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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.

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Old 02-07-2008, 02:48 AM
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Default Did You DIE?

Like I said before, I don't have MS Word, but I can use Firefox spelling system and like the internet! :o
I'll tell ya when I'm done.

Did you die?

Chapter 1: Things feel Disorientated

It was a wonderful, warm summer day. Michael Dunn was on a plane flying to Hawaii. He got the money from discovering a new pokemon, called Aranker, which really just a trick from some teenagers. He actually was using his life savings. He was dressed in a shirt with tropical trees and plants, and casual shorts. Michael Dunn only had a Bronzor, and wanted to catch an Aranker in Hawaii. Now whenever Michael got to Hawaii, which took only 45 minutes, he scurried to a hotel.

"Is there any rooms open?" Michael said to the clerk.

"Only a few. It's 200$ a day. Pay or leave," the clerk said sternly.

"Fine. . . here," Michael handed the money.

He grabbed his bags and pushed and shoved his way to the room. After he got everything settled, he grabbed a pokeball. Michael put it to his faced and looked cheerful.

"Come out Bron--"

Another person walked into the room. It was one of the tricky teenagers. It was dressed up as a dinosaur thing. It was supposed to be Ankler. Michael ran and started wrestling
the fake-mon. He glanced at a zipper. He grunted. Michael grabbed the teenager and kicked him out the window. Lucky for the teenager that Michael got a room on the first floor. All his dreams about the Ankler and the money just got flushed down the toilet.

"Great. . .JUST GREAT!!" Michael screamed.

Before he packed, he thought about staying and actually looking for a new pokemon, or even catching one that was already discovered. He backed up and went through the door and to the beach, all going backwards. Michael was pretty strange. He saw many people swimming and getting tans. He realized that if he was gonna look for pokemon in the water, he would need a bathing suit. Michael also realized thathe had no money.

He was going to call his friends who lived in Hawaii. But he didn't have a phone. And only pay phones were around the area. This is a disaster, he thought. He finally just used the clothes he had on and jumped in the sea. He was many Tentacool and Starmy. Then he saw swirly lines below some stumpy rocks. He swam faster and lower. Then, when he glanced at it, he couldn't breath. He was too low. He just closed his eyes and sank. When he woke up, he was in a hospital.

"W-w-hat?? Where am I!?! I thought I died!" Michael freaked.

The nurse grunted and went out of the room. She came back with a Poliwhirl. Michael was really confused. The nurse sat and put Poliwhirl on a stool.

"This Poliwhirl saved your life whenever you swam in the water. You were about to drown, but this pokemon brought you to the beach and a lifeguard did CPO. You were pretty lucky," she whispered.

The Poliwhirl nodded and got up and tapped me. He grabbed Michael's pokeball and threw at himself.

"You want me to catch you?" Michael smiled.

Then a trainer came inside the room. He was small and had casual clothes also. His hat was marked with a G on the top.

"This Poliwhirl is a pokemon that only comes to trainers that are nice and thankful to it. Apparently, it hated me, because I released it." he frowned. The sound of his voice sounded like he was only 7 years old.

Michael got up and went to the kid.

"I'll battle you for it."

The kid nodded.

"Are you sure?" Michael scratched his head.

The kid whispered, "I didn't like it that much."

Michael then walked out the room and followed Poliwhirl to a field.

"We are going to battle now?" Michael asked.

Poliwhirl shook his head and pointed to my pokeball. He then started doing jumping jacks. Michael's mind finally started working. Poliwhirl wanted him and Bronzor to train. Michael then pointed to the mountains. The mountain areas was Bronzor's favorite place to train. Poliwhirl thought, and nodded up and down.

Michael started walking up and through the mountain. Bronzor helped him clear obstacles. He wanted to get to the top. Little did Michael know, the 'mountain' was actually a volcano. Poliwhirl also decided to train for a while. Each had only 6 hours to train. Poliwhirl had a special spot to train, where even pro boxers train.

"Hey Poliwhirl, you ready to train!" a tough-voiced man said.

