario). However, the description was to bare minimum and the first paragraph was just too clumped together. The first paragraph could have been split into at least 2 paragraphs, if you were willing to add in more description to make it more interesting - painting a clear picture for the reader.

You introduced the fact that Molly was visiting Vermillion City, and I was waiting for a more thorough explanation - but it never came. Try not to leave plot holes such as this one, as I was left confused as to why she was only a visitor. Make sure to explain all things like this thoroughly.

The who/what/when/where .. Etc was fine, except for the ‘why’. Why was she in Vermillion? Why didn’t she have enough money? Etcetera, etcetera. Molly also didn’t have a distinctive personality. The boy, Blue, has a large one; hyperactive and lively. However, Molly doesn’t seem to have one at all. Is she intelligent? Is she hyperactive, like Blue? Or is she sarcastic and cold? Does she have a caring nature? I was left wondering this as I read the story.

I don’t mean to sound harsh, because it was fine - for a simple Pokemon. But these are all the things that you should be aware of.

Length

The story was roughly 6.5 K. Sandshrew, being a simple Pokemon, requires 5 - 10 thousand characters, so you just scraped the minimum. I would suggest aiming for around the middle, as it will help secure the capture. 7 - 8 K would have been nice, not that 6 isn’t sufficient.

Grammar

My greatest pet peeve was cut short this time. Your story’s grammar was, overall, pretty good. ^_^. However, you didn’t have a lot of complex or complicated sentences which would require well-learnt grammar. Many of them were short and sharp, which is okay for many sentences.. But can be irritating for the reader, who is left wanting more out of the story.

I’ll delve more into that in description, but for now, here are your main grammar errors.

Quote:
She was obviously looking for something important. Then she looked up ,embarrassed, at the now angry waiter. It seems that I cannot find any cash in this –“
You didn’t put the first speech mark when Molly spoke. There should be a speech mark before ‘it’, am I correct. Actually, so the paragraph is more flowing, it would have been better off as a whole new paragraph.

‘She was obviously looking for something important. Then she looked up, embarrassed, at the now angry waiter.

It seems that I cannot find any cash in this -” ‘

Quote:
“Oops.” She said, giggling because all of the workers came out from where they were to see what was happening.
The most common speech error in the book, and almost every story contains it. When the speech is over and done with, there is a comma before the speech mark, followed by the character speaking. It is still in the same sentence, so the ‘she’ shouldn’t have a capital ‘s’, either.

Throughout all your story you had a full stop at the end of speech, which was fine, because in every instance you didn’t have a character directly saying it, they would be doing something, or such.

For example:

You’re going to be cleaning dishes for the rest of the day.” The waiter was walking away as he said this to Molly.

In that instance, the full stop is okay, but not when the character directly says it after. ^_^

Quote:
The most skilled chef in this town prepared this for you! And you can’t rummage up a lousy 1000 dollars?
Two errors in this sentence. For one, never, under any circumstances, start a sentence with the word ‘and’. ‘And’ is a joining word, used to join sentences together, not to start them.

Secondly, you put ‘1000’ dollars. Technically, the correct way to spell that number is either ‘1 000’ with the space, or ‘1,000’. The best way, however, is probably to say ‘one thousand dollars’ as you put ‘dollars’ but put a number before it. This is quite odd, and a strange combination of number/words.

The sentence should really be:

The most skilled chef in this town prepared this for you and you can’t rummage up a lousy one thousand dollars?

That’s about it for the grammar that really needed attention. There were big grammar issues in your battle, but I’ll talk to you about that in the battle section. Like I said, your grammar was fine, but many sentences were lacking in interest and complexity, so they didn’t demand excellent grammar.

Description

Sorry to say, but half of your story was simply dialogue. Your description was to a bare minimum, and you only described certain things when you felt the situation really deserved it. You didn’t describe anything along the way, you didn’t even describe the waiter’s appearance! I pictured him as a high class, tuxedo wearing waiter with a snobbish air, but was that how you wanted to portray him?

You even failed to describe the actual restaurant. Obviously it was a high class one, as the bill was so ridiculously expensive. I would have liked to see more of the restaurant, and what exactly made it so high class.

When describing the kitchen, it was definitely your high point. Which is kind of disappointing, as it wasn’t very flowing and nice. However, you did describe it very well, and it was able to paint a clear picture in my head, it just was thrust infront of my face, that’s all. Try to make it more flowing, gradually being described with the character’s reactions to the room around her. A lot of your sentences were straight forward, not complex or flowing. Here is an example.

Quote:
With each dish she washed it seemed that a new one came in. The next thing she knew the sky was black; it was night. She went over to Blue.
That’s all you described about Molly working there. That one sentence about the dishes. That’s disappointing, as she was anticipating it sadly, thinking it would be horrible; and then, it was just that. I would like to see you describe more about her working, how she felt, etc etc.

So, with description, for a simple Pokemon, it was not so good. Although it is only your second story, the lack of description for Molly’s work brought you down. If you just describe her working, your grade will definitely shoot up!

Battle

The length was fine for a Sandshrew, and so were the descriptions. Definitely the high light of your story. I loved how you described the Elekid trying to use thunder, and Molly realising that electric attacks didn’t work against ground Pokemon - good work! I was a little afraid that Sandshrew would be hurt by it, forgetting the electricity/ground rule. :P, but it was all good!

The battle’s attacks were described really well, but it was all clumped together in one paragraph! Everything that Molly says should have been separated into a paragraph of its own, and each attack should have been, also! So many things happened in the battle, and yet, it was only 2 paragraphs! It’s a jumble to read, and kind of disappointing, as it makes the battle look short. The battle was a little short. The Sandshrew was taken down by a swift and a water gun! And your Elekid took only 1 shot, and fainted! That was a little unrealistic, and even though a water gun is powerful against Sandshrew, it still could have taken one more move.

I see that you tried to make it 2 sided (to the point of being unrealistic), so I applaud you for that, but it just came off as being short and unrealistic. The entire battle’s strategy and thought behind it won it for me, however, as it was quite creative. The trial and error part of the electricity and ground was good, and I liked how the metronome worked in Togepi’s favour. However, it would have been so much better if the Togepi had done metronome maybe twice, with the first time being a hopelessly bad move that was not in Togepi’s favour. That happens to everyone! :]

Outcome

Although the description was seriously lacking and the introduction was, too, I must say that I liked the overall concept of the plot and the battle. I want you to know that this was really, really on the edge of being a failed capture, and I expect a little better next time. However, the fact that it is your second story, the battle and the fact that I feel a little guilty from making you wait so long ( ), I guess this one can slide. Sandshrew Captured
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