Poliwhirl nodded. He went to a punching and the human punched it, then kicked then punch, another punch, and a kick. From him doing it many times, Poliwhirl understood that what he was doing was a combo, and wanted Poliwhirl to do it. After 1 hour of doing a combo, Poliwhirl decided to do weights. He could only do 50 lbs. Poliwhirl himself was only 74 lbs. Michael made Bronzor use Confusion to levitate rocks and throw them at objects. Bronzor only got 25/38 on the bullseye. Michael also made him dodge rocks. Whenever they got to the top, Michael was scared, but with the practice, the amazing Bronzor made a force-field with confusion and protected him. Then they ran like little girls down the mountain.
After the total 6 hours, Michael came to the field and saw Poliwhirl.

"Um. . .well. .Poliwhirl? Can we have another week or so to train please?" Michael asked.

Poliwhirl disagreed at first, but then he nodded. But Poliwhirl said he can only have another week if he only trains on the beach now on.

Michael returned Bronzor and he went to sleep for another hour or so, then have dinner and train during night battling other pokemon. That's what he was going to do. But whenever he went to the beach to battle other pokemon, a light shown on him and suddenly he just lay in the damp sand.

Again, the next morning he was confused, again. Whenever he asked everything, feeling deja vu, he saw his mom.

"Honey, you have had amnesia. We were surprised that a 18 year old like you would get it, and we thought you would forget everything. But since you were normal now, we got back your Shinx from the Prof. Oak," Michaels mom blurted.

Shinx was a pokemon he had when he was 12 years old. Then, after another year, on his birthday he got Bronzor.

"That's WONDERFUL! Now I have two pokemon to battle with to battle Poliwhirl!" Michael cheered.

With a shock of joy, he picked up Shinx and sent out Bronzor, then ran towards the beach.

"We shall train now guys!" Michael danced.

Once he started dancing, he felt a breeze on his behind. He forgot he only had on the hospital dresses.

"AH!!" Michael screamed.

After embarrassing moments and yelling at people, Michael was set and ready to train. First he healed both pokemon and found a shop that selled food. He wanted to get breakfast for himself and his pokemon. The store was packed with little kids and their parents. After 34 minutes, he got a seat. Michael ordered their special, which was the Seafood Platter with a lobster/crab for the pokemon. He was really surprised at the bill.

"34$ for a stinkin' fish and stuff!" Michael screamed.

"Sir, this is a fine rest-" the waiter was interrupted.

"Just take the money then!"

Whenever he left, a nice plane was soaring right over him. It looked about only 15 yards above. Whenever he glimpsed at a small fire on the plane, he looked terrified. Suddenly, the plane crashed and blew away with flames, seemingly hurting him very bad. Just before the plane hit him, he thought, Why must it be me? Why? Why do I keep getting hurt!!

The hospital he stayed at was in Washington, the state, because the plane crash hurt many people in Hawaii so some people had to go to hospitals in other places. He stayed in a coma for 4 days. Whenever he woke up, almost everyone he knew, even his pokemon, Poliwhirl, his mom, his girlfriend, dad, and many others cheered. One little boy that lived in the house next to him, asked him whenever he got home,"did you die?"

"No I didn't. If I did, I wouldn't be here," Michael replied surprisingly calm.

After 3 months of healing, he went back to Hawaii. Because of Poliwhirl. It lived there, and Michael was that desperate to catch this wonderful pokemon. Without any doubt, instead of riding a plane (now afraid of heights), he went on a boat. Thankfully, because of his amnesia, he forgot about the Titanic. No one told him about it too.

"Michael Dunn, please report to the captain's front port please," the intercom blared out.

Michael wasn't fully healthy, he still had a broken leg, and he had to use crutches to get around. He also had to wear some bandages around him.


"Yes captain, we found Michael. And we captured his beloved Poliwhirl," a secret voice whsipered.

"Wonderful. . .where is Michael anyway?"

"He is in Hawaii now. You want me to send the message via Skarmory?"

"Yes, that is fine. Do it at. . .when does he get to the hotel?"

"500 o'clock"

"Send it at that time."

At the hotel, which was a different hotel that he went to last time, Michael got a room at the exact top. He was even more scared now since he was afraid of heights. A few minutes after he checked in the hotel, Poliwhirl came running behind him. When Michael was gone, Poliwhirl learned sign-language to talk, and it was helpful because Michael learned sign-language when he was smaller.

Poliwhirl asked him if he can still train. Poliwhirl was also desperate to battle Michael.

"Of course, that's why I came here," Michael chuckled.

Michael made a deal with Poliwhirl that he could train from all dangerous places, and the only place that was, is the dojo. The one Poliwhirl trained at. Even though pulling muscles was dangerous, the instructors made sure Michael and his pokemon didn't get hurt.

"Come on! You can do better than THAT!" The instructor was pretty stern and loud. Shinx was scared of him. Bronzor just slept and stayed invisible.

"Sorry sir, but. . .um. . .can we go now?" Michael asked.

"NEVER!!" He screamed.

This is going to be a long night, Michael thought. After nights and days of training with the crazy instructor, Michael finally got a day off from training. Even though he got a day off, he was gonna train. The same volcano he went up last time he was here, erupted. He didn't know that until he went back over to that island. He was going to train there, but everything seemed destroyed. So Michael just went around the islands.

"Shinx, Bronzor, look at those boats! They are huge!" Michael acted child-ish for his pokemon.

Their boat was like a canoe, and Michael was paddling it. The waves were crashing against, making everything feel smooth.

"We sure have had an adventure, haven't we?" Michael asked his pokemon.

They both nodded. They all peered over the side and saw many pokemon. Michael even saw Poliwhirl swimming beside him, which was a surprise. He helped Poliwhirl climb in the boat so it could even be more fun. After another few minutes of sailing, Michael saw some swirly vortex in the water and the sky. Then more. . .and more. . .there were millions!
Ninja The Ninjask

aim: Linoone1337

Last edited by Linoone; 02-08-2008 at 02:13 AM.
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Old 02-07-2008, 10:27 PM
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Default Re: Did you die?

Did you die?

Chapter 2: Did you see that?

Michael jumped back. He screamed. Then, suddenly, he leaped out the boat and swam all the way to an island. Thankfully, the island was ojnly a few feet away, so the pokemon got to the island too.

"D-d-did you see that?!" He screamed to his pokemon.

They nodded no and also said they just followed you, freaking why you swam away. He was reall confused. Maybe it was just his imagination? I mean, I just got hurt really bad, he thought.

The next day Michael went to the hospital in Hawaii. He asked him if he could get a check-up every month. That day, was going to be his first check-up.

"Michael, tell me what happened?" the nurse said.

"Well, first I was canoing and then whenever I was sailing back to this island, I saw things. . .like black holes. It freaked me out a lot," Michael answered.

"And that's it?" she asked.

Michael thought and came up with something. "I just had some injuries so I thought that I was seeing things because of that injury."

"Yes, let me get something," she handed me a record for when the plane hit me. It showed the date.

I read that whenever the plane hit me, the glass from the window hit my eye and altered my vision.

"So that's what happened."

"Yes, and if you want, we can perform surgery and get your eyeballs back to normal if you want?" The nurse asked.

"Wow, that sounds so sick!" Michael spit.

After disagreement and agreement, Michael finally reasoned and said yes.

5 doctors and some nurses came to perform the surgery. First they put Michael to sleep, and made the pokemon wait out of the room.

3 hours later

Michael was finally done with his treatment. And now he could see much better.

"Hehe, thanks doctors," Michael laughed.

Then the nurses grunted.

"You too nurses!"

Then he left the room and his pokemon hugged him. Poliwhirl did too. His mom and girlfriend came by to give him thanks. Michael's girlfriend actually stayed with him.

"So, how has your adventure been, Michael?" she asked.

"It's been really freaky," he replied, "and I haven't even caught Poliwhirl yet.

"Well, you can still train and get it soon!" she said cheery.

"Yeah," Michael sighed.

Michael's girlfriend glanced at her watch and said, "I have to go now, bye Michael. See you soon."

The next day

Whenever Michael finally went back to the main office, one of the people by the front-desk tapped Michael on the shoulder as he went by.

"I never could get in touch with you, but you have mail," the person said as handing the mail to Michael.

It said:

Dear Michael Dunn,
We have your so called 'Poliwhirl', and if you want it back, come to the volcano. Alone.
Michael grunted. He started to get go in his room and got a backpack and his pokemon. Then he noticed the note, and it said to go at 5:30 pm PT time. it was only 3:00 pm.

"Well, at least I get time to train," Michael smiled.

Then his pokemon popped out his pokeballs and begged him not to train. They seemed tired.

"OK, then I will just go get early dinner!" He chuckled.

Instead of going to the high-priced restaurant, he went to Sonic. He loved their cheese sticks. Though he did choke on one when he was 8 years old.

At the Volcano

After eating at Sonic, Michael went tot he volcano. He kept out both his pokemon if the 'people' who invited him ambush him.

"At least we brought some hiking gear," Michael was sweating.

The volcano was rocky and very hard to climb. Michael almost fell off the rocks twice. Whenever Michael got to the top, where Poliwhirl was, and the
'people' who took it were, he just simply said, "give it back!"

"I would never give it back. And this Poliwhirl is pretty strong. That's why we are controlling it's mind," the captain screamed.

Michael yelled and threw Bronzor at the captain, and when it flew over the lava, it used a confusion to drop the remote in the lava. Then Poliwhirl seemed better. Poliwhirl then used Mega Punch and knocked him into the sky.

"Team Rocket is blasting off!" All the people screamed.

Michael smiled. Then he grabbed the pokemon and slid down a path on the volcano. When he got to the bottom, he padded all the dirt and rocks off his pants.

"Now Poliwhirl, are you OK? What did they do?" Michael asked.

Poliwhirl showed him many things and Michael finally gotten that they just brain-washed him. Michael thought they were going to do more drastic things, i.e. make him into a slave. This has been such a freaky adventure. . .I never would guess this would happen, thought Michael. Then he walked toward his hotel and checked in. After getting in bed, since it was 8:00, and he wanted an early sleep, after his hike, he thought about Poliwhirl. Where did it go after he went to the hotel? How much longer do I have 'till the battle to catch him is? These questions haunted Michael's mind.

His dream also seemed pretty freaky. He was in gigantic boat walking around, and he found a pokeball. Then a thing came out the water. After he was running, another thing came out the ground. The both started attacking him. Right when they leaped toward him, Michael woke up.

Freaky, he wondered. Then he went looking forward Poliwhirl, but he couldn't find him. He looked in the dojo, in the fields, and even by and on the volcano. Whenever he called everyone who knew Poliwhirl (even talked to some pokemon), they said he went to Washington. So then spending so much money, he went back to Washington and found Poliwhirl. Poliwhirl wouldn't tell Michael why he went to Washington and how, so he just asked someone for money to go back to Hawaii from his mom and dad. Thankfully they agreed. And Michael and Poliwhirl made a deal that they would battle whenever they got to Hawaii, at the fields.

Some trainers were also battling on the field, but that wouldn't be a distraction to them.

"So Poliwhirl, two verses one?" Michael smiled.

Poliwhirl look ferocious and nodded very slow.

That scared Shinx. From the look in Poliwhirl's eyes', he actually knew Poliwhirl was not going to go easy.

Fine, but just wait for a few minutes please. He remembered on the news that they said it would rain. That would help with Shinx's electric attacks. And the sky was dark. So he knew the rain would come any second. After eight minutes, it finally started raining. Michael put on a jacket for the rain.

Michael was going to use Shinx last, to defeat Poliwhirl after Bronzor makes it tired.

"GO! Bronzor!" He said sending out Bronzor.

Then Poliwhirl focused his arm and than it glew white and yellow like specters' making Mega Punch, then he ran toward Bronzor. Bronzor also used an attack. It was Confusion. Then, Poliwhirl's arm was lifting up and he was flying. Poliwhirl thought and countered by using Water Gun. The water splashed Bronzor's face and he lost control of Confusion, so Poliwhirl fell towards the ground. Then Bronzor shook it off, but more water came to his face from the rain.

"Use Extrasensory, Bronzor!"

Then an attack of tackling spectacular power, the Poliwhirl was flinched. Michael finally gotten a chance to use a powerful attack. But to have even more time, Michael made Bronzor use Confuse Ray. Now Poliwhirl was confused as much when Michael was in the hospital.

"OK, well use a Gyro Ball!" screamed Michael.

A blast of gray, dim light shot through the air with wisping wind coming from behind it, came toward Poliwhirl, but even though it was confused, it managed to dodge it. When Michael thought Poliwhirl was going to use Mega Punch on Bronzor, it punched it-self in the face. Michael laughed, but then Poliwhirl seemed normal and looked annoyed.

"Hehe, sorry Poliwhirl."

Then Poliwhirl sprinted toward Bronzor then grabbed it, and used Hypnosis. Then threw him towards a rock and Bronzor seemed defeated. But just to make sure, Poliwhirl ran and used Wake-up Slap. Then Bronzor woke up. Poliwhirl was surprised it was still battling.

"Yeah! Good job Bronzor!" Michael cheered, "Now use Extrsensory!"

Then a spectacular power and tackles hit Poliwhirl and it lay on the ground. It got up and ran toward Bronzor, trying to use Mega Punch, but Bronzor dodged it.

"Now use Gyro Ball one last time!"

Then another gray, dim ball struck toward Poliwhirl, and it got blasted very far, but it rose up still. The it shot a row of speedy buubbles from it's swirly stomach. The bubbles knocked the last breath of Bronzor and it lay on the ground defeated.

"You did wonderful Bronzor. Very good. Well now come on out Shinx!"

Then whenever Shinx pooped out, a line of sparks shot out of him. Then the little, fury, lion growled.

"Hehe, okay, Shinx, start out with a Charge! then pull out a Thunder Fang!!" Michael screamed.

Shinx leaped off the ground and hundreds of bolts bolted through Shinx. After charging up electricity, it took out it's fangs and little sparks shot out if the teeth. The brave lion tackled Poliwhirl at first, then bit it with a shock. Poliwhirl couldn't think about anything with that power. The rain really charged up power. Even without Shinx using Charge.

Then after a few seconds, Poliwhirl got up limping. It shot out purple rays to make the Shinx fall asleep. Shinx couldn't dodge every ray, so it eventually got hit and went to sleep. That managed time for Poliwhirl to rest also. Then after 30 minutes of waiting (Michael was really irritated by then) Poliwhirl got up and ran to use Wake-up slap. Shinx got hit so hard, it went crazy. Then the lion starting bolting bigger sparks that finaly hit Poliwhirl and it got back up. Then, the angry Shinx used a Discharge, being commanded from Michael. Then it lay defeated.

"Wow. . .that was a tough battle Poliwhirl. Well lets see!" Michael threw a pokeball towards the defeated tadpole.

Then it went tick. . .

Ninja The Ninjask

aim: Linoone1337

Last edited by Linoone; 02-08-2008 at 02:13 AM.
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Old 02-08-2008, 02:15 AM
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Default Re: Did you die?

Going for: Poliwhirl
Character count: 20,423 (needed 20k-30k)
Difficulty: Hard
Ninja The Ninjask

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Last edited by Linoone; 02-09-2008 at 04:42 PM.
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Old 02-15-2008, 11:22 PM
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Default Re: Did You DIE?

The story was a bit confusing. It didn’t really mix together, it was one thing than other. I was confused at parts, I couldn’t tell what was going on. You need to make the story flow together, make it easy to understand, but fun and great at the same time. Not flowing = bad outcome. The story is hard to read then, most of the time the reader will get lost and forget where they are. It just makes the story not fun, or easy to read. Make something transition into another part of the story. You did this at some parts, but others were confusing and it seemed like you were just mashing stuff into the story to make it longer and fit the amount of characters you need. Don’t rush the story, make it take its time running through. It should be nice and comfortable to read. Not mushy and confusing. @_@

For the most part, this was a good nice plot. It was for the most part original. A few twists and turns and ‘subs’ in it made it somewhat good. But as I said before, don’t just throw stuff in the story because you need to get the length requirement. The twists and turns have to make sense with the story, not just be there to be there. Something more could be added to the story, transition would help a lot.

This was pretty non-existent. You didn’t really say what Michael looked like, or any of the people/Pokemon. You had what most graders look for in an introduction. But some of it was missing and made the story look bad and hard to see anything. A introduction is an important part to the story. If you don’t have one, the whole story might fail, unless you explain things throughout the story.

Remember to tell the readers what the characters looked like, where they are… etc.

For the most part there were just a bunch of typos. Which could be fixed by you just proofreading your story and flush all those nasty typos out, along with picking out some other mistakes that you might have made. I understand you don’t have a Word Processor and sometimes the Fire Fox so called ‘spell checker’ doesn’t do what it is supposed to do. Rereading your story can really help in this. Just something to help. ^^

I’ll just point out a few things that weren’t typos.

He realized that if he was gonna look for pokemon in the
The word ‘gonna,’ unless in dialogue, should be “going to.”

Michael also realized thathe had no money.
‘That’ and ‘he’ should be separated.

He was many Tentacool and Starmy. Then he saw swirly
I think you were aiming for “Starmie” and ‘swirl-y,’ or something like that. :P

Bronzor only got 25/38 on the bullseye
Since ‘bullseye’ isn’t a whole word, just put a dash in between ‘bulls’ and ‘eye.’ :P

Also, anything related to Pokemon should be capitalized, just like a noun. Any name is capitalized, so should anything related to Pokemon.

There were some other things, but you can find those if you just reread your story. Which isn’t the hardest thing to do. Just watch out for those nasty typos. D:

Just above the minimum. You could add onto the plot/detail/intro and this would increase greatly. Anything to add to the length would be good, elaboration helps a lot. More detail is great, too. Just remember: quantity > quality.

This was just about, non-existent. :/ I couldn’t see anything. You need to put in detail, it needs to be in the story, without it the story is boring, dull and nonsense. Detail make the world, err, story go round. It make everything flow together and see able to see seen in someone’s head besides your own. Michael could look totally different in your mind than he looks in my mind. He could be a muscular, big, tall guy in my mind, but in your mind he could be a small, short, nerdy dude that tries to act cool. He could be anything, unless you tell us (readers) what he is and what he looks like.

Detail, detail, detail. That is what this story is missing. It would be so much greater if you added in detail. The story was flow together and be so much fun and great. That is what this story lacks and what it needs. Remember that in future writing: you need to have detail. Smell, feel, taste, look. Everything that can be described should be. ^^

This could be better, too. With detail and more of a two-sidedness onto it. This lack detail like the rest of the story. It may sound harsh, but it’s true and it needs to have detail. Without detail it isn’t very fun to read. It makes it boring and unrealistic. :/ The battle is really what can put you as a capture or not. Without a true battle the story can be boring. Detail, two-sided, more like anime, not game-boy. That is what a battle is. It needs to have those concepts. ^^

Remember, more like anime, not game-boy, detail and a two-sidedness to the it.

Final Outcome:
Now that I’m done ranting I can tell you if you captured or not. But unfortunately, this story isn’t good enough for a hard category Pokemon. So, till your battle is better, and you add detail and an introduction… Poliwhirl not captured!!

Last edited by The Jr Trainer; 02-16-2008 at 12:20 AM.
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